Rekindle
by AfewSentencesShortOfaParagraph
Summary: Eli is about to graduate high school, and Clare doesn't want him to go off to college before she makes things right again. Will they be able to piece back together their friendship, or are stronger feelings still getting in the way?
1. Graduation

**I just felt compelled to try and write a possible EClare reunion. I mean, this could totally happen on the show, or the writers could crush my heart. I could just use a little emotional relaxation and hope right now. So this is for everyone that still has faith in EClare.  
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**Enjoy; I don't own Degrassi, and chances are I never will.**

I didn't know what I was doing here; I had no reason to come. But something in my head kept urging me out the door…I just had a gut feeling that going to the graduation would be a cathartic experience of sorts.

But, when I got there, all I felt was out of place. Jake and I had awkwardly ended things just shortly after our parents had a messy breakup. We couldn't see each other without our parents getting in the middle, and Jake and I could not see eye to eye on their breakup any more than they could. It had just been the right time. We had managed to stay friends, but we weren't good friends.

So there was no reason for me to attend graduation for him.

Katie and I had worked on the paper for a couple years now, and we had managed to remain civil to each other even though we were equally headstrong and had different opinions on everything…I guess if I needed to justify anything I could be at graduation for my editor.

Or, I could even claim that Adam had wanted someone to go with. After all, his brother was graduating. As was his best friend…

And there it was- the face that managed to constantly reappear in my thoughts at the most inopportune moments. This face was framed by a fringe of dark brown hair. The face with the open, bright green eyes. The face of Eli Goldsworthy.

High school romance gone wrong was the abridged and understated version of our relationship. At first it had been great, and I had fallen so hard for him. He was my first love, but he was also a big bucket of emotional instability. And, at fifteen years of age, I just wasn't equipped to deal with every curve ball that Eli had thrown my way. It was sad, maybe it was even tragic, but I never regretted my choice to leave him. If I hadn't who knew where we would be, but I knew we certainly wouldn't be happy.

But, regrets or not, I still found myself wistfully going through different what if's whenever I spotted Eli in the halls, or heard about another accomplishment through word of mouth.

I was…disappointed to think that next year I wouldn't be able to spot him in the hallways anymore. I wouldn't hear about how his life was going, and I was certainly never going to talk to him again.

And I really wanted to…talk to him, that was. I wanted to know how he was doing. I wanted to know if he looked back on our happy days together with the same sharp pang of nostalgia that I did. But, mostly, I wanted to know if he was finally happy. He never really was when we were around each other.

Eli and I hadn't even crossed paths since he left school for a few days to finally get his mind in order. And, from what I heard from Adam (which was very little; the subject was taboo) it had worked. Eli had finally allowed people to help him, and they found out what was wrong. Now, supposedly, everything was under control- and had been under control for quite some time.

The thought made me happy, but I wanted to see for myself. I wanted to know for sure that Eli could leave Degrassi as a healthy person with no regrets…and I wanted to make sure he didn't hate me. He had reason enough, but I really hoped that if he was stable he had found a way to let go of all the pain and the blame.

Of course, I should just leave it alone, I was playing with fire by even entertaining the idea, but I still cared about him. Just one talk wasn't going to hurt either of us. I really wanted to congratulate him, although there was never any doubt that Eli would move on to bigger and better things.

"Hey," I greeted Adam as I slid onto the bleachers beside him. Graduation was being held at the stadium in the crisp spring air, and there was a buzz of excitement surrounding everyone.

"Clare…what are you doing here?"

I laughed at his shocked tone, trying to fill in the silence because I had never really hashed out what my justification was. "I, um, wanted to see Drew graduate," I lied.

Adam knew me well, though. He saw right through me. "Clare, you and Drew have probably said a total of two words to each other the entire time we've been friends. The truth, please."

"There are…some old friends of mine that I just wanted to see one more time. Besides, do I have to be here for anybody? I can't just attend my school's graduation ceremony? These are my peers!"

Adam raised his eyebrow at my vague and formal explanation, and my brilliant deflection. The problem with becoming close to people was that they started to know you really well. "So, long story short, you came to see Eli graduate?"

"Is that weird? Should I leave?"

"Yeah, it is a little weird, but, nah, I would stick around. I think Eli'll be happy to know that you came. He's asked how you've been doing a few times this past month. I mean, you guys haven't talked in a long time and he's about to head off to college."

Adam always knew how to say just what I needed to hear. He was a great friend that way, and I was always amazed at how he was able to maintain a friendship with me and with Eli. Our breakup couldn't have been the easiest thing for him, but he never picked one side over the other. But there was something about Adam's speech that really caught me off guard. "He's been asking about me, really?"

"Is that so hard to imagine? He still cares about you, Clare."

"And I still care about him," I whispered.

"Hey, Clare, some kids are hanging around my place after graduation," Adam smiled, slinging his arm around me in a comforting gesture. "Drew invited KC and Katie and I'm having Eli and Imogen over…you're welcome to join."

"Oh, that's really sweet, Adam. I'll be there."

"Cool…we can end the year on the right note."

Adam and I then lapsed into less delicate topics to discuss…like our upcoming senior year and talk of the future. The actual ceremony started right on time, and it was fairly basic. The speeches were well written and well delivered…Katie was the valedictorian and she was perfect as usual. The kids were called one by one to go up to the podium and receive their diploma. It was nice- sweet and straight to the point.

After everything was said and done, Adam got up to follow him mom- she wanted lots of pictures with Drew and the rest of the family- with a promise to see me shortly at his place. I waved after him, unable to get a word out before he was lost in the sea of proud parents and excited students.

I wandered through the crowd for a little while, being conscious not ruin any photos or run into anyone. I didn't want to show up at Adam's house before he was there, so I watched families happily flutter about. Graduation was such a bittersweet ceremony, and I couldn't believe that in a year I would be going through the same thing. My future was so unknown and scary, but it was also hopeful. I was hopeful.

Once the crowd started to thin I walked to my bike. I had my license, but I still preferred to ride my bike every now and again. It was refreshing to feel the fresh air whip through my hair and sting my face. It always felt kind of like I was flying.

The ride to Adam's was about a half hour, and it was no easy feat in the dress I was wearing. By the time I arrived, everyone who was supposed to be there, was.

"Hey, Clare!" Adam answered the door enthusiastically.

"Hi…sorry it took me so long, but I rode my bike here."

"You're insane," Adam smiled fondly at me, and led me into the basement where the kids had convened. Drew and KC were playing some violent video game while Katie sat close by nagging them to go outside for breathable air.

Imogen and Eli were playing pool on the secondhand table Drew and Adam had found in a Dumpster last year. I had heard the story repeated several times, but it was never not funny. However, I has having a hard time relaxing my face enough to even smile because I didn't know what to do. I gulped, suddenly needlessly nervous. It had been so long since Eli and I had been in the same room together, let alone made conversation.

"Look who's here," Adam announced cheerfully, and I wanted to clasp my hand over his mouth to keep him from talking. I didn't exactly want to bring attention to myself…I wanted to ease myself into it.

"Hey, Clare," Katie greeted me after pulling the plug on the game system. The boys groaned, but Katie persisted. "It is beautiful outside, and we just finished High School…I have energy to work off."

"Basketball?" KC suggested, suddenly more enthusiastic.

"That sounds like a grand idea," Katie sounded pleased that she had managed to get them off their butts.

"Hi Clare, bye Clare," Drew patted my shoulder as he ran up the stairs. KC gave me a small smile and nod which I returned, and Katie gave me a quick, awkward hug before racing after them.

Once they were all gone I let my eyes wander over to the pool table again…where Eli was staring at me, a huge smile on his face. I had to admit, his eyes had softened, and he didn't have the same frantic air about him that he used to. I marveled at how different he seemed because of those small changes…and how attractive he still was.

Imogen also gave me a small wave, perhaps weary that I still hated her- which I didn't. Holding on to things had only made me bitter and uncomfortable. I had long since forgiven Imogen for how she went about courting Eli. I knew she just had poor judgment; that she hadn't really meant to hurt me, Jake, or especially Eli. So, I gave her a warm smile and waved back enthusiastically.

"Eli stinks at this game- wanna play me?" Imogen asked, seeming suddenly warmed by my greeting.

"Sure…but I have to warn you, I'm probably worse than Eli. I've never played before."

"Oh goody; I love to play teacher!"

And, with that, Imogen started to demonstrate the rules and technique of the game. We played several games, mixing up the teams, and we didn't talk much. I had fun, despite the fact that I was horrible at it, and I only felt a little awkward. I could sense Eli's eyes searching my face often, but I couldn't blame him- I was doing the same to him. It was just so weird running into him in a casual setting, but not being able to say anything. I didn't want to say the wrong thing, and I certainly didn't want company for the talk I wanted to have with Eli. But maybe I would never get up the courage, and I could just be happy knowing that we were able to coexist in a room without accusations and tears.

That was an accomplishment all by itself.

I decided to remove myself when we approached the tenth consecutive game. "I am ready to be done," I declared, flopping onto the tattered couch.

"Hey, Imogen," Adam started, "I have this really cool…thing…in my room. I want to show you."

Eli turned to Adam questioningly, and his eyebrow rose. "What's so special about it that only Imogen can see?"

"It's a, uh, surprise…that you can't see. And I need Imogen's help to…yeah. So, come on Imo- join me in my room."

"Slick, Captain Obvious," Imogen scolded Adam loudly while they were still heading up the stairs.

I giggled at the absurdity.

"What?" Eli asked, turning to me.

"Adam really just used the line 'I have a thing in my room' so that he could get us alone. Is that not funny to you?"

"It is amusing," Eli allowed, "but also confusing."

"What's so confusing about it?"

"Why he thinks we need time alone, I'd say."

"Well, maybe he thought we would want to talk. It had been quite a while. By the way, congrats on today…I'm sure Degrassi Drama will miss your talent, but I know you'll find some way to change the world with your writing."

"You couldn't know that; I could have gotten really bad since the last time we talked," his tone was light, playful and he smiled at me. For once, I couldn't detect an ounce of pain behind the smile and that made me want to smile back, a million times brighter. Maybe he was happy- legitimately happy with nothing standing in his way.

"I highly doubt that, but tell me what you've worked on in the past year…since we're here, I mean." I gave the cushion next to me one, firm pat and Eli paused only a moment before crossing the room to join me on the tiny couch.

"Okay, well, I did do this one-act- the theme was one man against the world. It was kind of trippy. And then there was the not-so-short story. I, um, wrote it while I was still getting better. It was about a guy who had lost love…an epic kind of love that no one gets over…and was still dealing with how to move on. And, along the way, he met someone great who could hold his heart while he pieced it back together. Sure, she didn't set his soul on fire, but she set it on a low simmer that just burned more intensely with time. It was kind of hokey, but it got published. I've been keeping a journal…yeah; there has been no shortage of writing."

Eli seemed calm and centered when he talked about his work, but I could see the barely contained fire in his eyes. He was more passionate about his work than ever…hokey or not. "I'd love to read some…I mean, you were always talented and I'm sure you've only improved."

"Well, thank you. I should hope that I improved with time, rather than regressing. I mean, the point is to get better, is it not?" Apparently Eli's humor had survived the long road to recovery. "So, what have you been up to Miss Edwards?"

I didn't know how long this casual conversation was going to last. I could feel, and I knew Eli could, too, the tensions and accusations and hurt and blame all under the surface. We had a lot that we needed to say, but was this the time and place to do it?

"Well, the paper always keeps me busy- Katie picked me to be her replacement editor, so that's exciting. I've been looking at university…trying to determine the right future for me. Just a whole lot of self-discovery and all that Jazz. I don't speak to my dad anymore, but my relationship with my mom is stranger than ever. I guess not much has really changed for me…not like it has for you."

"Thanks for noticing," Eli joked, and we were on the verge of talking about the important, touchy subjects. "Congrats on editor…I'm sure you've still got the same wicked eye. Um, do you mind if I ask you a question?"

I gulped nervously, but I couldn't deny him that. "Sure, ask me anything."

"Well, I mean, you're totally free to not answer if you don't want to, but why did you come to graduation? Are you close to someone in my class? I don't want to pry, and if I'm being nosy you can just ignore it, but I'm honestly curious."

"No…I just…I…there was, and I needed to…Damn it."

"Whoa…maybe you've changed more than you think. Did Clare Edwards really just say damn it?" Eli laughed when I punched him in the shoulder, but I was still too busy trying to put my messy and private thoughts into words to join him. "You know, it _is_ still me, Clare. You can talk to me- I won't judge or laugh or whatever it is that you're afraid of.

"No, that's not what worries me. I just…it's a delicate subject." I cringed at my understatement, and Eli seemed to take note. In response he made himself even more at ease, leaning back into the cushions of the couch.

"We've dealt with delicate before…maybe not well, but we have."

"That's true. Okay, I'm just going to come out and say it," I hesitated just a moment before I decided that I could do it; I would be 100% honest because it might be my very last chance to do so. It wasn't like this one conversation would change anything…we were still the same people. Or maybe we weren't… "I came to see you, Eli. It's just- I never liked the way we left things, and just the thought of you going off to college without any hint of closure would be hard for me to swallow."

"You came for me?" Eli repeated back, his voice coated in regret and sadness…but I could only guess at the origins of the emotions.

"Yeah, but I didn't go for you…for you. I know that you have Imogen, or whatever, and my intent was never so…impossible. I just really wanted to know that you were finally, genuinely happy. It keeps me awake at night a lot; thinking that everything that happened to us might still leave a bitter taste in your mouth. I just didn't want you to move away before I got the chance to really give myself, and hopefully you, closure. And you really don't even have to say another word to me because I can see it in your eyes- that calm, that peace that was never there before. Just knowing that you're happy makes me happy."

Eli laughed one short, hard laugh and I knew that this conversation was about to get tough. "Clare, Imogen and I…well, I'll admit I owe her my life several times over. She's been an amazing friend, and sometimes an even bigger help than Adam when it came to my…recovery. She just gets me; we're two peas in one oddly shaped pod. I hurt her a lot, and I felt insanely guilty, but she forgave me and I forgave myself. In the end, she was the only person who knew when to sympathize and when to give me a good kick in the ass. When Imogen really loves you she'll go to the ends of the Earth to do whatever you need her to.

"And, yes, she and I tried to date once I was really sure that I had made it to the sane side of life, but it only lasted for a month. Imogen and I…we're more like brother and sister. We just have that kind of connection. Not to mention, it did me good not to get involved with anymore girls the rest of high school."

I hated the way it was still painful to hear about Eli with another girl. It shouldn't have been that way; I should be mature about the matter, but the thought still make my heart squeeze in uncomfortable pain. There was no way around the fact that I still loved him, but we had both proven to each other that we could not be in love.

"So you're single?" I couldn't help but ask. It was just weird to imagine that he didn't find someone else who could appreciate what he had to offer.

"Yeah…I seem to function better that way, anyway. What about you, huh? What happened to boy-wonder Jake?"

He was trying to keep his voice casual, but I could hear the need to know just below the surface. "We stopped seeing each other after our parents did. It wasn't a big deal; we just kind of grew apart. I mean, Jake was great and all…but he was always just a distraction."

A moment passed between us as we realized there was nobody in our way for once…not even each other. "What do you mean he was a distraction?" Eli was bold enough to ask.

"I mean…I needed someone around to keep me thinking about you 24/7. Jake was good at that, and he wasn't just some stranger- we had a little history. He was perfect. And he was so patient…and sexy. But he was a placeholder and we both knew it somewhere in our hearts. We were never in it for the long term."

"I always wondered that," Eli mused, "how you had moved on so quickly. But you hadn't…you were just better at faking it. I was just such a mess that I couldn't stop myself from being an open book. I wore my crazy emotions on my sleeve, and it caused me a lot of loss. I still can't believe how adamant I was about not accepting help when I so desperately needed it."

"The good thing is you got it- it just took you a little longer to get in the right place to ask."

"That entire day was hell, though. It's all still so vivid. The rushing emotions that I couldn't slow down or make sense of, breaking Imogen just to make sure I wasn't the only one who would have to suffer…my improvised monologue. At least my mind isn't tricking me anymore…it's right these days."

"What do you have, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Oh, a medley of things- anxiety, a dash of depression, a hit of manic depressive disorder and a whole lot of OCD. It's all under control, though, and I finally have my priorities in the right order."

"I am really sorry that you had to go through all that…but I'm glad you didn't have to do it alone."

"Yeah, Cece and Bullfrog have been great, and so have Imogen and Adam. Fiona even still checks up on me every now and then. I'm lucky to have such sweet, caring people in my life. But it's too bad I scared away the sweetest of all." I looked up to find Eli studying me pensively. "If you could go back and redo anything, would you?"

"You didn't really give me many options…I had to do what was right for me, and I did. So, no, I wouldn't redo anything."

"Good," Eli sounded satisfied, and it caught me off guard. "Because the time we did get to spend together before I lost it was great enough to outshine all the mistakes I made…the mistakes we made."

I was relieved to hear that he sounded so sure…that he finally found the mental stability that allowed him to see our past that way. "So you wouldn't redo anything, either?"

"Well, no, that's a bit of an overstatement. If I could redo it all again…I would take more time to appreciate you while I had you. Looking back, which I try not to do _too_ much, everything seems like it went so quick."

A single tear welled up, and spilled over the edge- sliding down my cheek. "Sorry," I muttered, unable to get a grip on all the emotions twirling through my head.

Eli reached forward and wiped the tear away with his thumb. It had been so long since we had been this physically close, longer since he had touched me so tenderly, and I couldn't help but notice that he smelled the exact same way. And it was still intoxicating. "God, how many times have I been the cause of these running from your eyes?" I knew the question was rhetorical, so I kept my mouth shut. Eli and I just continued to stare at each other, an unidentifiable emotion charging the air between us. "This doesn't have to be the last time we talk, you know."

The words came out decisive and passionate…like he had just thought through all the implications and he didn't care. He wanted to maintain contact.

And, his words lit a small light inside me…I wanted to maintain contact, too.

"We could be friends," I agreed as he finally pulled his hand away.

"Friends…and we could take it slow; one day at a time. I want to know you again, Clare Edwards."

"And I want to find out who you really are, Eli Goldsworthy."

"Good; it's a deal, then." Eli held out his hand, businesslike, and the mood shifted back to the graduation-charged excitement. I grabbed his hand and shook.

"How about we go find that 'thing' Adam has been showing Imogen for the past thirty minutes."

"Lead the way," he smiled at me, and I could feel the corners of my mouth respond immediately…like traveling around the world only to find yourself back home where you belong.

Although I had meant it when I said I didn't need a do-over…I really wouldn't change a thing…it seemed like the universe was determined to give me one. We had to be sure not to screw it up this time.

**So, I was just going to make this a one-shot…and it totally could be. But it also has potential to tell the story of their entire summer. What do you think, lovely readers; is it worth continuing? **


	2. Misfits Reunite

**Wow, you guys are all the best! The desire for this to be continued was heartwarming, and I simply could not deny so many of you what you want. Not to mention I will have a blast writing it.**

**I have a few things to specify: I don't really know what year it is now in the Degrassi world, but Eli started as a junior in high school the same year I did…so I decided to make him graduate in the same year I will. So, graduation was May 25, 2012- since this is set in the future, of course. Also, I will start noting what day each chapter takes place on. This way you can watch the days of Eli and Clare's summer pass. **

**Ready for chapter 2? I hope you enjoy it as much, if not more, than one. And I still don't own Degrassi. Try to contain your shock, people. I know it's a hard concept to grasp. **

_May 27, 2012:_

"Are you positive this is a good idea?" Adam asked as he continued to flip through the channels on my TV. It was raining, so Adam and I could not go to the park as we had originally planned, but Adam didn't want to go back home so we decided to bum around my house. I had called Alli, too, and she was to be over in a few minutes so we could all prepare for our math finals that were coming up.

"What about it could be a bad idea? We haven't even talked since Friday…proof that we can seriously commit to this slow thing."

And, possibly it was unjust of me, but I was surprised Eli hadn't made any move to contact me yet. The Eli I knew would have ran a mile or two with the inch I had given him two days before. But there had been no calls, texts, or even Facerange messages. It was as impressive as it was off-putting.

"Okay, but Eli is still Eli. Yeah, he's on medication, and he's definitely got a grip on his sanity these days, but the medicine and his current mental state aren't any more concrete than they are perfect. Not that I don't have faith in Eli, I do, but he could regress."

"We talked, Adam…he's in a good enough place to tell me if and when this becomes too much for him. He can handle this."

I never thought I reach the day when I would defend Eli's emotional stability, but I managed to sound more sure than I felt. It wasn't like I felt Eli _couldn't_ handle this, but Adam did know him better than I did. If Adam was worried, shouldn't I be, too?

"Okay, but let's play a fun game of 'what if', shall we?"

"Adam…"

"No, Clare, hear me out. I've had the pleasure of knowing both you and Eli for a while now, so I think I've got a pretty good base of knowledge to speculate." He had a point so I fell back into the couch, signaling him that he should continue. "Let's say you two do get close again, and all is hunky dory for a while-"

"Did you really just say hunky dory? You are such a nerd," I observed fondly, interrupting him. Adam glared at me.

"Could you please try and focus on the big picture that I am trying to paint here?"

"Sorry…my lips are sealed," I promised, leaning back again and letting my eyes drift closed as I listened.

"Anyway, so you guys manage to rebuild a friendship. Everything goes well for a month or so, but then Eli starts to realize that he wants too much again. And then, in order to protect himself, and you, from himself…he cuts off all form of communication. Eli's hit rock bottom and then bounced back before. But I saw how you were affected by the breakup even when nobody else did. Are _you_ going to be able to handle losing him again if that's what's best for Eli?"

"Not fair," I accused, but it was a valid question. I just didn't know the answer, and I wasn't too keen on digging around to find it. I would have to drill through too many sensitive nerves that were better off left alone.

"More than fair; justified, even. And an answer will be required before you move forward- for Eli's and for your sake."

"Fine…I can promise that I will do whatever is best for Eli regardless of the personal cost. I've done it before, and I've gotten over it, thank you very much."

"Exactly…you've had to do it before. Isn't this time supposed to be different?"

"Why are you looking for ways for this to fail?" I asked him, unable to stop myself from being discouraged by Adam's skepticism. And I had been so excited all weekend about the chance to write this new chapter of my life. It was such an ironic mix of fresh start and second chance.

"I don't want it to fail, Clare…in fact, I think I desperately want it to work more than you and Eli combined. And he's as jazzed about this as you seem to be. I just don't want either of you to get hurt. I've seen it once before, and I don't want it to happen again."

"So, you can monitor us…stick around and make sure we don't get out of hand. It will be like the reunion of the misfits!"

Adam smiled, and I could tell he was excited by the thought despite his next, sarcastic sentence. "Yeah, I've just been dying to be the third wheel again."

"Great, so you, me and Eli can hang out the Saturday after finals…it will be like a test run."

Before Adam had the chance to agree to my spontaneous plans, there was a knock on my door. "Who's ready to get their Math on?" Alli called.

"Come on in, Alli," I called back, and Adam shrugged in surrender. "Thank you," I enthused, and threw my arms around his neck.

"It's not a problem…it'll be fun."

"Okay, I am so ready to conquer all this trigonometry," Alli told us, plopping down on the chair across from the couch. "Did I miss something?" she asked, looking back and forth between Adam and me.

"Eli and Clare are dragging me into the middle of their friendship…again," Adam rolled his eyes exaggeratedly.

"Since when are Clare and Eli friends again?" Alli immediately got on the defense, her eyes boring into my forehead- hot and demanding. Alli was always very adamant that Eli had been bad for me, and the breakup was the best possible thing for me. And she had been right…at the time. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our messy breakup, Alli had formed a pretty bad opinion of Eli himself. It was going to take a lot of convincing that Eli had changed and that being friends with him wouldn't turn me into the constantly worried and paranoid Clare that Alli had to deal with before Eli and I had split.

"We're kind of…not…yet. But we're trying to be, at the very least." I tried to explain it to her in a way that would not spark Alli's trademark temper.

"But why would you try at all…isn't that a really bad idea, Clare."

"It's been a long time since either of us has talked to Eli," I defended, "and they found out what's wrong. He's changed, and I want to give him a chance. Don't pretend like this is the end of the world; I want this, Alli."

"Yeah, but you've never exactly been completely rational when it comes to Eli Goldsworthy."

"Alli, seriously, it's all under control," Adam hopped in before I had the chance to answer her. "I'm the chaperone, so I will make sure nothing goes overboard."

Alli seemed hesitant to let her guard back down at first, but I could tell that Adam being in the middle made her feel a bit better. "I'm still not okay with this, Clare, but I'll let it go…for now."

I chuckled, deciding not to respond to her comment. It wasn't like I had some delusion that Eli and I could just become friends again at the drop of a hat. We would have to work hard, no doubt, but there was also all the baggage that we had to deal with. My mom wouldn't exactly be thrilled when she found out I was in communication with Eli, either. Obviously Alli was going to be a hurdle, and Adam was going to watch us like a hawk. I didn't know how Imogen would respond, but that was because I didn't really know Imogen. And, of course, I was sure Eli's parents would be wary of Eli tangling himself in my life again…I mean, it had ended so well the first time.

"So, why don't we focus on the math, huh?" Adam suggested, and that dissolved all conversation of Eli. Alli, Adam and I had started to hang out a lot at the beginning of our junior year. Dave was also a regular part of our group, but he mostly only had eyes for Alli. I was happy she had finally found a guy who appreciated her, and never tried to take advantage. Dave had my stamp of approval since day one. Needless to say, we happily fell into the light pattern of our teasing banter, and I didn't devote a second more of my time to worries of what people would think about me and Eli.

But I did like the idea that there was an Eli and I again, no matter how tentative.

XXX

_June 2, 2012_

I had passed all my finals with flying colors, or so I had thought, and it was officially the summer before my senior year. The thought was as scary as it was exhilarating.

With nothing to get up for, I was enjoying my freedom to sleep in when a loud vibration from the general direction of my bedside table. I groaned, but decided not to ignore it. However, that didn't mean I had to wake up to answer it…so I felt around blindly until my fingers ran into the shaking mass that was my phone.

"Blargh," I murmured into what I hoped was the speaker side of my cell, and not the ear piece.

There was some ruffling, and then a voice rang out in my ear, very much awake and very much amused. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice. "Well, this is definitely Clare's number, and this monster even has her voice…but the Clare I know speaks English. 'Blargh' is not a language I am familiar with."

I sat up in bed and rubbed my eyes. "Eli?"

"You used to be much snappier in the morning…I should think you know what my voice sounds like by now. I know it's been a while, but still. Anyway, Adam mentioned the three of us hanging out today, but you never called. I just wanted to know if you're still up for it."

"What time is it?"

"It's slowly approaching 11:30, Clare. I just assumed you would be up because you used to be an early riser…but you can just call after you actually wake up. I'm sorry I interrupted."

"No, no, I'm awake. Kind of…whatever. I'll get there."

"Okay…well, I just wanted to see if you were still up for the hang out. I have to plan accordingly, if you are."

"Oh," I got out of bed to stretch, and then sat right back down on the edge; the post-sleep fuzz in my brain was retreating with each passing second. "If you're too busy then we can do something some other time. We have got all summer, after all."

"No, I have more than enough time. I'm excited to hang out, actually…get the show on the road and all that. It's just I promised Imogen I would go thrift-store hopping with her- which I am less excited about, but she doesn't have anyone else who can go with her. And, after that, I have to stop by Fiona's because we're exchanging graduation presents. I just want to give them set times that I can be with them…being organized…well; it helps things if I have a set schedule for the day. It has a calming effect of sorts."

I had to admit, I was going to be disappointed if he had cancelled, even though I would never tell him that. I didn't want to put that kind of pressure on him, or give him the wrong idea. As it was, I was kind of nervous about how disappointed I was at the mere suggestion that he might not make it. I guessed it was a good thing Adam would come along.

"We could go to the drive-in, then," I suggested on the spot. The movie wouldn't start till it was dark, so that would give him plenty of time to hang out with Fiona and Imogen. I had never known Eli to be such a busy or social person, but I supposed that was one of the many changes I would have to get used to involving him. "That way you'll have till, like, 8:30 to do whatever you need to, Mr. Social Butterfly."

Eli laughed at the obvious curiosity burning beneath my casual reference to his high demand. "Yeah, Imogen and Fiona, and even Adam, like to keep me busy. They think there's nothing better than hanging out with me 24/7." His sarcasm made me smile…not everything had changed; I liked that the best parts of Eli were still very much a part of his personality. "And, I have to say, they do manage to keep me having fun, but they can get overbearing. I still love them, though…they just want to do what's best for me; keep me in line. And I still get time to myself to write and think. It took me a while, but I finally like myself enough to spend loads of time with just myself and my twisted mind."

"It's really good to hear that, Eli. You have no idea."

"I'm sure it takes a lot of pressure off of you; it can't be easy to be the most important person in someone else's life- especially when they put you before themselves."

Eli was laughing; his voice casual and offhand, but his words had struck a chord in me- an awfully melancholy chord. Because what he said was so true it hurt…it was hard for me and it had taken a while for me to realize just how much it was suffocating what I needed. But hearing that Eli finally valued himself over me…the words were like a needle deflating a balloon that was stuck between two boulders that were being pushed together- instant release of pent up pressure.

"That's not funny, Eli."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. The way I treated you was never acceptable. So, in case it wasn't clear, I am sorry."

I knew he wasn't just apologizing for the moment that had just passed between us.

"I've forgiven you…holding grudges just makes you bitter."

Eli's laugh was short and hard this time. "I think I know that better than almost anyone." He didn't sound resentful- more matter-of-fact. We both let the comment settle, soaking up all the implications and weight before letting the moment pass us by so we could move forward. "So I'll see you and Adam later, yes?"

"Of course…I'll drive!"

"This should be interesting- my first trip in the Edward's mobile. I'll be waiting for you at my house. What time should I expect you?"

"I'll grab Adam first, so…eightish? Assuming the movie starts at 8:30."

"I'm looking forward to it, Edwards." The smirk was very evident in his voice again, and on that note the line disconnected.

I got out of bed, and went to wash up. I didn't have anything planned for the day, and my mom had gone to visit her mom and dad. She was taking them out to lunch, and I had offered to come along, but she had said she wanted to spend some quality time with them. I could appreciate that, so I had graciously stayed home alone.

After I changed into some shorts and a t-shirt I texted Adam the plans for later, and it didn't take him long to respond with an excited confirmation. I then decided that I didn't just want to sit around all day, so I made a list of very short, unappealing options. Finally, I thought I should do my mom a favor by cleaning the house, so I got started. I dusted a little, cleaned all the bathrooms, vacuumed and washed the floor of the kitchen. It was mind-numbing work, so I put my headphones in, and used the work as an excuse to dance around the house singing at the top of my lungs.

I finished up as soon as my mom walked through the door.

"It smells…clean in here."

"Nice to see you, too, Mom," I commented sarcastically, and she quickly gathered me in her arms for a hug.

"You smell, Clare-bear…but thank you very much for cleaning this place. It looks great."

"It's the least I could do. How are Nana and Pop?"

"Stubborn like always, but good enough." My grandparents hadn't exactly taken kindly to the fact that my mom had divorced my dad. They thought that they could have worked harder to preserve their sacred matrimony. So, things were a little tense between them still.

"They'll come around." I said it every time we talked about Nana and Pop, but neither of us really believed it. I just wanted to try to make my mom feel better. "I'm…uh; I'm hanging out with Adam soon. Do you mind if I go shower?"

"No dear, that's fine. Where are you two going?" I probably shouldn't have omitted Eli from my plans, but it didn't look like my mom was ready to deal with that specific piece of news after a day with my grandparents. I was doing her a favor…or at least that was what I told myself.

"The drive in…so there'll be two movies showing. I should be home around one."

"Okay, just wake me when you get home so that I know you made it in."

I easily agreed to my mom's simple request, and then practically ran to the shower. I had to make myself look presentable, and I didn't have a whole lot of time to do it.

I showered as quickly as possible while still carefully avoiding a cut while I shaved. After I was out, I towel dried my hair so it could hang naturally in short, gentle waves while curling in other places. I picked out a dress to wear, and then some cute flats. To top it all off I did a light application of my usual make-up.

I didn't really explore the reason I felt the need to get so dolled up, but I knew I was hoping, foolishly and recklessly, that Eli might notice. I wasn't dressing this nice for Adam, after all.

I grabbed my bag, checking my wallet for cash, and quietly snuck toward the front door- keys in hand. I crossed my fingers that my mom wasn't in the front hall…seeing me dressed so nicely for a hang out with Adam would bring up questions that I didn't want to answer.

Luck was on my side, and I called out to my mom, wherever she was in the house, that I was leaving before darting out the door.

I called Adam while I was on the way to his house to let him know that I would be there shortly, and then I rolled down the windows, turned the radio up, and enjoyed the ride.

Adam was waiting on his front porch when I pulled up to the curb and he immediately made his way to the passenger seat.

"You look nice," Adam said conversationally as he buckled himself in, but I saw the warning he shot me with his eyes.

"Thanks," I grumbled, deciding it would be best for me not to say a word.

Adam called Eli while I was driving to confirm that we should, indeed, pick him up at his house and not Fiona's. Apparently he was home and ready, so I had to run through the dusty lanes of my mind to remember how to get to Eli's. It wasn't too long of a drive, and Adam and I filled it with more top-of-your-lungs singing to Adam's iPod after he connected it to my car stereo.

I pulled up to Eli's curb and Adam quickly sent him a text that we were out front, and then unbuckled himself and got out of the car.

"What are you doing?"

"Letting Eli take shotgun…It'll be easier to keep an eye on you two from the back seat." Adam threw in another pointed look for good measure as he hopped into the cramped backseat, and I rolled my eyes. I didn't know what he expected Eli and me to do, exactly. Attack each other; start making-out? We were very capable of controlling ourselves…we barely even knew each other in the first place…not anymore, anyway.

Seconds later, Eli slid into the passenger seat smoothly. "This thing's not bad; it has character," he nodded his approval, vaguely motioning to my car- which happened to be a bright yellow VW beetle.

"Thank you; I got her used, cheap."

"Her, huh? What's the name?"

"Darcy…"

"You named your car after your sister? You must really miss her; do you still get to talk on a regular basis?"

"Not totally regular, but she is happy to continue helping people in Africa. It's just been so long since I've seen her."

"Maybe next summer you can take a trip down there to visit for a month. I mean, you might as well before you're up to your ears in student loans."

"You're assuming that I won't get a scholarship with my amazing academic record. I am a genius, remember?"

"Whatever, St. Clare; I'll match you in a battle of wits any day!"

"You're on," I shot back, the laughter that escaped from my mouth felt so natural and light. I had missed this…him. And I only had so much time to make up for everything we had lost. Now that Eli was creeping back in my life, would I be able to handle him going off to college. Would it be best if we kept our distance now so it wouldn't hurt so much when he was always busy during the school year?

Why was I thinking so far ahead? The point of taking our friendship slow was so that we could focus on one day at a time.

"Hi, Adam, great to see you," Adam prompted Eli from the backseat.

"I was getting there," Eli defended himself. "Besides, I saw you yesterday. It's not every day I'm hanging out with Clare Edwards."

"Yeah, yeah- she's great. But did you hear the news…Dead Hand is back in the recording studio. I can't wait for some more solid tunes!"

"No, I hadn't heard," Eli angled himself so he was facing the back and they started to talk music just like old times. I laughed at some of their nagging at each other, and even added my two cents as I drove to the drive-in, but mostly I just tried to absorb each moment into my memory- marking it as special and filing it away in a special cabinet. It just felt so nice to be with the two of them, and enjoying an evening that was drama free.

When we pulled up to the box office, I immediately reached for my wallet that I set in the cup holder, but Eli stopped my hand by placing his own over it. My heart skipped a beat, but I tried my best to ignore it. He dug his wallet out of his pocket, and leaned across me- playing more havoc with my heart- to hand the attendant enough money to pay for the three of us.

I pulled up to a space and parked before I turned to Eli. "You really didn't have to do that…I could pay you back."

"Yeah, thanks man," Adam chimed in.

"It's not a problem…I wanted to. Think of it as my trip to Africa before the debt." Eli winked at me, and it was possible that I blushed a deep, cheery red.

'_Friends, friends, friends, friends_,' I chanted to myself as a reminder of why we were hanging out in the first place.

"So, how is seating arranged in this tiny car you've got here," Adam asked, pointing out that we didn't have a whole lot of space to get comfy. In the end, I pulled out a few blankets from my trunk, rolled down the windows and turned the radio to the right station. We were still a little early, so we had time to fuss around about who would sit where and how, until we all ended up in the back, the front seats pushed forward and down as far as they would go. Eli was in the middle, Adam and I on either side.

Before the movie started I asked Eli about his day with Imogen and Fiona, which had been exceptional, apparently, and Eli asked me what I did all day- smirking when I told him.

"I was expecting something a bit more exciting," Eli joked.

"Nope, I'm still exceptionally boring."

"At least you're exceptional at everything you do."

"Har, har," I mocked sarcastically.

"Ah, I've missed being the awkward, third addition to your flirt fests," Adam interjected, and that resulted in Eli and I tickling him till he admitted that he really did miss hanging out with the two of us. "I never liked going back and forth between the two greatest people at Degrassi. But I wasn't about to give either of you up."

"I don't want to speak for Clare, but I think it's pretty safe to say that we're glad you didn't."

I nodded wholeheartedly as the movie started to play, and then we all turned our attention to the screen.

During the first film, which was a romantic comedy, the three of us kept up a string of running commentary followed by fits of laughter and angry glares from surrounding cars. Not that any of us cared- we were having way too much fun. But our high started to ebb when the second film, an action coated with drama, started to play. Somewhere during the middle I drifted off into a peaceful oblivion, not really paying attention to what I claimed as my pillow before falling into slumber.

An immeasurable amount of time later, two hands gently shook me awake.

"Clare, you're our ride home- you have to wake up." I recognized Adam's voice, close by.

"I don't want her to drive while she's this out…she might kill us all," Eli's voice, much closer, was coated with humor. "I can drive the car. I have my license back, and I promise not to run into any walls."

"Not funny," I mumbled, trying to kick start my senses.

"Yeah, that was kind of tasteless, huh?" Eli's laugh rang out in my ear, and I suddenly realized that Eli sounded so close because I was probably lying on his shoulder. That information was enough to wake me completely. I shifted into the upright position immediately.

Sure enough, it had been Eli that I chose as my pillow. "Oh, my God- I am so sorry!"

"Why do you look so alarmed?" Eli asked me, and Adam was eyeing me with confusion.

"I fell asleep on you," I stated the obvious, waiting for them to understand why this was bad. I had crossed a line…hadn't I?

"That's hardly the end of the world, I think."

"But I…and you…we're…slow."

"Great use of your words," Adam laughed at me, climbing out of the back seat altogether, taking the blankets with him and stashing them in the trunk.

"Clare, so you fell asleep on my shoulder. It didn't put me under any kind of evil spell or anything…take a deep breath- and relinquish your keys. I will be driving, Miss Panic Attack."

I tiredly fished my keys out of my pocket and gave them to Eli before we both got out of the back seat so Adam could climb back in. I got in the passenger seat, which felt unnatural, but I didn't fight it. It was probably for the best that I not drive.

I nodded off on the way to drop Adam off, too. I had no idea why I was exhausted…it wasn't like I had any shortage of sleep the night before, but there was a heavy fatigue weighing down on me.

I didn't wake up until Eli parked the car along his curb and killed the engine. Or at least I thought it had been Eli's curb until I looked up to see my house.

"How are you going to get home?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

"I'll walk. It's not too far, and it's a beautiful night. I really didn't want you getting behind the wheel, though. The consequences would have been disastrous."

"Thank you," I said, touched by his caring gesture.

"No, thank you…for giving me a second chance at being in your life. I know my past behaviors took a toll on you, and that sucks. But it feels really good to be able to hang out with you and Adam tonight. I missed this so much."

"I missed it, too," I admitted softly. "And I really am sorry for falling asleep on you."

"It's fine…you know I don't mind. I mean, maybe I should, but I won't."

"You're a really great person, Eli. I'm glad you can finally see that for yourself."

"You must be really tired," he laughed. "I follow no train of thought there."

"Okay…I'm going to go inside and go to bed. Goodnight, Eli. Sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams- sleep tight." Eli and I both got out of the car, Eli handed me my keys, and he started to walk away. I was about to unlock the door to my house when Eli called back to me. "By the way, you looked beautiful tonight, Clare. Next time you don't have to try so hard, though. You don't have to be sane to see that you're beautiful no matter what."

With a wink, Eli disappeared into the deep blue of the night. So he had noticed…I smiled softly to myself.

The misfits were finally back together, and I would be damned it I let anyone stop me from having the best summer of my life with Adam and Eli.

**Was that a satisfying continuation? Let me know what you thought, please! **

**Thanks for reading. :D **


	3. Matchmaker, Matchmaker

**So, I was **_**going**_** to write all the chapters of Bad Signs and Broken Pieces in succession, but I continued to be inspired by one-shots and my other stories. I suppose my creativity cannot be contained…riiiight. **

**So, anyway, since I have this idea I will write it as it's fresh in my head. Without further ado, I present to you the third chapter of Rekindle! **

**Oh, one more thing, I don't own Degrassi. **

_June 3, 2012_

"Well, look who decided to finally crawl out of bed," my mom eyed me with caution, and I wasn't sure why. I stretched for what felt like the thousandth time that morning, glancing at the clock. I almost chocked on my yawn when I saw that it was a little after one in the afternoon. When had that happened? No wonder I felt so sluggish and sore.

"Wow," I started as I grabbed a bowl and spoon with the intention of pouring myself some cereal. "I guess my body has a self-inflicted curfew. Obviously I take a long time to bounce back from late nights."

"Clare, you weren't out drinking or doing some kind of drug last night, were you?"

I dropped the box of cereal that I had been pouring and the tiny Cheerios went all over the table and floor. "Excuse me?"

"I know you said you were going to a drive in, but you were out very late…and you slept so long. Clare, are you hung over?"

I probably would have laughed at the idiocy of the question if my mother wouldn't have grounded me on the spot for not taking her seriously. "Mom, I have never even tasted alcohol before let alone drank enough of it to get drunk. I really went to the drive in last night; do you need my ticket as proof?"

My inability to tell a convincing lie worked in my favor; my mom sighed in relief as she realized I was, indeed, where I said I would be the night before. I just wasn't exactly with _who_ I said I'd be. But that was something my mom didn't need to find out until it was strictly necessary.

"No, that won't be necessary…I just, I don't know Clare. You're going to be in grade twelve soon; my baby girl is growing up so fast, and I know you can make responsible decisions for yourself. I guess I just worry about you, dear. You're a teenager, though, and I can't stop you from, erm, experimenting with those things if you really want to. Soon you'll be going off to college where I won't be able to look after you, and…," Mom trailed off, choking back tears as she came to the end of her ramblings. I walked around the table and pulled my mom into an awkward embrace.

"You know, you've done a great job raising me, and I know it hasn't been easy for you since Dad left. You can trust me, though, because you're the reason I have such a strong set of morals. I can honestly promise you that I have absolutely no desire to…experiment." I kissed my mom on her head before proceeding to pick up the mess I had made. "Where did all this come from anyway?"

My mom didn't answer for a while, so I looked up from my Cheerio gathering to find her wincing. That was suspicious… "I…well I just haven't been leading well by example these days, and I don't want that to effect the way you live your life."

"I don't think the glass of wine you every night is going to drive me to become an alcoholic."

"It's not that," my mom pressed. "I- well I might as well just come out and say this- I have a date tonight."

"That's not going to drive me to become an alcoholic either," I pointed out, my voice thick with sarcasm to cover my horror. I finally understood where my mother was going with her nervous speculating.

The blush on Mom's cheeks only made my stomach roll uncomfortably. I knew that sheepish look…it was usually followed by a request that I get lost for the night. I did not like to think about what happened after I left the house. "Is Alli free tonight?" my mom asked, managing to avoid addressing the subject directly.

"I'll, um, ask her after I finish my breakfast," I answered in dismay as I gestured vaguely to the overflowing bowl of cereal. My mom nodded, and we both silently endured the awkward passage of time as I tried to inhale my Cheerio's as quickly as possible.

After calling Alli at least five times with no answer I gave up for a while and got myself dressed for the day. I felt so behind, and dressed for my mood in my favorite pair of old, but cozy, jeans and one of the few band t-shirts that I owned before going back to my phone. I found a text from Alli informing me that she was on a date with Dave, and they had snuck out for the entire night. I was also supposed to cover for Alli if her parents called looking for her because she was, allegedly, spending the night at my house. I rolled my eyes; some advance warning would have been appreciated, but I knew Alli would do the same thing for me in a heartbeat, so I didn't really have the right to complain.

Still, that meant I had to find somewhere else to escape for the night.

I lazily scrolled through the names of my phone contacts for someone who would be willing to put up with me for a few hours. After realizing that Alli was my one and only female friend I thought of the only other person who would be willing to have me over aside from her. I quickly dialed the number from memory and listened anxiously to the monotonous ringing.

"Hey, Clare…did you make it home alive last night?" Adam joked happily as soon as he answered his phone.

"Yeah, Eli was sweet and drove me home so I wouldn't fall asleep at the wheel; then he walked home in the dark. He is always such a gentleman."

"Clare," Adam reprimanded, his voice a warning.

"Right; he was a total douche. Not an ounce of charm where Eli Goldsworthy is concerned."

"Okay, better, but we'll have to work on your delivery. That wasn't your most convincing performance."

"Jerk," I laughed. "I'm totally committed to this role, so you shouldn't worry so much."

"I'm counting on that," Adam tried to remain serious, but I could hear the suppressed laughter in his voice. "Was there a specific reason you called?"

I winced, unsure of how to ask what I wanted. "There was…how does your mom feel about co-ed sleepovers?"

"Are you serious? She would bite my head off, Clare."

"But she likes me, right? I need a place to stay tonight. If I slept in the basement do you really think she would have a problem?" I was aware of the begging quality that my voice held.

"Is everything okay, Clare?" Adam asked, immediately concerned.

"Fine, fine; my mom is just going to, um, have a _visitor_ tonight and she's kicking me out of the house." I tried to keep the distaste out of my voice when I described to Adam why I so desperately needed his mom to make an exception, but I still twisted the word 'visitor' on my tongue. The negative connotation I intended was very evident.

"Oh…_oh_; well, isn't Alli usually your go-to for situations like these?"

"She's out with Dave for the night, and I'm covering for her. Please, you're the only one I have. And you are the best, most handsome, and funniest person I know." I was laying it on thick, but I needed Adam to work his magic!

"Shut up," Adam laughed, "or I will make you pay for your insincerity. Give me a minute and I'll try to ask my mom in a way that'll make her say yes."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I chanted before I heard Adam set the phone down on some surface. I paced my room awkwardly as I waited for the verdict. I didn't know who I would ask if Mrs. Torres said no. Eli was definitely out of the question; not that I would have the gull to ask him even if it came down to that. Katie was an option, I supposed, but Marisol and I didn't exactly get along and Katie and she practically lived at each other's houses. Thankfully, Adam interrupted my glum thoughts before I thought about the people I would have to ask if I got desperate.

"You are so lucky my dad just got home from a prolonged business trip and she is strangely happy."

"Wait, that means I can spend the night, right?" I asked for clarification excitedly.

"It sure does," Adam sounded excited, too. He was probably plotting to make me play video games all night, but he was doing me a huge favor and I would do whatever he wanted to pass the time. "My mom knows we are strictly friends, so that helped your case. And you are condemned to the basement. I'll make sure you have plenty of blankets to keep you warm, though."

"You are quite literally the best, Adam Torres. When can I come over?" I was eager to make it out of the house as soon as humanly possible.

"I know I am. Just make sure you never forget it, Clare Edwards. Head over whenever; I'm not doing anything important, so company will be fun."

"I'll see you in twenty," I promised before thanking him one last time and hanging up. I quickly packed an overnight bag, double checked to make sure I'd have everything I would need and then I found my mother in her room. "Hey, I'm going over Adam's; that's where I'll be staying the night." My mom turned, a disapproving look in her eye, but I cut her off before she had the chance to protest. "I'll be staying in his basement, and Adam is practically my brother, so don't look at me like that."

"What about spending the night with Alli?"

"She's…not feeling well," I fibbed quickly, sidestepping disaster. "It sounded like the flu; I don't want to catch anything."

After a moment of deliberation my mother just shook her head. "Enjoy your night, Clare-bear. I'll call to say goodnight later. I love you."

"I love you, too. I hope you…enjoy your date."

"Thanks, sweetheart," my mom smiled, and the returned to making her bed.

And with that I was dismissed. I took my time with the drive to Adam's house, but when I got there I was surprised to find him waiting for me in his driveway. He had a basketball, but he was not facing the hoop; instead he was bouncing it off his garage, a thoughtful look on his face.

I parked Darcy on the curb and walked up to him. "Penny for your thoughts?"

"Oh, hey Clare…that was fast. You up for a game of Horse?" Before I could respond a basketball flew at my face and I barely moved fast enough to make sure it did not leave an indentation on my cheek. I was quite shocked when I actually caught it in my hands.

"A little warning would have been nice," I snipped, a smile on my face. I dropped my bag onto the grass and walked toward the basket, lining the shot up like KC had taught be to do back in grade 9 and released.

"Whoa, you can actually play," Adam's surprise was a little offensive.

"I'm Shaquille O'Neal, but I know a thing or two," I said as I caught my rebound and hurled the ball at Adam.

"Oh, she's vindictive because I almost took out her face," Adam observed and I simply did the mature thing and stuck my tongue out at him.

We played a quick game before I gave up- Adam didn't earn a single letter, and I made it to H-O-R-S before deciding to seek out Mrs. Torres to thank her. I wanted to avoid upsetting her at all costs; she was doing me a huge favor.

Adam had been right- she was in a surprisingly good mood, and she just reiterated that I had to stay in the basement once midnight rolled around. She also said that if she didn't find any funny business during the night I was welcome back anytime. Adam and I both cringed at the thought of doing anything to upset his mom, and then we made our way down the stairs to the huge T.V.

Adam attempted to teach me some shooting game, but it wasn't really my area of expertise, so he gave up and hooked up his Nintendo 64.

During a rousing game of Mario Kart Adam cell phone started to buzz demandingly.

"Are you planning to answer that?" I asked as it started to ring a second time.

"I'm with you; that would be rude."

"You're just upset because I'm beating you, and you don't want to lose concentration," I teased, lapping Adam. He groaned, pausing the game.

"How are you so good at Mario Kart, but you are challenged when it came to every other game I own?"

I set the controller down and rolled my eyes at him. "Every other game you have promotes violence or grand theft auto. Mario Kart is wholesome…and I had a lot of practice kicking Darcy's butt when we were younger. It made her mad that I was better, so she made me play it a lot."

"Sometimes I when you say Darcy I get confused as to whether you're referring to the person or the car," Adam pointed out exasperatedly as he reached for his phone. "Hmm, Eli's certainly needy at the moment. Let me just call him back and then you can go back to kicking my ass."

"Sounds about right," I smiled sweetly to him, leaning back on the couch. Adam walked over to the pool table and hoisted himself up onto it. He picked up the eight ball and started to roll it around as he waited for Eli to answer his phone. I tugged at a loose string on the hem of my shirt, feeling suddenly awkward for no reason.

"Hey man, I'm hanging with Clare; can you make this quick?" Adam listened for a moment before a bright smile overtook his face. "Dude, that sounds totally rocking! Imogen has the best ideas…yeah…sure, Clare and I will be over in a half an hour…I'm sure my mom won't care…Nah, my dad just got home so she's on cloud 9…okay, cool. I'll see you soon, bro. Bye!"

"What was that about?"

"Eli's hosting a little get together by suggestion of Imogen. You're invited; let's go ask my mom!"

I couldn't help but get caught up in Adam's infectious enthusiasm, but I wasn't sure what I was enthusiastic about… "What are we getting together for?"

Adam laughed. "Oh, sorry, I got carried away, huh?" He started to roll up our game controllers as he explained, "Imogen got invited to speak at some actors seminar tomorrow, and she wanted to do something to get her pumped. I guess the Cohen Brothers are, like, her favorite producer director people ever, so she asked Eli if we could have a marathon tonight."

I cocked an eyebrow at him, wondering where all his jitteriness was stemming from…I knew Adam was a fan of the Cohen Brothers, but he wasn't die-hard or anything. He was awfully pumped about a movie marathon. Maybe I was just reading too much into the situation as usual, though.

I helped Adam put away the gaming system, and then, as Adam went to go run everything by his mom, I mentally cursed myself for not bringing something nicer to wear if I was going to see Eli; I hadn't even bothered to put on any kind of make-up. But then I remembered what he had said the night before, and I blushed deeply.

Besides, Eli's opinion meant nothing to me; I wasn't trying to impress him. And he wasn't charming.

'_Just let that be your mantra, Clare_,' I thought to myself.

After Adam had gathered his mother's approval, and the curfew was instated, we hopped into my bug and started toward Eli's house.

Out of the blue something occurred to me, and I started to shift uncomfortably, a cold sweat breaking out on my neck.

"Hey, Clare, you look kind of green. Are you okay?"

"I, um, Adam…do Cece and Bullfrog totally hate me for everything that happened in grade 10? I mean, I left Eli when he needed me the most; they probably at least resent me." My grip on the steering wheel tightened, and my breathing started to pick up. I briefly wondered what it felt like to have an anxiety attack…if I was having an anxiety attack. I wouldn't even blame Eli's parents if they felt unpleasant things toward me, but this was the first time I would be over Eli's house in a very long time. It would be awkward enough without the added pressure of Cece and Bullfrog not wanting me there. Oh, God, why hadn't I told Adam I just wanted to stay in for the night?

Because I had jumped at the chance to see Eli, that was why.

Damn it.

He is not charming, he is not charming, and I do not still have feelings for him. Period. We were friends.

"Clare, breathe, please," Adam placed a hand on my shoulder, breaking me out of my frantic obsessions. "I don't need you crashing the car while I'm in it; you've got precious cargo to deliver," he joked.

"Funny," I retorted bitterly.

I pulled up to Eli's curb and parked before I realized my hands we shaking. Adam took notice too, and grabbed my hands in his. "Clare, seriously, Cece and Bullfrog don't blame you for anything. In fact, Cece will probably be thrilled to see you. Bullfrog hasn't changed a bit- he's just as sarcastic as his son- but he doesn't hate you either. What happened during grade 10 was not your fault, and nobody blames you for anything. Not Cece, not Bullfrog and not Eli; especially not him. Where is all this guilt coming from?"

I looked up at Adam gratefully and sighed. "I never understood how I got lucky enough to have you as one of my best friends."

"Clare, answer the question- have you always felt this guilty? Because maybe we shouldn't be here…I swear I will not let you out of this car. We will drive your ass back to my house."

"Geeze, no need for an overreaction," I accused, gently tugging my hands free from Adam's grip. "But how could I not feel the slightest bit responsible for everything that happened? I left him…then a paraded Jake around school to prove that I was over him…there is just a lot that I feel could have been prevented had I handled things differently. I don't regret anything, per say, but I…I don't know! Can we just forget this happened and go inside; please?"

Adam eyed me for what felt like forever, but I wasn't quite sure of the emotion he found etched onto my face. Either way he finally gave in. "Fine…I am not taking my eyes off you. And if you start to feel the slightest bit uncomfortable, tell me, and we'll go. I mean it, Clare, okay?"

"Okay; scouts honor." We get out of the car and walked toward Eli's front door. I caught Adam off guard by pressing my lips to his cheek swiftly just to show him that I appreciated everything he had ever done for me. "I love you, buddy."

Adam blushed, still not used to me when I got all mushy on him. "Yeah, yeah…I love you, too, freak."

I couldn't wipe the fond smile off my face as Adam gave a firm knock to the door. It didn't take long for a cheery Cece to answer, and before I had time to register anything I was wrapped up in a warm embrace. It had been awhile, but it seemed as though Cece still wore the same perfume, and it surrounded me in a cloud.

"Clare Diana Edwards, you look so grown up. Oh, dear, look at your sweet face. We have missed your beautiful smile brightening up the Goldsworthy casa!"

"Mom, release," I heard Eli chuckle from the corner of the room.

"Oh, sorry, sweetie; I get carried away. Can I get you something to eat, drink? Don't hesitate to ask; just because you haven't been here in forever doesn't mean you shouldn't feel at home." I could help but laugh at her enthusiasm. Why had I been worried? This was Cece and Bullfrog, after all; they wouldn't harm a fly.

I reached out to touch Cece's hair, and instantly felt stupid for the first thing that came out of my mouth. "You cut your hair; I love it!" Heat flooded my cheeks.

But, before I knew it, I was in Cece's arms again. "Aren't you just the cutest? Eli, why'd you ever let this one go?"

"Yeah it's good to see you, too," Adam commented sarcastically at the same time that I heard Eli groan.

"Cece! Please stop embarrassing us and let Adam and Clare into the house!"

"Boys," Cece scoffed before moving aside to finally let Adam and me further than the door frame. "I'll be in the kitchen making dinner. Let me know if you need anything. Have fun, kids!"

"Yeah, thanks," Eli smirked at her. "Keep Bullfrog locked up in there, too, won't ya?"

"Always so ungrateful!" Cece chuckled, giving Eli a kiss to his forehead as she passed him. He smiled after her, and I was suddenly at home. I missed this house, always so much more open than my own. It had been my safe haven during parental fights; the one place where nothing was taboo and I was always welcome. I wanted to break down and cry at all the emotions swirling through my body, but I just cleared my throat and looked around.

Adam was eyeing me with worry, but I gave him the most reassuring smile I could muster. Imogen and Fiona were on the couch talking softly about which movie to start with, and Eli was watching me- a shy smile on his lips.

"Welcome back," Eli joked, and my smile grew bigger. "I guess the gangs all here now. Imo, have you picked which movie you want to watch first?"

"Don't rush me; this is a life changing decision. I must take my time," Imogen stuck her tongue out at Eli, who responded with an eye roll. "But first, I must greet my good friend Adam Torres, and my newest friend Clare Edwards!"

Without hesitation Imogen bounded over to me and pulled me into another hug. I wasn't used to this much affection, but I tried not to be too awkward as I hugged her back. Fiona simply waved from the couch as Imogen moved onto Adam. I smiled and nodded at her before Imogen took a running leap and landed on top of Fiona on the couch.

"A little warning next time, please, Imogen," Fiona groaned, but she was smiling at the girl who was now sitting on her lap.

"If she gave you warning then it just wouldn't be Imogen," Adam pointed out fondly, a light blush on his cheeks…huh, that was interesting. Adam was eyeing Imogen with a dreamy look of admiration. Was Adam crushing on Imogen Moreno?

"True," Fiona agreed dryly.

"I just love having friends!" Imogen explained matter-of-factly, as if that was an excuse for her erratic behavior. Then, as if nothing happened, she slipped off Fiona and went back to examining the DVD cases. "Okay, I've made a decision," she announced solemnly after a second passed. "We shall start off the night's festivities with The Big Lebowski, then we can watch No Country for Old Men, True Grit, and to end it all, my personal favorite, O Brother, Where Art Thou. Then, I believe my mother will want me home so we can cuddle before I go to sleep!"

I glanced at Eli, wondering what the appropriate response to the last comment was, but he just shrugged. Obviously, Imogen took some getting used to- Fiona, Adam and Eli seemed desensitized to all the weird things that came out of her mouth. Well, I looked forward to reaching the point of comfort as well; she seemed as sweet as she was weird.

Eli grabbed Imogen's first choice off the coffee table and set up the T.V. Fiona shifted to make more room on the couch, and Adam took no hesitation in filling the empty seat left next to Imogen. Happily, Imogen shifted to the center of the couch and slung her arms around Fiona and Adam's shoulders. A pleased smile lit up Adam's face…oh yeah; he was definitely harboring some romantic feelings toward Miss Moreno. I was fluent in Adam body language…hmm…the possibilities.

I was too busy speculating on Adam's potential feelings that I didn't realize there was no room left for me on the couch. Eli flipped off the lights and hopped onto the loveseat before noticing that I was still awkwardly standing off to the side. "Edwards, it looks like you're stuck with me," Eli announced, patting the space next to him.

"I will do a hand-check if necessary," Adam warned as I tentatively took up residence next to Eli. Even though it was dark I could see that Eli was blushing as deeply as I was at Adam's comment.

"I could say the same to you," Eli growled quietly, recovering quickly from his embarrassment. Adam's eyes widened in horror as Eli nodded subtly toward Imogen. So I wasn't the only one to have noticed…

The first movie went off without hitch…it was obviously supposed to be a comedy, but I wasn't a fan of the dull humor stretched through the entire film. It wasn't bad though. After that ended, Cece called us all to the kitchen, and we ate a quick meal of mac and cheese before returning to our spots in the living room.

Bullfrog barely even blinked an eye as he had spotted me among the usual horde of teenagers over his house. He simply patted me on the back and asserted that it was good to see me.

Halfway through the second movie Cece brought out two huge bowls of popcorn- one to be shared among the people on the couch, and one for Eli and me.

It seemed suspicious that Eli and I seemed to reach for the popcorn at exactly the same time, every time, but I felt as if the blush was a permanent fixture on my face every time Eli's fingers brushed mine. Adam, as promised, even called hand-check once, but Eli chucked the remote at his head, and that shut Adam right up.

I started to get bored toward the end of the third movie, but as soon as it was over Eli whispered in my ear, "You'll like this last one; try to hang in there, Edwards."

I shivered as his warm breath caressed my neck and cheek, but tried to ignore it. He chuckled, so I supposed any hope that I had of him not noticing was out the window. '_He's not charming, he's not charming._'

He was, however, right. O Brother, Where Art Though seemed to be an interesting adaptation of The Odyssey and I was hooked. As the credits rolled, Eli smirked at my attentive face. "Told you so."

"Smart Alec," I accused as I felt my phone buzz in my pocket. I saw that it was my mom trying to call, but I really didn't feel like talking to her, so I put it back without answering. Besides, I didn't need her asking where I was.

"Thanks for a lovely evening, as always," Fiona smiled at everyone in the room as she got up to stretch, "but I had better got Imogen home." She walked toward Eli and gathered him in a hug. He reciprocated the embrace tightly and I tried not to feel jealous…she was a lesbian, for crying out loud…but I couldn't totally repress the distaste in my mouth as Eli moved on to give Imogen a vice tight hug as well.

"Let me know how everything goes tomorrow?" he asked Imogen as she pulled away.

"A swarm of angry bees will not keep you from a full, detailed story."

"Maybe we could get together tomorrow, and she could tell us all the detailed story?" Adam suggested eagerly.

"I'll be out of town tomorrow," Fiona said, sadness in her voice, "but I can get with Imogen another time and hear all about her wonderful experience. You guys should just go without me."

"You're sure?" Eli checked, and Fiona nodded. "Cool, well, Clare, you're welcome to come, too. Coffee at The Dot around 5:30?"

"Yeah, sure, thanks for inviting me," I smiled at him, and his answering smile turned my insides to mush. Damn him for being so excited. Friends, friend, friends!

"I'll be counting down the minutes to our caffeine-rich outing!" Imogen smiled before pulling Eli in for another hug. She then turned to me and pulled me into another tight embrace. Next, she hopped over to Adam, gave him a hug and then a quick peck on the cheek. I was pretty sure Adam almost fainted on the spot. He totally wasn't going to bed without a talk.

"Chow," Fiona waved to us all before grabbing Imogen's hand and tugging her out the door.

"We should probably go, too, so your mom doesn't kill us," I pointed out, turning to Adam.

"Okay…I just have to pee first," he explained, running away before I could say anything.

"Well, I 'm so glad he shared," I joked sarcastically, turning to find Eli eyeing me up and down. I gulped nervously.

"I see you too my advice to heart," Eli smiled smugly.

"What on Earth are you talking about?"

"I told you that you didn't have to try so hard to be beautiful…I was right. Even in jeans and a t-shirt you're still the most gorgeous girl in the room."

"I'm the only girl in the room," I pointed out to hide my twisted pleasure. '_He is not charming…he is NOT charming…damn it, he is so charming._' I felt my heartbeat accelerate as Eli continued to stare me in the eye, the soft smile touching his eyes and making them sparkle slightly.

"You know what I meant," he whispered and I unconsciously shifted closer to me.

"Okay, relived and ready to go!" Adam announced, immediately breaking the trace Eli and I were stuck in. He looked back and forth between Eli and me, not oblivious to the sudden shift in atmosphere, and raised his eyebrow at me.

I just shook my head slightly, hoping to dispel Adam's justified worries.

With some muttered, awkward goodbyes Adam and I were headed back to his house. The ride was pretty silent, both Adam and I lost in some thoughts...

As soon as we got back to his house, Adam went to make sure his mom knew we had made it back before curfew- with time to spare no less!- and then we split ways to change and get ready for bed.

I had just settled myself onto the soft couch when I heard Adam softly creeping down the stairs. "Clare?" he whispered anxiously.

"Yes," I whispered back, sitting up.

"I just wanted to say goodnight," I saw his shadow shrug in the darkness.

He started to walk away, but I called out to stop him. "Wait! I'm not tired yet…talk to me?"

"Sure," Adam responded happily, and sat himself down in front of the couch. "What happened with you and Eli while I was in the bathroom?"

I groaned. For some insane reason I had thought Adam would drop that. "Nothing," I responded quickly. And it was true, technically nothing had happened.

"Don't give me that, Clare."

"I'm telling the truth, though. Contrary to popular belief, Eli and I seem to be able to control ourselves, thank you very much." 

"You guys just…you still look at each other with those eyes…and that worries me as much as it makes me jealous," Adam admitted the last part in a chagrined whisper.

"Yeah, let's talk about that."

"Talk about what?" Adam asked nervously, playing dumb…not very well, I might have added.

"Oh, I don't know, the way you look at Imogen?"

"Oh…that…," my eyes, having adjusted to the dark, caught the subtle darkening of Adam's cheeks.

"Yes, that…you've been a monk since the slight flirtation with Katie. Why don't you go for it?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Adam's voice hardened uncharacteristically. "There is a reason I stopped putting myself out there in high school. No girl wants to date the trans-kid. Not to mention, Imogen is going away to the States for college. She got accepted into some amazing performing arts school…Julliard, or whatever."

I couldn't help but be impressed at the little tidbit about Imogen. I had never seen her act, but she had to be talented to make it into Julliard. Still, "Adam, I don't know her too well, but Imogen isn't your typical high school girl. I think you actually have a chance. Besides, you'll never know if you don't try."

"I also won't end up crushed and disappointed if I don't try," Adam pointed out bitterly, and my heart broke for him.

"I know it's hard to stay positive, but you are an amazing guy, Adam Torres. And some girl will be smart enough to appreciate what you have to offer someday."

Adam was quite for at least two minutes before speaking again. I could tell he was suppressing emotion by the roughness of his voice. "Clare, I know I'm not always great at showing it, but I love you. You and Eli are the best friends a transgender kid could ask for. Your acceptance has always meant so much to me…"

"Don't mention it, Adam. You are more than deserving of a world of acceptance. I love you, too. Thanks for letting me spend the night. I'll see you in the morning?"

"You bet," he responded, standing up. "Goodnight, Clare-bear."

"Sleep tight, Adam…nope, I can't think of any good words that rhyme with your name."

He laughed his entire way up the stairs, and as soon as he was out of ear-shot I whipped my phone out and dialed a distantly familiar number.

"Clare, it's, like, midnight…why are you calling me?"

"Well, hello to you, too," I greeted Eli.

"Hi…seriously, though…I was just about to hop in bed."

"I won't keep you long," I promised. "Have you noticed the way Adam looks at Imogen…?"

XXX

_June 4, 2011_

Eli and I had a plan; it wasn't a great plan, but it was a plan, nonetheless.

I spent the afternoon making my mom dinner to make up for the fact that I had ignored her call the night before, she threw a fit before leaving for work, and I had finished just in time to meet Adam, Imogen and Eli at The Dot.

Eli had told me he would pick up Imogen and Adam and I could drive separately. He would have picked me up, too, but we kind of needed a getaway car.

When I arrived at The Dot, the other three were already at the counter ordering coffee and pastries. They greeted me warmly as I joined them at the counter. Once we all had drinks, and a large slice of chocolate cake to share, we found a table.

"Well, you certainly impressed my mom with your manners, Clare. She's more than happy to let you back anytime," Adam announced proudly.

"Good…I just might have to take advantage of that. My mom and I had an argument earlier."

"Is everything okay?" Eli asked, immediately concerned.

"Yeah, yeah- she kicked me out of the house yesterday so she could have a place to come back to after her date, but then she was pissed at me for not wanting to talk to her after that. Same old drama at the Edwards' house; bet you don't miss that," I joked at Eli bitterly.

"I think he missed everything about you," Imogen announced innocently, causing a blush to color both Eli's and my cheeks alike.

"Yeah, so, tell us about this seminar…," Eli quickly changed the subject, and Imogen, needing no more prompting than that, launched into a very detailed description of her day. I thought she might have been embellishing the fight that broke out among the attendees, but, either way, it was an interesting story to listen to. However, I couldn't totally focus. I kept sneaking glances at Eli…waiting for the signal.

Once Imogen finally finished her story, Eli started to scratch his nose, throwing me a pointed glance.

"Hey, Eli," I started loudly, obnoxiously.

"Yes, Clare," Eli shot back, equally overdoing our scripted conversation.

"I have something to show you…you know, that thing in my room."

Adam looked up at me, recognizing his horribly thin line from a week ago. He narrowed his eyes at both Eli and me. "What are you two doing?" he hissed under his breath.

"Right, the thing; I would love for you to show it to me!"

"Great, let's go," I exclaimed, gathering my things lighting quick. Eli was just a half a step behind, both of us ignoring whatever Adam was calling after us. We quickly go into my bug and I started to speed off. "We are horrible people," I finally concluded, dissolving into a fit of giggles.

Eli joined me in laughter, and I had to pull over so that I wouldn't cause an accident. I was laughing so hard there were tears in my eyes. "We sure are," Eli finally affirmed. "We also make a great pair…with reservations, of course," Eli blushed, meeting my gaze. I was pretty sure that in the past few days I had seen Eli blush more than I had ever seen Eli blush since I had known him.

With a start I realized that Eli and I were completely alone…with a couple hours to kill…and I was stuck thinking about how damn charming he was…again.

Oh, God, the possibilities.

What had I gotten myself into?

**Sorry to leave you there for the time being. Hopefully, I won't make you wait too long for the next installment. **

**Review? **


	4. What it Means to Be a Friend

**You guys are so awesome; all of you! The response to this story is very encouraging, so, as some of you have requested, I am making an effort to update it more often. And, on the plus side, I got my act together and mapped out what needs to happen every chapter and so on and so forth. **

**So, in case you were wondering, this story will be 18 chapters including the epilogue.**

**Two quick things before we move on- musiksnob's latest work in progress, Reasons to Love You, is phenomenal and I guarantee that if you like my story, you will love hers- go check it out! Also, CheapNovelty is a fantastic artist, so if you like to laugh, go check out her tumblr. She will have you in stitches. Alright, sorry about the long author's note. **

**Thank you all for being wonderful and complementary and beautiful. Lastly, I don't own Degrassi. **

_June 4, 2012_

Eli was still staring at me, and I wanted to speak but I didn't know if I could trust my voice. So, instead of chancing anything, I slipped my card back into drive and smoothly swooped back into the flow of traffic. I had no destination in mind, but I needed something to concentrate on.

"Where are we going?" he asked, and I could still feel his eyes on my face. It was very distracting. Thank God we hadn't talked while I was still learning to drive; I would have crashed an indefinite amount of times. As it was, I had more than a year of experience under my belt and I was worried about crashing if he continued to stare at me with those eyes…

Still, I couldn't just ignore him completely. He would probably start to think I was nuts. "Um, I don't really know; I'm just kind of…well, going."

"An act of spontaneity; I like it," Eli decided, finally taking his eyes off my face. I let the breath I had been holding out in one long gust. "Am I making you nervous or something?"

I wanted to kick myself; he wasn't supposed to notice how keyed up I suddenly was. "No, not at all, I'm just…trying to focus on the road is all." Smooth, Clare, very smooth.

He laughed at my horrible cover, but, thankfully, dropped the subject. "Remember those driving lessons I used to give you?"

"Yeah," I answered, mentally adding, '_I was distracted by you then, too, jerk. But at least I wasn't worried about screwing with the delicate balance of our friendship just by being attracted to you._'

Saying that out loud probably wouldn't have gone over well…

"Well, I'm happy to say that you have improved since then."

"You are such an ass," I turned briefly to glare at him before realizing what a bad idea it was to look at him while I was trying to drive. I quickly spun back to face the traffic, hating how just looking him in the eye momentarily was enough to make my heart lurch.

"Now there is something I will never get used to," Eli laughed, shifting in his seat.

"What are you talking about?" I asked, irritated that, despite everything I kept telling Adam, I was having a hard time controlling myself the second I was truly left alone with Eli. He was just so relaxed and calm and beautiful and snarky…he was just so Eli.

"Profanity falling from the lips of Clare Edwards; it goes against laws of nature."

"You're so funny," I let the tone of my voice suggest that I thought he was anything but. "I've done a lot of growing up since you and I last talked. Profanity is just another way of expressing yourself, so I save it for when I'm particularly agitated, thank you very much."

"Are you saying I agitate you at a level beyond the norm…an emotion sometimes identified as nervousness, perhaps?" I turned to find that smug smirk very prominent on Eli's face. I wanted to slap it right off.

"This…this I have not missed. You have a lot of redeeming qualities, Goldsworthy, but your arrogance is not one of them."

"You're avoiding my question," Eli pointed out quietly, and I glanced over to find his guard completely crumpled around him. He looked…just as scared as I felt.

"Because answering it won't make things any easier," I pointed out, matching his low tone.

"Yeah, but if I knew for sure that you are just as nervous as I am right now it might make me feel better." Eli took a deep breath, and then added, "It might be easier to move past it if we both admit it, you know?"

"Fine," I sighed, unable to deny that he had a point. "I am nervous right now. Very nervous, in fact. But if we find a way to screw this up, Adam will kill us."

Eli let out a loud chuckle, and I was lost in how happy he sounded. It was strange, but at the same time it felt natural. Eli deserved all the happiness in the world, after all. "Yeah, he sure will. Especially considering I keep telling him I'll be able to handle everything; if I make one wrong move he will go into mom-mode. I know he cares about me, but his hovering around the situation is actually making me more anxious than I would have been otherwise."

"Is it…I mean; is the anxiety too much to handle right now?"

I saw Eli shake his head in my peripheral vision. "I'm not going to lose control or anything, Clare…I know I have a handle on things. I've had a lot of time to practice the delicate art of keeping my moods in check. It's just, when Adam, or anyone else for that matter, brings up the fact that my current state is fragile…well they make me feel like a time-bomb, and I hate it."

"Hey, you can't think like that," I pointed out gently. "I know we haven't been in contact for a long time, so I'm not an expert or anything, but I see the blatant differences in you that other people might not notice. Even Adam, considering he has been so close to the situation for so long. I can tell you're finally happy, I see the calm in your eyes…you're just so…Eli. And I only got to see the real you for short periods of time when I knew you, but that was enough to make me fall in love with you. Now you've finally found a place where you can be that sarcastic but loveable guy all the time."

I turned to give Eli an encouraging smile, and he looked back at me in awe. "Wow. How are you still able to say exactly what I need to hear when I need to hear it?"

"Oh, my gosh; that's perfect!" I cried out, making a sharp right turn before either Eli or I were really ready for it. "Whoops, sorry," I apologized sheepishly as I pulled into a parking space in the lot of Chapters- my favorite bookstore.

"Shit, Clare, I think you gave me whiplash," Eli complained, rubbing his neck as he took in the building in front of him. "A bookstore, really? I guess not everything changes so drastically. You're still the biggest nerd I know."

"That's quite a bold statement coming from a guy who once threw a party for the release of an issue of The Goon. And there were only two people in attendance…one of them being you."

"Adam enjoyed every minute of that release party; I did it for him," Eli claimed, holding his head high.

"Whatever lets you sleep at night," I shot back, getting out of the car. "And I happen to know that you spend just as much time here as I do, so don't you dare complain."

Eli followed suit, and got out of the Bug; falling into step beside me as I walked to the front door. "Yes, I love it here, but it's not exactly the spontaneous adventure I was expecting."

"Well, then we'll just have to make it spontaneous and exciting for you, won't we?" I winked.

"Challenge accepted," Eli smirked, holding the door open for me. I thanked him as I walked past into the unusually empty Chapters. I inhaled the comforting aroma of coffee and books deeply before turning to find Eli doing the same thing.

"Nerd," I accused cheekily, and Eli held his hands up in surrender.

"Okay, I take it back; you're not the biggest nerd I know. We're equally nerdy."

I nodded, accepting that. "Much better; don't you forget it."

"Okay, okay; what fun and exciting thing do you propose we do first?"

"Get coffee?" I suggested, but didn't wait for Eli to answer before making my way to the coffee shop connected to the main floor of the bookstore.

"What; the coffee from The Dot wasn't good enough for you?"

"Nope," I admitted with a chuckle. "The coffee here is a million times better. Come on; I'll pay."

"Well in that case," Eli followed me after making a show of thinking about it. We both ordered a frozen blend of coffee and then found an empty table where we could brainstorm exciting things to do in a bookstore.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence I slammed the table, making Eli jump. "I've got it!"

"Maybe you should lay off the caffeine before you give me a heart attack," he joked, but still tried to reach for my coffee. I swatted his hand away angrily.

"Do you want to hear my idea or not?" He resigned, folding his hands in his lap before giving me a look that said I should continue. "Let's do a scavenger hunt!" Eli raised his eyebrow at me, and I rolled my eyes at him. "Let me finish; I'll write you a list of things to find, and you write one for me. Nothing is off limits; you can make it as impossible as you please, but we have to find everything in the store."

"I like it," Eli decided, "but don't think for a second that I am going easy on you."

"Oh, don't worry; I don't intend to cut you any slack, either."

"Bring it on," Eli smiled evilly, and I pulled out a pad of paper and two pens from my purse. I ripped off a page for each of us, and we both started to scribble the most ridiculous clues we could think of.

As soon as we traded, though, both of us groaned at the absurdity of the task we had laid out for each other. However, that didn't mean we would back down. "We meet back at this table in thirty minutes with as many clues as we could find…whoever has the most items, wins."

"What do we win?"

I bit my lip. "Hmm, I don't know; I guess we'll have to figure that out when we're done." Eli nodded and pocketed his list. "On your marks, get set…go!"

Both of us took off in different directions. I stopped once he was out of sight to go over the list of clues Eli had given me…something unconventional to write with, a book with a provocative cover (he sure knew how to make me uncomfortable after all this time) and music that wasn't actually music (was I even supposed to understand what that meant?) among others.

But, the last item on Eli's list was my favorite. And possibly as complicated as it was simple.

I had to find Eli's favorite book.

Now, most people would run for the section with all of Chuck Palahniuk's works, but I wasn't most people. It seemed that Eli forgot that I knew him better than almost anybody, perhaps only excluding Adam, Cece and Bullfrog.

Eli's all-time favorite book was a children's picture book called _Running With Scissors_, and I had, unfortunately, stumbled upon it during the cleaning of his crowded room. That was probably the only reason I knew about it in the first place. It was the single most morbid book I had ever read, and I nearly threw up while Eli forced me to page through it. Each page had a sensible piece of advice, like not running with scissors, but it was also accompanied with a horrible illustration of what would happen if you didn't.

I had never completely gotten over the detailed cartoon of the little boy with a pair of scissors gouged into his eye…bright red blood all over his face.

I shivered just thinking about it.

However, even though I knew Eli's favorite book, that didn't make it any easier to find. The author had some Russian last name that I never pronounced right, and the book wasn't exactly mainstream to begin with. I would have been shocked if Chapter's carried it.

Asking an associate was out of the question; that felt like cheating. But after five minutes of browsing all the obvious sections it would be in, I decided I had to think outside the box.

To my surprised delight, I finally found the obscure book in the comics section. One item down, nine to go.

I looked back down on the list and blushed again at the 'provocative cover'. Eli was just doing that to spite me; I knew it. Well, if he wanted racy, I would not disappoint him. In fact, I would go one step further than that and totally shock him.

I quickly found the section for Lesbian and Gay literature…browsing the spines for something that sounded promising. I blushed even harder when I found something called _Pussy Tales_, but the cover definitely sufficed as provocative. I tried not to cringe away from it as I placed the other book over top so I didn't have to look at the nude woman on the cover…or the girl with her hand down her pants. At that point I was unsure which was the lesser of the two evils.

For the music that wasn't actually music clue I browsed the drama section until I found the libretto to Rent, figuring that was a good of a solution as any. After all, the book possessed all the lyrics to the songs, but there wasn't any sheet music, there was no CD…it seemed legitimate to me, but it might prove to be a hard sell to Eli.

Next, as a shot in the dark, I went up to the front counter where they kept all the little trinkets that were supposed to tempt you as you stood in line, waiting to check out. There was no shortage of writing utensils, but I had to find something 'unconventional'. Finally, a Pez dispenser that doubled as a pen caught my eye. It seemed unconventional enough to me, so I grabbed it and moved on, avoiding the questioning stare of the woman behind the counter.

After the half hour was up I raced back to the table where Eli was sitting patiently, several items surrounding him. "How many did you find?" Eli questioned smugly.

"Six," I answered glumly as I sat down. "What about you?"

"Ten," Eli smirked and I rolled my eyes. "I was expecting a challenge, but you barely made me work for anything, Edwards. I'm disappointed."

"Sorry I'm not as evil as you, Mr. Provocative Cover."

The wicked grin came back and Eli held out his hand. "I am beyond curious as to what St. Clare came up with for that one. Did you find a book of two people kissing?"

"Funny; you know I'm not that prude," I shot back in my defense, but I couldn't stop the blush from coloring my cheeks as I realized what I had said. Eli and I really hadn't done anything else but kiss…except that one time I let his hand wander, over the clothes of course. However, afterward, I felt awkward and dirty and Eli promised me to never take it that far again.

"In theory, no…but you're still you," Eli pointed out, taking it all in stride. I handed him the book, averting my eyes from the cover, and watched his face as his mouth went slack with shock. "You picked this book out…really?"

"You wanted something provocative; don't pretend like I'm the perverted one!" I yelled at him, embarrassed.

But Eli just smiled at me. "I am surprised at you, Clare."

"As if I would have found that without you provoking me," I scoffed. And Eli, sensing that I had grown uncomfortable, changed the subject, showing me all the items he had found for my clues. They were all perfect, of course, and I hated him for it. He gave me a hard time about every item I had picked up, except his favorite book.

"Where did you find this?" he asked in awe, flipping through the pages.

"Come on, I'll show you," I offered, tugging on his hand. After I had gotten his momentum going, I had intended to let go, but Eli kept a firm hold on my hand and I felt my stomach lurch gratefully.

'_Just friends, just friends, just friends; not charming, not charming…_'

We put all the books and various items back except _Running With Scissors_, and then I dragged Eli over to the comic section. When we got there, he sank to the ground with his book, patting the ground next to him. I carefully set myself down and watched his face as he continued to flip through the morbid comedy of his favorite book. He looked so content, and he didn't even notice when his raven hair flopped right in front of his face. I wanted so badly to reach out and brush it back from his forehead, but that would have been a bad idea, so I sat on my hands instead.

Finally, Eli looked up at me. "How did you know this was my favorite book? I was expecting _Fight Club_, to be honest. I was all ready to discredit it when you brought it back to me."

"How easily you forget," I teased before reminding him, "We came across it on one of the days I help you with your room."

Eli's soft, green eyes seemed to be looking far too deep into my own as he spoke. "I remember that…you found it under all the popcorn buckets and you were so disgusted, but you never ran out the door like I kept waiting for you to do. You stayed the entire time as I tried to piece myself back together in vain. I've always taken you for granted, haven't I?"

"I never thought so," I whispered. "The problem was never a lack of appreciation; it was the fact that you cared far too much. It…it wasn't healthy."

Eli sighed, but his eyes were unwavering, and I could not look away. He had me in a trance. "I could apologize every day for the rest of my life, but that will never make up for the fact that I crashed my damn hearse into a wall just to lure you away from a dance. What the fuck was wrong with me?"

For a second I saw the old, self-loathing Eli flash in the emerald depths of his eyes. But then he looked away suddenly and took several steadying, deep breaths. After a few minutes of silence, I decided it was okay for me to speak again. "Are you okay?" When he nodded, I continued. "We both know that your mind was playing tricks on you, and you had no control of your erratic behavior. I'm not saying it's a perfect justification, but it is what it is. I'm over it, and so are you. Besides, you're not the only person who did stupid things that night. I said some pretty awful things to you, and we both let it spiral out of hand. But we're getting this second chance, and I know you won't be crashing anymore cars."

Eli leaned his head back against the bookshelf and a small ghost of a smile touched his lips. "Yes, we are friends now, and that is what matters. We'll make this time better. There's no reason to live in the past, right?"

"Absolutely none at all," I smiled, but then added, "but it doesn't hurt to look back every now and then. I mean, there are a lot of happy memories to dwell on."

"Like public embarrassment during skipped classes," Eli agreed, looking back at me with the calm back in his eyes and a smile on his face.

"And rewritten Shakespeare classics."

"Don't forget the painful matching piecing's!"

"Which I still have, by the way," I giggled as I pulled back my hair to show him the earring that I had recently shoved back into the semi-closed hole. My ear had not been too happy, but I thought it had been worth it. Especially since Eli was smiling so warmly at me as he reached out to touch it gently. I shivered.

Then, he pulled his hair back to show me where an earring still adorned his eat; not the same earring that we had gotten together, but it was still there. "I still have it too," he added happily.

Then, all of a sudden, I noticed the clock on the wall behind Eli. "Adam and Imogen," I exclaimed, realizing that we had left them at The Dot longer than we had planned.

"Oh, shit," Eli shot up, as did I, and we both raced to the Bug. I practically sped the entire way back to The Dot, but after I parked on the curb and we went inside, Adam and Imogen were nowhere to be found.

"Do you suppose this a good or bad thing?" I asked nervously as Eli and I approached the table where we had left our friends.

"I'll assume good, despite this note Adam has so kindly left for us," Eli smirked as he held out a napkin with Adam's chicken scratch all over it.

'_Dear Eli and Clare, I will kill you tomorrow, but right now Imogen and I decided to move our party elsewhere. –Adam P.S. You can run but you can't hide._'

I laughed so loud a few of the other customers turned to glare. "Is he seriously threatening us?"

"I guess we'll find out tomorrow," Eli winked at me, and I had to look away before he could see the blush on my cheeks.

'_So freaking charming,_' I cursed in my head. But I had survived an afternoon alone with him. This friendship would work; I was stronger than I thought.

XXX

_June 5, 2012_

"I'm leaving for work, Clare. Don't stay in bed all day," my mom called up the stairs, making me groan. She still hadn't totally forgiven me for ignoring her, but I wasn't exactly thrilled with her either. We got along for long stretches of time until my mom took it out on me when one of her dates went sour. I knew she just wanted to find someone to settle down with, but she was going about it the wrong way and it was slowly taking a toll on our relationship.

Whatever, I decided a day in bed sounded like a great idea…even if it was just to spite her.

However, when I rolled over to find a comfortable position my phone started to buzz. "This is Clare," I said angrily into the receiver, not even bothering to check the caller ID.

"If anyone had a right to be pissed right now, it's me," Adam's iced tone immediately caught my attention, and I sat up in bed.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I played innocent.

"Save it, Clare Edwards. You and Eli are two very evil people, and you shall suffer the consequences."

"I'm quivering," I joked.

"Meet me at The Dot in twenty minutes. I will hunt you down if you chicken out. I know where you live."

Before I had the chance to compose myself enough to answer him, the line went dead, so I propelled myself from bed to work on making myself presentable.

After I brushed my teeth and changed, I headed out the door- opting to walk to The Dot since it wasn't far and the weather was gorgeous. Eli, also on foot, arrived at the front of the café at the same time I did.

"Fancy meeting you here," he greeted me, pretending to tip a hat at me. I rolled my eyes and held the door open for him. "So, should I assume that you got a threatening call from Adam this morning, too?"

"Yes, you should. He actually told me he knew where I lived. I felt like I was in a cheesy horror movie for a minute."

"Hmm, at least he didn't use the same line twice- I got the old 'you'll regret it if you don't show up'. I was very frightened," Eli said seriously, and I chuckled at his absurdity.

"That's right, add salt to the wound," Adam growled from behind us, and we both jumped. Then he deadpanned, "Follow me," before walking toward a table in the corner. Eli raised his eyebrows at me, but we both followed quickly behind.

As soon as we sat down Eli started to talk. "You know we were just trying to help, right?"

That was enough to set Adam off. "Help? You thought what? That it wouldn't be completely awkward to set Adam and Imogen up if we pretend it's an accident? Imogen's not stupid you know, she knew what was going on. And when she asked me if I knew why you guys were trying to get us alone it resulted in the single, most awkward conversation I have ever had with a girl!"

"So you're telling me it didn't work?" Eli shot back.

"I didn't say that!" Adam practically screeched, and Eli and I exchanged triumphant smiles. "After I got over having to explain to her that I kinda-sorta had feelings for her, Imogen admitted that she thought I was the sweetest human on earth, and that she found me intriguing. When I asked her what that meant, she told me of course she knew about my situation, but that wasn't an issue for her. Of course, she wants to take it super slow since she's leaving for college at the end of summer, so we are going to reassess before she moves."

"Adam, I'm so happy for you," I reached across the table and squeezed his hand.

"That's not all that happened…I can tell by the look on your face," Eli pointed out, talking at the same time I did.

"Well, we decided to take advantage of our alone time…and we went to a playground upon Imogen's request. She was going wild, and I was just watching her enjoy herself until she ran right up to me…and she kissed me before taking off for the slide…it was kind of amazing," Adam admitted.

"That's my boy," Eli reached out for a high five which, after shooting him a death-glare, Adam reciprocated.

"You guys are still in the dog house…but thank you. I owe you one."

"No you don't," I insisted. "We love you, Adam. We just didn't want you to miss out on an opportunity because you were scared. Believe me, you'll spend the rest of your life going over the 'what-if's' if you let life pass you by."

"Okay, thanks for that Buddha," Eli snorted, and I shoved him, almost succeeding in pushing him out of the chair.

Adam eyed us with open warning in his eyes. "So where did you two take off to yesterday, anyway?"

"Clare's room, of course," Eli joked.

"You wish," I stuck my lounge out at him, and then blushed at my own brash comment.

"Seriously, what happened," Adam demanded.

"We went to Chapters…and we didn't even ravish each other; imagine that! See, we can control ourselves. We have proven it, so you can back off now Captain Cautious."

"Did you really just call him Captain Cautious?" Eli asked incredulously.

"I do not approve of the judgment in your tone."

"Will you two stop already," Adam groaned, covering his ears. "I'm getting sick from all your sap."

"Just think, soon enough you and Imogen can make Clare and me uncomfortable with your constant flirting," Eli pointed out optimistically.

"Don't you dare think I won't," Adam warned. "I have a lot of lost time to make up for. You guys have, like, six months' worth of payback coming."

"Bring it on, Torres, bring it on," Eli smirked at him as I laughed at them, completely lost in the joy of their company.


	5. I So Hate Consequences

**This is so much fun to write. I just really miss EClare, okay? And you guys are so awesome; every single one of you. **

**So, how about this new chapter, eh? Please note the change in date. **

**Oh, also, I got a Tumblr! The URL is my pen name, so follow me and we can be friends. I mean, we can be friends even if you don't follow me…okay, no more talking. Let's write!**

_June 10, 2012_

It was amazing how easy it was to slip back into the familiar pattern that being friends with Eli provided. There were late night phone conversations about new books, quick errands to run for Cece in my Bug, hang outs with Imogen, Fiona and Adam and the afternoons spent at The Dot talking about nothing and everything at the same time. Oh, and of course music; endlessly music.

The best part was my mother was so caught up in her job and floundering love life that she didn't notice the drastic change I had undergone. She never monitored when I was gone because she was never around much, and when she was home, she never seemed to care about me, anyway.

But I had changed- severely. I was happy; the kind of foolish-smile, toe-curling bliss you only get to experience a few times in your life. And only then if you're really lucky. The last time I had felt so carefree and joyous, as far as I could remember, was the relationship I had with Eli before Fitz showed up the second time.

It seemed Eli possessed the profound ability to make me genuinely happy, and I was loving every minute of it.

"Really, how are we even friends? Your taste in music is horrid," Eli joked for about the billionth time since we had reconnected. We were in a secluded booth at The Dot, and we basically had the place to ourselves. It was pouring outside, so most people were not adventurous enough to even leave their homes. However, this was Eli's favorite weather, and he had insisted that we drive around for a bit so we could enjoy the rain.

When the humidity became too much for me to handle, though, and Eli got sick of my complaining, we had agreed that some coffee would be nice. Ever since we had sat down, Eli was ripping every song that had played on my radio that morning to shreds.

"We like _some_ of the same music…," I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. "Besides, having different tastes doesn't automatically make all other opinions horrible."

Eli sipped his coffee, and I could see that he was desperately trying to hide his smug smirk. He failed miserably. "You have a point…but, then again, if the tastes differ from mine they're usually inferior."

Eli winked at me, trying to play off his cockiness as humor, but I reached across our table and punched him in the shoulder anyway. "You're impossible," I informed him fondly, and he caught my hand as I started to pull away. I felt the blush slowly start to creep up my cheeks when he refused to let me go. Not only was I in a very awkward position, but it was hard to concentrate on anything other than Eli's warm, soft hand enclosed around my own.

"Take that back, Edwards! I am offended."

"And I am uncomfortable," I joked, attempting to pull myself free from his grasp. But that only made Eli tighten his grip and tug me toward him. My entire torso was rested on the table, and Eli was wearing his evil grin. "You're not helping your case, you know."

Eli laughed and, much to my disappointment, released my hand. "Okay, you win this round…," I let a smug smile turn my lips upward as I sat back in the booth, but Eli continued, squashing my sudden victory. "If you can name at least four bands we both like."

"Four…could you have picked a more awkward number?"

"I could make it five, if you please, but I have a feeling you're going to have difficulty as it is," Eli smirked and I huffed.

"Four it is…okay, um, I actually like Dead Hand, you know."

Eli perked up at this. "Since when?" he challenged.

"Since you, actually. They don't scream all the time, and you always played them a lot. They grew on me enough that I actually bought their first album," I explained proudly.

"I have to say, I'm a little impressed, Edwards. But you still have three bands to go."

"Always such a cynic," I stuck my tongue out at his negative attitude, and he just met my aggravation with unwavering arrogance. He was so smug. And so attractive. Damn him. "Erm, well…Motion City Soundtrack; I know you listen to them. I love their music."

"Whoa, if you _love_ Motion City Soundtrack, how come I just spent the last hour and a half in your car being tortured by Taylor Swift?" Eli seemed so genuinely upset by the idea that I had to laugh.

"Maybe I just like watching you squirm." Eli narrowed his eyes at me. "Moving on; let the record show that, so far, we have two bands in common."

"I'm remembering your little stunt, Edwards. I will make you pay."

"Yeah, yeah; I've endured enough screamo because of you to be desensitized. I am a pro at the tune out."

"Vengeance will be mine," Eli assured me, and I knew that he meant it. I tried to hide my shiver of fear because, really, the range of possibilities that Eli considered revenge were endless and a little frightening, but I failed and Eli's smug smile replaced the malevolent gleam in his eyes.

"Alright, alright…band number three…," I paused, mentally flipping through the music I had on my iPod. "Ah-ha! You like Panic! at the Disco, and so do I."

"Okay, I'll give you that one…last band, Edwards, and I will let you relish your victory without saying a word."

I went back to my mental list of music that I listened to, but the silence continued to grow longer as I sat, dumbfounded and at a loss for one last, measly band. It didn't help that Eli seemed to grow smugger by the second. "Um, well…I…what about…"

"And you wanted to try for five," Eli scoffed. "You can't even come up with a fourth."

I glared at him, praying that some answer would just fall in my lap. I mean, Eli's taste in music covered a wide range of the music world thanks to his Dad…

"I've got it!" I shouted suddenly, and Eli jumped a bit at my sudden outburst. "Take Me to the Pilot!"

Eli's face softened immediately, and his smile turned from cocky to sweet and nostalgic. "I forgot about them…"

"Bullfrog was so proud of his discovery, and you and I were so surprised that we both liked the band."

Back when Eli and I had been dating, Eli had once taken me to Bullfrog's studio to watch him do his show for an hour. I had called Eli in desperate need to get away from my parents fighting, and Eli had immediately come up with the perfect diversion. The radio station wasn't impressive in and of itself, it was the way Bullfrog totally commanded the complicated machinery. He was just having the time of his life, and it was easy to tell.

Right before we had to leave the station, Bullfrog had given us seven or so CD's from small, local bands looking to get more exposure. He had asked us to be his Guinea pigs and listen to all of them. When we were done he wanted to know which one we thought was the best. Eli and I had taken Morty to some secluded park and settled in to listen. Eli and I didn't agree on any of the first six bands, but when the last one came on, we were just kind of struck by how well written the lyrics were. Eli thought they were a bit poppy, but he seemed to enjoy them anyway.

All I could think was that a few of the songs paralleled my life so perfectly, and I immediately fell in love. Eli had pulled me onto his lap and we listened to the songs on repeat for the rest of the evening.

I got Goosebumps of pleasure just thinking about how content I had been to spend the evening wrapped in Eli's arms.

Eli seemed to be lost in his own memories when our eyes met. For a second I saw exactly what I was feeling echoed in his gaze. A chill ran up my back and I couldn't look away. "Clare, I…,"

Before he could say whatever was on his mind, though, Adam slipped into the booth next to me, surprising both Eli and me. We jumped at his boisterous laughter. "I was hoping I would find you two weirdoes here!"

I had never been so disappointed to see Adam in my life.

"Hey, Adam," Eli greeted our friend with a smile, but I could see the disappointment lurking in his eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying, and failing, not to sound totally rude.

"I come bearing great news!"

"That being," Eli prompted, immediately skeptical.

"Imogen and I are organizing a bonfire at her house. There will be food, games, great company and more food! You're both in, right?"

"Aw, that is such a couple thing to do," I teased Adam ruffling his hair as Eli sniggered into his coffee cup.

Adam pushed my hand away, but his smile never wavered. "I guess it's a good thing we're a couple then, huh?"

"You never get tired of saying that, do you?" Eli asked fondly.

"Well, it's only been, like, five days, but it's already the longest relationship I've ever had. Not to mention, Imogen is just really fun. I swear, she has all the energy in the world, and she always has an answer to the question 'what do you want to do today?' She's the best."

"She is unique that's for sure," Eli smirked. "But, yeah, I'll definitely be there. I can't really speak for Clare, though."

Both boys looked expectantly at me- Adam with a patient smile, Eli with this crushing hope in his eyes. Like, if I said I couldn't go that night, he would have been disappointed. I was pretty sure my bones turned to jelly. "I wouldn't miss if for the world," I assured both of them, and Eli flashed me a heartbreaking smile before yet another moment passed us by.

XXX

"Mom?" I called into my dark house. After solidifying the plans with Adam, Eli and I decided to call it quits on our 'adventure.' When I got back from dropping him off, though, I had expected to find my mother somewhere around the house. Sunday was her lazy day, so it wasn't likely that she had gone out.

I walked into the kitchen curiously, but my mom was nowhere to be seen. Instead, I found a note addressed to me in my mother's handwriting.

'_Clare_,' it read, '_when you get back from your trip to the library, call me. I'm out with a friend and probably won't be back till much later._'

I slapped my forehead; I had forgotten all about my cover story. In all the excitement about the bonfire I had neglected to actually stop by the library to pick up some props. Whatever, it wasn't like Mom paid that much attention to me, anyway. At least not recently.

I dug my cell phone out of my purse, and held down my mother's speed dial, respecting her request that I call. It didn't take her long to answer. "How much time could you have possibly spent at the library?" was my mother's opening, her voice annoyed. The hairs on my neck prickled at her condescending tone. She wasn't even at home; she didn't get to care how long I had been out!

"I like books a lot," I replied, trying to keep my voice steady. "It's not like you're home to greet me anyway," I couldn't keep all the malice out of my voice.

"Don't use that tone with me, missy."

I took a deep breath, steadying myself. If I angered her now, she wouldn't let me out later. "I'm sorry. So, who are you out with?"

"He's a coworker; we went to see a movie and now he's taking me to dinner."

"Mom," I whispered conspiratorially, "isn't it kind of a bad idea to date a coworker…?"

"I guess I'll find out," her joke did nothing to make me laugh. In fact, it only served to make me more frustrated.

"Okay, if you say so."

"Clare, I don't need you to make condescending comments. Do I need to remind you who is the mother and who is the child in this scenario?" At that point I was almost positive my mother was drunk. I looked at the clock…it was only 5 in the evening, and my mother was tipsy. If she didn't want to me be so damn condescending maybe she should try acting like an adult.

I didn't let the words pass my lips, though they were poised at the tip of my tongue. Arguing with her, as I had discovered over the past week or so, was pointless; it was better if I just sucked up my petulant feelings. It was too bad Eli couldn't be around 24/7…I was happiest with him around, and the most pissy with my mom breathing down my neck.

"No, ma'am, you don't. I hope you have fun on your date." At that point I was hoping that she would be out late enough for me to go to the bonfire without her being the wiser. The less conversation I had to endure, the better.

"I intend to; what are your plans for the evening Clare?"

I groaned. I could already hear her request that I get lost for a good portion of the night. "Adam's hosting a bonfire," I admitted begrudgingly. "Do you mind if I go?"

"Who's going to be there?" My mom asked, suddenly cautious. Maybe she had been paying more attention than I gave her credit for.

"I assume a lot of Drew's friends," I lied; Drew wouldn't even be there. "I'm just going to keep Adam from going insane."

"Okay; enjoy yourself. Oh, and Clare, try not to come home before midnight."

I curled my lip in disgust and growled, "I'll do my best," before snapping the phone shut. I felt like it was just a few weeks ago that Mom and I were getting along just fine, but now, whenever I talked to her, I wanted to pull my hair out. She was so impossible, and I felt like she was neglecting me to have fun every night. So much for those Christian values she had raised me with; it was like she didn't even care about our faith anymore. She hadn't even paid attention to the sermon in church earlier that morning.

I sighed, considerably less excited for the nights festivities. But I wouldn't back out…I would need the distraction.

To pass the time I grabbed my copy of Vanishing Acts by Jodi Picult from my room and settled in on the couch for the next few hours. Eli had told me he would pick me up in Cece's car around seven thirty, so I had a lot of time, and not much to do to fill it. The book was captivating, though, and before I knew it there was a honk from outside.

I quickly threw the book on the coffee table and ran over to the mirror in the front hall…I still looked presentable; good. I grabbed my purse and raced out the door before sliding into the passenger seat of Cece's tiny car. Eli smiled at me, "Long time, no see, huh?"

"I know; it's been…a whole two hours, hasn't it?"

"Far too long," Eli joked, pulling away from my curb. "So what have you been up in the eons since we've talked?"

I rolled my eyes as I buckled my seatbelt. "Well, I argued with my mom a bit and then spent the afternoon reading."

"Sounds pretty typical for you."

"No kidding," I groaned in distaste.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Eli offered kindly.

"Not really…," I paused before my mouth started to spew words. Eli's support was just so appealing; I just wanted to complain for a minute, as counterproductive as it was. "It's just, I feel like she's with a new guy every night, and she just doesn't have time for me anymore."

"I hate to sound cliché, but have you tried talking to her about how you feel?"

"That's the problem…she doesn't listen to me. She was a little intoxicated earlier when I tried to talk, and she accused me of being condescending. It's hard not to, though, when I feel like the adult. I just want to stop her from making these destructive decisions, but I can't." 

"Sounds like Helen needs a sex intervention," Eli snarked and I almost choked.

"Could you not talk about my mom like that? I try to avoid those mental images at all costs, thank you."

"Sorry; I was just trying to lighten the mood. But, in all seriousness, you need to let her know how you feel one way or another. Communication has the ability to solve any problem. Your mom might not even realize what she is doing has this direct effect on you…so it might also help if you look at the situation in your mom's shoes."

I sighed, knowing that Eli was right. My mom was still handling the divorce, and not well, I might have added. "When did you get so smart?"

"Where have you been, Edwards? I've always been brilliant."

"And cocky," I stuck my tongue out at him.

"It's all part of my charm," Eli smirked as he parked the car on Imogen's curb.

Eli started to get out, but I placed my hand on his arm and he turned to face me with a look of curiosity. "Thank you; for listening and for being so brilliantly cocky."

Eli's smirk turned into a soft, genuine smile. "Anytime, Clare; you know that." Our eyes met and locked…and it was like our moment in The Dot all over again.

"Welcome, welcome, welcome," Imogen sang loudly, running at full speed toward the car. Eli and I pulled away from each other immediately and got out of the car. "Adam, we have our first victims!"

Adam came around the house at a considerably lower velocity. "Imo, you're going to scare them off before they even step foot on your lawn."

"I don't have guests much," Imogen shrugged, explaining to me. "Adam is giving me a crash course in socially acceptable behavior when you're a host." Imogen smiled brilliantly at me and I couldn't help but want to return it.

"Not that I don't adore your socially unacceptable ways," Adam slung his arm around Imogen's shoulders and she snuggled closer to him.

"And so it starts," Eli chimed, pretending to gag himself. "Payback really is a bitch."

"What does he mean," Imogen asked the three of us, open to any answer we would give her.

Adam was the one to respond, "Clare and Eli here used to make me feel like a third wheel _all_ the time. You should have seen them; they could have gotten an Olympic gold medal in flirting. And, now that I have you around, we can make them feel as awkward as we want, as often as we want. They totally deserve it."

"Oh, goody; I love making people awkward!" Imogen exclaimed before grabbing either side of Adam's face and planting a big, sloppy kiss right on his lips. Eli and I both shifted uncomfortably when the couple didn't break apart for a few, long moments. Adam blushed deeply when Imogen pulled away, and I could see that both their breathing was uneven.

"What did I miss?" Fiona called out suddenly, walking onto Imogen's lawn with a flourish of her hands.

"Nothing good," Eli groaned. "Just some torture."

I lightly punched him in the shoulder as Adam and Imogen laughed. Fiona looked at all four of us before shaking her head. "I guess I really don't want to know. Anyway, Imogen dearest, must we really hold this bonfire out of doors?"

"Where else would you host a bonfire?" Imogen inquired innocently.

"Never mind…I just loathe bugs. Please note that I must really love you people. There is no way I would sit in front of a fire for hours while I am eaten alive by mosquitoes for just anyone."

"It's a hard knock life," Eli lamented in mock sorrow.

"Can it, Goldsworthy, or I'll spray you with sugar water; see how you like the bug bites."

"Noted," Eli held his hands up in surrender. With that, we all moved to Imogen's backyard where five bean bag chairs were set in a semi-circle around a fire pit. The bonfire went off without a hitch, and, over the course of the night, I found I really enjoyed Fiona's running commentary. I especially enjoyed the way she seemed to be the only person alive that could make Eli swallow his pride.

I was also starting to grow accustomed to Imogen's strange views of the world. She was unexpectedly naive, but she was also delightfully intelligent. As promised, she and Adam spent the entire night with their flirt mode set on high. The fifth beanbag went unused because Imogen opted for Adam's lap instead.

We roasted marshmallows, talked, shared stories and when the conversation started to lull, Adam whipped out Apples to Apples and the fun picked right back up.

I didn't pay attention to the time, but the fire started to dwindle around our eighth round of the game. I started to shiver, suddenly violently cold. The tank top I had on was cute, but it was flimsy, and I was starting to regret my choice of attire.

I tried to ignore the cold, but my shivering got worse as the night went on. But everyone was so invested in the game that it easily went without notice.

Suddenly, Eli hopped up. "I'll be right back, guys."

We all stared after him in question as he made his way in the direction of the house hastily without explanation. "Sometimes that kid is really weird…and that's coming from me," Imogen chuckled, shaking her head as she drew another red card from the pile.

"He certainly has his moments," Fiona waggled her eyebrows at me and I smiled warmly at her. "I bet you have more stories than any of us, huh, Clare?"

"Not really," I admitted. "I think that if anyone here has seen the most Eli weirdness, it's Adam."

"Really? I leave for five seconds and you guys decided to pass the time by talking about how weird I am," Eli snorted as he lowered himself back onto the beanbag next to me. Without warning, he tossed some black cloth in my direction, and I raised my eyebrow at him as it landed in my lap. "Come on, Clare. You really thought I didn't notice all that shivering you were doing over there? I brought the jacket just in case for this very purpose." He seemed proud of the fact that he was so well prepared, but I was too struck by the sweet gesture to try my hand at deflating his arrogance.

I unfolded the coat and quickly shoved my arms into the sleeves. They were far too long, but I could immediately smell Eli everywhere. I inhaled deeply before smiling gratefully at him. "Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah; you appreciate it, I know," Eli winked at me and I blushed, looking down to fiddle with the big brass buttons on the cuffs.

Everyone had turned their attention back to the game, letting Eli and I have our moment. I slid my chair in closer, deciding to watch instead of play, and Eli unconsciously shifted toward me. Our legs were almost touching, and I wanted badly to close the distance.

Eventually, the energy depleted, and I fell asleep listening to Adam read comic books out loud as Eli made sound effects. Fiona complained about how lame we were, but she didn't really sound upset, and Imogen also dozed off in Adam's lap.

The next thing I knew, though, Eli was shaking me awake, and I looked up to find myself in front of my house. "Crap, what time is it?" I croaked, my voice heavy with sleep. I felt extremely disoriented, and I wondered briefly how long I had been out.

"Somewhere around 12:30; why?" Eli yawned as I tried to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

"Oh, I wasn't supposed to come home before twelve. This is good though…thanks for driving me home. And for letting me borrow the jacket," I pulled the cloth tightly around me.

"Your mom gave you a time you had to stay out till?' Eli laughed. "Isn't it traditionally the other way around?"

"You know me. I like to be rebellious and shit." I yawned loudly, my eyelids drooping.

"You know, you really don't make an ounce of sense when you're tired."

"Yeah, well, you're…," I pointed at him, but my brain refused to cooperate with me. It was time to go to bed.

"Good one," Eli rolled his eyes at me. "Are you going to make it up the stairs, or do I have to carry you there, too?"

"No, no- I'll fly," I assured him tiredly, dragging myself off the passenger seat.

"Riiight, I forgot you possessed the ability to defy physics," Eli eyed me strangely. "I'll call you tomorrow, okay, Clare? Get some sleep…try not to pull any muscles on your fly to bed."

I gave him a thumbs up before turning on my heel and walking into my house. It was quiet and dark so I was pretty sure I was safe. It didn't sound like my mom still had company.

When I got to my room, I collapsed on my bed, pausing only to remove my shoes and jeans. I slipped on sweats and curled up, not bothering to remove Eli's jacket. I fell asleep to the comforting scent of happiness and friendship.

XXX

_June 11, 2012_

It was two in the afternoon when I made my way to Little Miss Steaks.

Earlier, I had called Eli to apologize for my erratic and sleep induced behavior, and to ask him if I should stop over with his jacket. He assured me that he wouldn't miss it anytime soon, and that I should keep it until I saw him next. He had been on his way out the door to go hang out with Bullfrog at the studio, though, so we didn't get to talk long.

After about an hour of sitting around the house with nothing to do while my mom was at work, I called Alli. She was thrilled to hear from me, and demanded that we go out for lunch.

We set a time to meet at Little Miss Steaks, and then I spent the rest of my morning looking at colleges.

"So you haven't fallen off the face of the Earth," Alli joked, giving me a tight hug before we followed the hostess to our table.

"I suppose I haven't," I smiled at her as we sat down and accepted the menus. "So, how is everything with Dave?"

"Amazing," Alli squealed, instantly starting to gush. She described, with far too much detail, her special day with Dave that I had covered from her parents. They had gone on a date the night before, too, and she continued to talk about that up until our food was ordered. "So, tell me about you," Alli demanded.

"What is it that you want to know," I stalled.

"Come one, Clare, I know you've been spending all your free time with Eli," she gave me a stern look, and our food arrived just in time, as if on cue.

But, as soon as our server was gone Alli gave me another pointed look. "Fine…things with Eli are really, really great. He just understands me, Alli. I know it's a weird thing to say, but I'm always happiest when I am around him, and it feels so great that we can finally just casually hang out. Eli's in a good place, and I love who I am when I am around him. He still makes me feel like I'm on top of the world…I mean; we were friends before we dated. It's like going back to that time, but, like, a thousand times better."

"So, basically," Alli raised her eyebrows at me, "you're still in love with him."

I choked on my water, narrowly avoiding a spit take. "Alli!"

"Well, that's what it sounds like to me," she defended herself.

"We're friends," I insisted.

"But do you or don't you still have feelings for him?" Alli pressed.

I paused, wondering what the best way to answer the question was. I decided to go with the truth. Alli would tell me what she thought without editing to spare my feelings…and maybe I needed to hear what she had to say. "Okay…there are old…feelings lingering, I guess. But we just need to stay friends. I certainly can't handle jumping into anything at the moment. We're just…we work better as friends. And maybe we always did."

"You want to know what I think?" Alli asked, a knowing smile playing at the edge of her lips.

"Yes, I really do."

"Don't hold yourself back, Clare. Adam was talking to me about the whole thing. I know we were kind of unsupportive at first, but you two have matured. If you want to go back to coupledom, Adam and I give you our blessing. If you really feel that way about him still; if he still makes you happier than anyone else, I wouldn't let that pass you by. I almost did with Dave, and I would have regretted it had I not taken the chance on him. What you and Eli have is special, and I didn't realize it before. But you two are both in a better place now. If you want something more than friendship with Eli, why limit yourself?"

My jaw went slack with surprise. Did Alli, Alli!, just encourage me to date Eli again if I wanted to? "Wow…"

"I know, right?" Alli joked, knowing full well why I was so dumbfounded. "Look Clare, I love you, and I want you to have every chance at happiness you can get."

"Alli, I am really lucky to have you…I love you, too."

"I know," she winked at me before tossing her hair behind her shoulder. "Now dig in; I'm paying." I laughed at her quick subject change and indulged in the company of my best friend.

XXX

To say that I was finally feeling better after my spat with my mom the night before was an understatement. The combination of all my friends, old and new, was enough to lift me completely out of the dumps.

That was, until I arrived back at the house.

"Clare Diana Edwards, you have some serious explaining to do," I was shocked to find my mother in the middle of our living room when she should have been at work, seething, Eli's jacket in her hands.

There was no way she could know who that belonged to, could she? But the look in her eye pretty much told me that she knew exactly who it belonged to…and she was not happy about it.

Shit.

In hindsight, I really should have seen that coming…


	6. Her Words Destroyed My Planet

**I love my readers, I really do. And I know you have been enjoying this happy-go-lucky EClare, but we all know there is no EClare without drama. There is also no real story without conflict; just saying. So, don't hate me for this chapter. **

**Own Degrassi, I do not. Like Yoda, I enjoy speaking. Write chapter, I must. **

_June 11, 2012_

I suddenly felt six years old again, and I had just broken the vase my great-grandmother had given my grandma, who in turn passed it down to my mom.

Darcy had always been the troublemaker. She was a curious child, and that tended to result in broken valuables, several runaways and meltdowns and, of course, the awful reprimands that turned into temper tantrums. Eventually, Darcy getting in trouble lost its effect and my parents would only give her a resigned, but stern, talking to when she did something wrong.

I, on the other hand, was the good kid. People told me what the rules were, what they expected of me, and I obeyed them; no questions asked and no exceptions. Of course, that meant that when I _did_ get in trouble, like with the vase, it was always a big deal…and my punishment had never been pretty. Instead of the loud yells and tornado of emotions that Darcy got, I had to endure the 'we're so disappointed in you' speech several times over. And I had always felt their disappointment right down to my bones. I didn't handle disappointment well- I did everything I could to earn adult's respect. I was Saint Clare, and, though I had changed, I would always feel that meek little girl inside me curl in terror at the thought of disobedience.

So seeing my mother before me, the crazed look of disappointment and anger in her eyes, immediately made me shift uncomfortably.

"Well, young lady, I'm waiting for your brilliant explanation! I've seen this jacket before; I know it belongs to Eli."

I was about to answer when I thought popped into my head that suddenly made me suspicious. "Wait, what were you even doing in my room?" I accused.

"Don't act like I'm on trial here, Clare. Have you been lying to me about who you're with?" What upset me the most was that she was totally justified in being angry with me. I didn't have the ethical high ground…She continued when I didn't answer after a few moments. "And if you must know, I called home to see if you'd want to go out to lunch, and when you didn't answer the phone, I thought you had gone back to sleep. Instead of asleep, however, I came home to find you missing! I looked in your room and saw the jacket draped over your bed; it had just dawned on me why it looked so familiar when I heard you at the door. Were you just with him…explain, missy!"

"Alli and I were catching up," I deflected, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to avoid the subject for much longer.

"Have you been seeing Eli?" my mom repeated, relentless.

I figured I was already trapped; lying would only make things worse. "I've been in contact with Eli for about three weeks now, yes. The only reason I didn't tell you was because I knew you would be upset for no reason. I mean, I was going to say something eventually, but it never felt like the right time. I know I screwed up keeping this from you, but Eli isn't this evil kid you think he is; he never was."

"Are we talking about the same Eli?" my mom asked sarcastically. "The gothic atheist you skipped school with; the one who crashed his hearse for you…or who drove a hearse in the first place?"

"That's not really fair," I pointed out, on the verge of yelling. "He's bipolar, Mom. He wasn't in his right mind when he crashed the hearse, and, if you remember correctly, I made Eli sound a lot worse than he is on purpose. I was messed up because of yours and Dad's divorce."

"Don't try to make this my fault, Clare! You have been lying to me so you can hang out with a boy who I explicitly dislike. You are not permitted to see Eli anymore, is that clear?"

Hot anger flashed up my spine, and the thought of not seeing Eli anymore, especially since things had been going so well, brought frustrated tears to my eyes. "Why, though; because you don't like him? You don't even know him…not really."

"I know enough to be sure that he has never been a good influence on you; he clearly makes you defiant and reckless. I just don't want you around him," there was a note of finality in my mother's voice, but I refused to give up that easily.

"Mom, Eli had nothing to do with my behavior back then- it had everything to do with how I was not handling the fighting and the divorce well. Even now…it wasn't like Eli told me not to tell you that we were talking; I made that decision on my own. And, yes, it was stupid, but you can't stop me from seeing whomever I want! I am almost 18; I'm not a little kid anymore."

"I'm not saying you are, but you _do_ live under my roof. Therefore you will abide by my rules," my mother huffed, exhaling in frustration.

I rolled my eyes at the frail line of 'mom reasoning.' "I see no reason to stop seeing Eli, and you're certainly not putting up any convincing arguments," I retorted.

"Watch it; show me some respect if you don't want to end up grounded, too. I told you why I don't want you to see him; he's a bad influence."

"You're not listening to me, though," I screeched, "because Eli _isn't _a bad influence. Haven't you heard a word I've said? I am the so-called bad influence. And I don't think you can stop me from seeing myself."

"Okay, fine," my mother threw up her hands, and for a moment I thought she was going to give up her ridiculous side of the argument. My hope was squashed almost instantly. "Let's say that Eli isn't a bad influence on you…have you considered that you might be on him. Perhaps it's in his best interest to stay away from you."

My stomach hit the floor at her cruel words. "Wh-what do you mean?" I stammered, though I wasn't sure I wanted clarification.

"You said Eli's bipolar…I assume that means he is under the care of a doctor then, yes?"

I had no idea where she was going, but the doors were locked, and I couldn't abandon the ride even if I wanted to. "Eli sees a therapist…what does this have to do with us hanging out?"

"I just mean to point out that the last time you two maintained some kind of relationship it pushed Eli over the edge. How does his therapist feel about you seeing each other now?" she asked, unrelenting. The twisting feeling in my stomach only got worse as she went on.

"I…I don't know," I answered honestly. I didn't even know if Eli's therapist knew we were on speaking terms again.

"I see," my mom's voice was uncaring. It was like she had detached herself from her heart; not caring what she did or said as long as it stopped me from seeing Eli. "Well, did you ever think you bring out the worst in him, Clare? I don't think you're good for him. I don't think he's good for you, either; you're bad for each other."

Her words hit me like a freight train, heavy and with plenty of acceleration, causing the impact to be as painful as possible. I suddenly wanted to be far away from my mother; I couldn't be around her. That had been a low blow, no doubt what she had intended, and it was horribly accurate. I was bad for Eli…and that had been what Adam had tried to tell me before I foolishly ignored him.

I grabbed my purse and pulled out my car keys. With no explanation, I ran back out the door and right toward my bug. Without stopping to think about where I was going I shoved the keys in the ignition, jerked the engine on violently and peeled away from my curb. I knew that driving and crying weren't the best combination, but I couldn't stop anywhere…I needed to move and I needed a place that wasn't so familiar. There were all kinds of reminders on these streets, of my mom _and _of Eli. I needed a momentary escape.

I took the first highway I saw and just kept my foot pressed against the gas pedal. There were tears sliding down my face, but I didn't bother to wipe them off. Though I watched the road, I was only vaguely aware of my surroundings; mostly my mind was numb, a tangled mess of thoughts. I couldn't seem to compose full sentences or coherent thoughts in my head…there was just a grim replay of my mother's awfully accurate words.

'_You bring out the worst in him_.'

'_It's in his best interest to stay away from you_.'

'_You're not good for each other._'

I didn't want to dwell on her words, though, so I pushed the accelerator down further, trying to put the words behind me like the road under my tires. After about an hour of driving I took the first exit I saw. I was feeling a little trapped in the bug, and I had to get out and move around. I suddenly found myself in a quaint little downtown area; the signs around me announced that I was in Oakland, Ontario…I had seen the town on maps before but had never actually visited. I wasn't too far from home, but there would be nobody I knew and no random reminders. I could free myself from my world for a few hours.

I parked Darcy in a convenient store parking lot on the outskirts of the bustle of the average-sized city. I let myself blend into the light flow of pedestrian traffic, taking cursory glances at the store windows around me. It felt weird to know that I was just another nameless stranger in a crowd. Nobody here knew who I was, or what Eli and I had gone through to get to where we were…so nobody here would tell me I was going about it all wrong. Nobody would judge me, or tell me what was best for me.

But…what _was_ best for me?

I sighed and slipped into the next store without thought. I was confronted by racks upon racks of clothes…a thrift store. I giggled at the fleeting thought that Imogen would have loved this place and then I dove into some retail therapy. I had never been one to shop for comfort, but as I came across wacky articles of clothing, each one stranger than the next, I started to make up stories about their previous owner. It was calming, in a way. Once I had gone through two whole racks there was no longer any trace of tears on my cheeks, and I hadn't thought about my mother or Eli in an hour.

But my little game had gotten old and my creativity dwindled. I waved at the cashier as I left and he glared at me in return, seemingly angry that I had spent so much time in the store without buying a single item.

Back on the street I melded myself into the crowd once more. I didn't know what I was searching for, exactly, but this time I moved with more purpose. Finally, a small Starbucks came into view, and I realized I just really needed a pick-up in the form of caffeine. The line was short, so soon I had some delicious iced coffee and was at a table in the corner. I pulled out the book I always kept in my purse and went to town; sipping and reading.

Unfortunately, the book I was in the middle of was some cutesy, teenage romance. With every page I turned my frustration grew, and Eli popped into my thoughts with more frequency. As much as I consciously wanted to avoid the subject, my subconscious was hell-bent on making me remember.

The first fact I had to face was that being around Eli again had brought up old feelings…and not just the ones of friendship. It was like Eli had this invisible pull on me, and I couldn't escape it. If we continued down the path that we were heading…

I didn't want to think about it because I wanted those forbidden thoughts to come to fruition with such force that I shivered just thinking about it. I wanted to call Eli in the middle of the night just to talk about the book I had stayed up reading. I wanted Eli to hold me in his arms and kiss down the side of my neck the way he always used to. I wanted to go on dates with him, not caring about anything in the world because he was all that mattered.

I wanted Eli and me to be in love again.

But that hadn't worked out the first time so well.

This brought me to the second fact that I didn't want, but really had to, face: the possibility that my mother, though harsh in her delivery, was right.

Was it possible that I brought out the crazy in Eli…or, more accurately, the strong feelings that made him lose control? Among other things, he crashed his hearse into a wall and tried out some pyrotechnics in front of a live audience. I had always tacked the actions up to mental instability, but was I inspiring the bipolar? Did I make it worse?

Was that even possible?

I sighed as I took a long sip of my coffee. Possible or not, there did seem to be a pattern, and I would not be responsible for screwing with Eli's progress. I still cared about him, and if the best thing for him was letting go, I would do that. I would have to do that.

Another tear slid down my face and landed on the page of my open book. Even the thought of cutting Eli off again was hurtful, but I was strong. He was strong. We hadn't even been seeing each other for too long, so the ties were barely binding, right? That should make it easier.

But it didn't, not at all. Letting Eli go would never be easy.

XXX

I had walked around Oakland for another hour or so in attempt to calm myself before heading home. I had turned my phone off as soon as I had reached town, but decided I couldn't ignore reality forever once I was back in my Bug and on the road. I had 17 missed calls from my mom, and 15 voicemails inquiring about my whereabouts. I also had one text from Alli thanking me for lunch, and one call and a few texts from Eli. Just seeing that he had tried to contact me had me crying all over again, and I knew I wouldn't be able to break things off that night. I couldn't let Eli sense my indecision because he would certainly not take no for an answer. I had to be strong. I was doing this for him.

Instead of calling my mother back to hear her yell at me until I was home and then yell some more in person, I sent her a quick text telling her I was alright and that I would be home in the next thirty minutes.

True to form, my mom was at the kitchen table waiting for me when I got back. "Where the hell did you go, Clare Diana Edwards? I was worried sick, and you never even bothered to call. I couldn't go back into work because I was waiting for you to show up!"

"I had some thinking to do," I replied evenly, hoping my calm attitude would rub off on her.

"Well," my mother prompted, still furious.

"I went to Oakland, walked around a bit, and I thought about what you said…tomorrow I'll go return Eli's jacket and tell him it's best if we go back to our separation."

My mother smiled, obviously happier that I had run away since it had turned the tables in her favor. "I'm proud of you sweetie; you really don't need that kind of baggage in your life."

I bit back the snarl and angry words that threatened to escape from my mouth. I knew my mom just wanted what was best for me…she was just going about it in the wrong way. Eli wasn't baggage in my life- it was the other way around. She had pointed that out earlier. And maybe our reasons were different for wanting Eli and I away from each other, but it was clearly the right thing to do. It would save Eli's mental stability, and clearly my mother would never be happy with me until I cut the ties.

"I'm going to bed, okay? I'll see you in the morning."

"Clare, sweetie, have a good night…I love you," my mom called after me as I made my way up the steps.

"Uh, huh; you sure have a funny way of showing it," I muttered, shutting my bedroom door behind me before breaking down once more.

XXX

_June 12, 2012_

It was unusually chilly for a summer afternoon as I made my way over to Eli's, his jacket clutched tightly in my hand. I hadn't slept at all the night before, fluxing between silent tears and tossing and turning in my bed. But I had made up my mind…I had to do this if only for Eli's sake. He would be better off without me.

Had I not been so stubborn, or desperate to keep Mom on my good side, I would have realized how illogical my reasoning was, but the problem with hindsight is it never changes the past.

As I rounded the corner, Eli's house came into view and I paused for a moment, terrified of what I was about to do for very selfish reasons. I was happy for the moment, but that had a lot to do with Eli. I wondered what my summer would turn into without him there to keep me entertained.

But, on the other hand, my mother would probably make my life a living hell if I continued to rebuild my relationship with Eli. And Eli would continue to stay healthy if I were gone.

Still…Eli and I had a long history together. Was I willing to throw it all away?

No, I was already decided on this. No second guessing or hesitations. I squared my shoulders, walked up to Eli's door, took a deep breath and then knocked. After a few beats, Cece answered the door with a bright smile on her face. She immediately pulled me in for a hug. "Clare! How's my favorite girl? Oh, don't tell Fiona or Imogen I said that," she giggled, covering her mouth in shame. "I was just baking some cookies to take to Bullfrog at the station. The first batch is just out of the oven; would you like one?"

I tried to hold back a sob as Cece so kindly greeted me. After a hard swallow, I cleared my throat and then spoke. "I actually need to talk to Eli…is her home?"

"Yup, he's just in his room…you can go right up," Cece smiled, gesturing toward the stairs. I nodded, tentatively making my way up to the second floor. I reached the door, smiling sadly at the padlock and skull with crossbones that still adorned it, and knocked lightly.

"I'll be down in a minute, Cece; I have to finish this chapter."

I sighed, feeling bad for interrupting Eli when he was clearly writing, but this really couldn't wait. "It's not Cece," I informed him quietly.

"Oh, crap, Clare! Don't come in…I'm, um, I'm not decent," Eli stuttered, and I heard a drawer slam shut by the end of his sentence. Seconds later, Eli opened the door in a t-shirt and some pajama pants that hung loosely on his hips. "Hey, Clare," he smiled sweetly at me, so damn happy to see me. Then he pulled me in for a crushing hug, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Someone's happy today," I noted glumly, knowing that I was about to make his good mood a bad one.

"Yeah," Eli released me, smiling brightly still. "I hit a real great streak. The words have been flowing effortlessly since, like, three in the morning. I haven't had much sleep, but man am I feeling good. It's been a while since I've been so inspired," Eli rambled excitedly.

"Oh, well, I'm sorry I interrupted," I apologized dully.

"No, no, it's fine…so I tried to get a hold of you yesterday night, but you were busy I guess. I'm glad to see you, actually; I was going to call and see if you'd be up for delivering Cece's cookies to my dad with me. I guess you couldn't wait to see me, though," Eli joked, gesturing to his jacket still clutched tightly in my hands. "I'm surprised at you, Edwards, using such a paper-thin excuse as returning my jacket to see me."

He was just so buoyant and happy…I couldn't look him in the eye. The longer he talked on, the less I wanted to say what I had come to say. His genuine joy to see me only served to make me feel guilty.

I cleared my throat, though, soldiering on. "Look, Eli, I came here to talk to you," I shoved his jacket at him, and I could feel his eyes searching my face for clues about my abrupt shift in mood.

"Okaaayyy," he drew out the word in confusion. "Come on in; we'll talk." He leaned on his door jamb, and made a flourish indicating that I should enter his room. I noted the open laptop on his desk, a word document in progress, open and filled with text. I decided to take up inhabitance on his bed, and Eli followed me into the room, lightly shutting the door before sliding onto his desk chair. He threw his jacket on his dresser and then turned to me. "What are we talking about?" he asked, suddenly wary, picking up on my mood.

"Us," I stated quietly, afraid to go any further.

"You're going to need to be more specific than that," Eli crossed his arms, his voice dripping sarcasm.

"I think…well, this isn't working out. We can't be friends anymore, Eli."

The room became silent for a painful amount of time. When Eli hadn't spoken for a good five minutes I finally looked up to see what his expression was. The look on his face was an odd mix of shock, incredulity, anger, confusion and sadness.

"Say something," I finally plead.

"I don't know what you want me to say," Eli's voice shook slightly. "Do I even get an explanation as to why, or are you just going to leave it at 'we can't be friends anymore'?"

I sighed, unsure what reason to tell him, exactly. So I decided to make up careful half-truths to protect him from the actual, horrible reasons. "We both knew this wasn't going to work for very long. You're going to go off to college and I'll stay here at Degrassi. It's been fun while it's lasted, but we're holding each other back. We had a great thing in the past, but we should leave it there and move on with our lives."

"Wait, what?" Eli stuttered out before I saw a flash of fear in his eyes. "You're serious about this, aren't you?" When I nodded, Eli shook his head in denial. "Clare, if this is about…the direction our relationship is headed, we can stop seeing each other as often. The last thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable. But don't; just don't cut yourself out of my life completely. Not again…we'll...we'll just cool our jets a bit. You're overreacting."

The tears had welled up behind my eyes, but I blinked them back. The last thing I wanted Eli to see was me cry over my decision. "Look Eli," I finally managed, "I'm not good for you, okay? In any capacity; so let's just stop this now before we're in too deep."

"Clare, that doesn't make any sense," he protested in desperation. "We can work something out; you don't need to leave."

"Yes," my voice rang out with finality, "I do."

I looked Eli square in the eye and he searched my face for any sign of indecision. I hoped that I had composed myself enough that he wouldn't find any. "This is really what you want?" he checked miserably.

"Yes."

His shoulders visibly slackened, defeated. "Fine, then, I can't stop you. I won't force my company upon you if you don't want it."

"Thank you, Eli," I choked out. I needed to get out of his room before I broke down in tears. And I could feel that they were close.

"Whatever, Clare; have a nice life, or whatever," he whispered bitterly.

I took his tone as a dismissal, and I fled from the room, running down the stairs. I heard Cece's voice calling after me even before I had slammed the door shut, but I didn't stop. The pain I was feeling was worse than anything I had ever experienced and I was hoping that by physically running away, I could rid myself of the horrible emotions washing over my skin.

But I just couldn't get the picture of Eli's terrified face out of my head; terrified of losing me. Again. And I ran away. Again.

I barely made it around the corner before the tears and the sobs escalated their way out of my throat, and I collapsed on the sidewalk in disappointment and grief.

At least I would never have to hurt Eli again. He would be happier without me, even if I would never be as happy without him.


	7. Superboy and The Invisible Girl

**Happy Holiday Season, readers! You guys are the best. I cannot profess to claim Degrassi as my own…time for EClare!**

_June 25, 2012_

It's really amazing how a world can be turned upside down in a day- one moment you're happy and carefree, the next you're alone and neglected. Nothing to it; I did it to myself, after all. It was for the best, right?

So why was I spending all day, every day in bed?

Why was I silently crying myself to sleep every night? Why wasn't I returning Alli or Adam's calls?

Whatever the reason, I had barely spoken to anyone but my mother for two weeks. Both Alli and Adam stopped by my house a few times, but I made up some half-lie about not feeling well. Of course, I really _wasn't_ feeling well, or even a little bit like myself, but I had made it sound like I had some crippling, contagious illness. Eventually, Adam and Alli both stopped buying it, but, though neither of them stopped calling, they seemed to know not to push me too far by forcing their company on me.

I was a horrible person, right? So why did I deserve friends? I would only hurt them. I had hurt Eli…and now he was better off; they were all better off.

Still, it broke my heart to be without them and to watch them try so hard to pull me out of my gloom.

Even Imogen, who clearly was not my closest friend, stopped by my house, pushing past me when I had told her how sick I felt.

"What, did Adam put you up to this?" I had asked, angry.

"Nobody _put me up_ to anything," Imogen sighed, her hawk-like eyes taking in everything with a single swoop. She seemed to take special note of my drawn face, my reserved expression, the unkempt hair, and the wrinkled pajamas. She wrinkled her nose. "I'm just worried about you, Clare."

"You don't know me, Imogen; not really," I had pointed out bitterly.

"I know enough, Clare Edwards, and I know Eli. Why run away from love, Clare? It's not fair to you or Eli! And I really don't like to see my friends hurting."

Imogen jutted her lip out in a pout, but her eyes seared into my own; she seemed angry. "I'm not running from love, Imogen. And Eli is better off without me. He'll be fine."

"Everybody says you're smart, Clare Edwards, but you're acting like a total idiot! You make Eli happy, he makes you happy. I don't see how anyone could be better off without happiness." Imogen's eyes traveled up and down my body very pointedly. "And don't you dare try to tell me that you're happier. I am very familiar with complex human emotions, and you're further from happiness than anyone I've ever seen."

I rolled my eyes at her absurdities. "I don't like being insulted in my own house," I growled before showing Imogen the door. She didn't put up a fight, but she did pause before she was all the way out of my house.

"You'll come to your senses…I may not know you well, but I know enough. You won't avoid Eli forever."

I didn't even bother to answer before slamming the door behind her.

Since Imogen had visited the week and a half ago, the only person in our house was my mother and me…that was, if I ignored the parade of guys that passed through my mother's bedroom. There really was a new guy every single night, and the only time my own mom even bothered to talk to me was to ask me to leave for the night.

See, in her mind, my life was back on track again. There was no need to talk to me to see how I was doing because she thought everything was perfect; Eli crisis averted.

Of course, it wasn't like I gave her much cause to think otherwise. Every time she subtly hinted that I should make plans for the night I graciously made up a lie about spending the night with Alli or visiting Adam. In reality, I wasn't talking to either of them, so I usually wondered the city streets for a few hours- reading in Chapters, hanging out in The Dot or walking slowly through the park. That was pretty much the only time I spent out of the house since the visit I had paid Eli.

Then, around 12:30 or one o'clock in the morning, I had to sneak back into my own house.

My life followed that dismal pattern for long enough that I had almost forgotten what it was like before; I had stopped expecting anything different.

So, I was a little surprised when Mom woke me up before she left for work to ask a favor that didn't involve me getting lost.

"Clare-bear," I heard her voice penetrate my zombie-like, coma-sleep. It felt like a forty pound weight was positioned right over my head, but I still managed to lift it the few inches that would indicate I was listening. "I have to leave for work soon, but we're out of a lot of groceries. I haven't had time to go shopping, but I made you a list and left you some coupons on the table. I would appreciate it if you went and picked up everything for us. I love you, dear. See you tonight!"

Typically, she didn't even bother to stay and listen to my answer before she fluttered out of my room, completely oblivious. As soon as the front door slammed shut I let my head fall back onto my pillow; the effort it had taken to hold it up was enough to exhaust me. I fell back asleep for a few hours.

It was noon when I finally dragged my butt out of bed; reluctantly, I might add. With my eyes barely open I stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen where, indeed, there were a few coupons paper clipped to a piece of notebook paper. Bread, eggs, milk…standard stuff; the sooner I got it over with the sooner I could come back home and do nothing.

Yay.

After deciding that I was not hungry, I trudged back up the stairs to brush my teeth and pull on a dress. After realizing that I hadn't shaved my legs in far too long, I also added a pair of leggings and I was out the door, list in hand.

Whole Foods, the store my mother bought most of our groceries, was only a short five or six blocks from my house. It was a cloudy day, and a little breeze continued to catch my hair every few minutes and whip it around my face…the weather seemed to match my mood- gloomy and in disarray.

Grocery shopping was not a favorite activity of mine, but it wasn't like it required a whole lot of thought and concentration. I dutifully walked up and down the aisles as I slowly crossed off the items on my mother's long list.

It was among the fruit and vegetables that I ran into disaster.

"Yes, Cece, you wrote it all down for me, and told me. Twice." There was a pause, but, even in a state of panic, I had already recognized the voice. My feet were frozen in place though my brain was screaming at them to run. "Sorry, no more sass…of course I'm being sarcastic, don't you know your own son?...Yeah, I love you, too. Bye."

As soon as Eli started to round the corner the connection between my feet and my brain seemed to magically restore itself, and I whipped my cart around, ready to flee.

"Clare…is that you?"

Shit. I had been trying to swear less, but shit, _shit_,** shit**! The odds of Eli and I being at the same grocery store on the same day at the same time had to be laughably low. Was God testing me or something?

Slowly, I turned myself back around. "Hi, Eli."

He smiled awkwardly at me, letting his eyes travel up and down my body, taking in my haphazard appearance. "Fancy meeting you here," he smirked at me.

I flushed lightly, wondering if it were possible for the meeting to be any more awkward; and it had barely even started. Eli looked…good. There was no other word for it. There were no lines under his eyes, no dark circles. He didn't look depressed, like he had barely slept despite the hours spent in bed. Clearly I had picked the perfect time to sever ties; I was not the center of his world. With other activities that his life could revolve around, this had not devastated him the way it had last time. It hadn't devastated him the way it devastated me. Clearly I had become more attached than I had let myself realize.

"Yeah…quite the coincidence; but you look w-well," I stuttered, averting my eyes.

"Thanks," he smiled briefly and I could still feel his eyes assessing every inch of my face. Eli's scrutiny was far worse than Imogen's because he knew me so well; his eyes would catch everything that was wrong. "How are you?" he asked, but the simple question held far more weight coming from him. He could tell something was wrong; I could hear it in his voice.

"I'm…fine."

"You look…like you've been to hell and back."

"Wow, thank you; you've always had such a way with words, Mr. Goldsworthy." I turned on my heel to flee away from the scene. I didn't want to give him to opportunity to find out the extent of my 'hell'…of course, I also didn't want to see his smug face when he linked my horrid mood back to him.

"Fuck, Clare, that's not what I meant," Eli grabbed my elbow, gently twirling me back around to face him. "You always look stunning, okay? You just-your eyes are very expressive. You look…broken or something. I didn't mean to offend you; I was just making an observation." Unnaturally, Eli was tripping over his words and he seemed flustered. "Look, sorry for talking to you; I forgot we're no longer friends. I shouldn't care, I suppose. Bye, Clare," Eli finished curtly and started to walk away.

He was right, we weren't friends anymore; I had made that so. But watching him walk away…it hurt. So I did the stupidest thing imaginable: I called after him.

"Eli, wait; don't go!"

True to form, Eli turned back around to face me, but did not say a word. He continued to stare expectantly at me until he finally sighed, looking defeated. "Look, Clare, Cece is waiting for me. I don't mean to be rude, but was there something you had to say; is there something wrong?"

And there it was; the direct question. Of course something was wrong. My mom was with a different man every night, she was ignoring me, and the person I cared about most aside from my family, I had alienated. Standing across from Eli and having a conversation shouldn't have been awkward. We were too close to be so uncomfortable with running into each other at a store. But, as per usual, I had screwed that up.

A tear trickled down my cheek, and Eli noticed before I could wipe it away and pretend it was never there. He took two quick strides toward me so he could pull me into a gentle, caring hug. It was against his chest that I lost it, sobs escaping my chest obnoxiously. He cooed soft reassurances in my ear, rubbing my back as I tried desperately to tug my composure back into place. "It's okay, Clare. I'm here, it'll all be okay. Shh, Clare, please, breathe. You're going to hyperventilate."

I did as he said, taking one more deep breath before I felt myself relax. "Wow, I'm sorry," I flushed a bright red, pulling away from his embrace. "I don't know what came over me. I- maybe I need to go."

"Clare," Eli started sternly, holding me in place. "Do you really think, after that, I'll just let you walk away? You're going to talk to me whether you like it or not."

I sighed, resigned. "I don't really want to talk, Eli. I did this to myself, and there really isn't much else to say."

"If you're so miserable, then why can't we just go back to being friends? I've missed you like crazy, Clare."

I wanted to start crying again because there was nothing I wanted more than to just go back to the way life was just a few short weeks ago. But it wasn't that simple; my mother would make sure of that.

"It's not just all about you, Eli. We can't be friends; I meant what I said."

Eli's face screwed up angrily. "Than what is it about? We may not be friends anymore, but I still care about you. And you just broke down in Whole Foods…you need to talk to someone, apparently."

"Still as stubborn as ever," I sneered. Eli just leveled me with an unrelenting, piercing stare. "Fine, you want to know what's wrong with my life? My mom forbade me from seeing you, I haven't talked to any of my friends in two weeks, I spend all day in bed but I can't sleep, my mom has a different guy in bed with her every night and she's totally ignoring me. Happy?"

"Wait, that's the real reason you refuse to see me anymore? Clare, that sucks."

"Is that the only thing you heard?" I shrieked, dangerously close to losing it again. I had thought Eli was the one person who might have listened to my problems and shown concern, maybe offered words of comfort. But he was just like everyone else. He didn't care at all. I turned to leave, again, but Eli caught me and pulled me into another hug.

"Sorry; of course that's not all I heard. Have you tired talking to your mom?"

"It's no use," I muttered, pushing him away. "She's been like this since Glen and her split last year. I don't think she even realizes how awful she's being; she's put blinders up on life. Because no matter how crummy I feel, she still misses my dad, and is probably ten times worse off."

"That doesn't make it okay," Eli pointed out. "And since when do you let your _mom_ dictate who your friends are?"

Eli wasn't saying anything right. Not that it was really his fault; I wasn't sure that anything would make me feel better, but if I had hoped anyone to know what I needed to hear, it would have been Eli. I started to push my full cart away, determined to actually walk away that time. I turned, just slightly, to call over my shoulder. "Since she's all the family I have; we have to stick together. I don't expect you to understand- your parents are amazing. It was nice to see you, but this doesn't change anything." I stalked off quickly, not giving him a chance to reply.

I turned around just one to find Eli still watching me walk away from him; his face contorted in pain. I had lost count of how many times we had been in this position, but it never seemed to hurt any less.

XXX

My mother came home from work at the usual time, banging through the door quite loudly.

I was pulled out of my stupor, dragging myself off of my bed before checking my appearance in the mirror. My hair was a mess and my makeup had smeared because of all the crying I had done since my arrival home. I just wanted summer to be over so I could go back to school.

After fixing myself up, I went to visit my mother. "How was work?" I asked, joining her in the kitchen.

"Oh, it was fine; just fine. Thanks for getting my groceries, Clare-bear." She smiled brightly at me and I did my very best to return the favor. It felt much more like a grimace, though. "Did anything fun and exciting happen to you today? I feel bad leaving you all alone in the empty house; I hope you got Alli or Adam to keep you company."

That time it was easier to smile if only because the dark irony gave me twisted satisfaction. "No, no; I'm okay with being alone. I didn't see anyone important today."

I was a horrible liar, and it was a testament to how far we had fallen out of touch that my mother just smiled and swallowed my frail front of happiness without a second thought.

XXX

_June 26, 2012_

I rolled over in my bed, squeezing my eyes shut. I was sure that I hadn't slept for even one hour without starting awake and I was really just burnt out. I needed sleep, and a handful of 15 minute naps throughout the night was just not cutting it.

There was a sort of dull buzz of voices that kept me from falling into a peaceful oblivion, though. Defeated, I rolled over to look at the clock. It was almost eight in the morning; usually my mom left for work at that time…but not without coming in my room to give me a chore for the day and to kiss me goodbye.

Unnerved and beyond over-tired, I peeled myself off the mattress and, in a sleep-walk, I made my way to the top of the stairs.

"Please, just hear me out, Ms. Edwards! I think Clare is depressed…and she needs some cheering up; she needs a friend!"

I stiffened. I knew that voice all too well. I had just talked to the person attached to that voice the day before. But what the hell was Eli doing in my house. At eight in the morning, no less!

"Clare has plenty of friends," my mother replied coolly, brushing Eli's concern off. "She doesn't need an influence in her life as the likes of you."

"With all due respect, Ms. Edwards, I'm friends with most of Clare's other friends…and Adam is friends with Alli. Clare hasn't been talking to any of them. I ran into her at the grocery store yesterday and she looks bad. I think part of it has to do with your, erm, lifestyle," I could hear the mounting discomfort in Eli's voice, and I was frozen with fury. He had no right…how dare he…he was a dead man! "But the other part has to do with her not being able to see, certain friends."

"You think her happiness depends on you?" Mom replied angrily, but it was slightly weakened due to the surprise in her voice. I could only imagine what her face looked like.

"No, I don't. But I do care about your daughter more than most people in this world. She's a genuinely sweet, intelligent and caring girl. She is one of my best friends, and I am one of hers…Ms. Edwards, what I am trying to say is, Clare and I have not had an easy friendship. But we make each other happy, and we were just starting to get past all the bad stuff that happened when we had a relationship. Her happiness is more important to me than my own, and I just want you to reconsider your ban on her seeing me. Haven't you noticed any change in her at all? I just want to help her."

I was expecting my mother to yell; to lash out at Eli for disrespecting her and meddling in our lives. But, instead, Eli's speech was greeted with silence.

"She hasn't been herself lately," my mother admitted quietly, sheepishly.

That was the last straw; if my mother would not tell Eli off for interfering where it wasn't his business, I would. They were talking about me like I was some kind of mental patient, and I would have been embarrassed has I not felt so much rage.

I stormed down the stairs loudly, catching both Eli and my mother off guard. "Get. Out." I hissed at Eli venomously.

"Clare, why are you up so early?" My mother asked at the same time Eli, with horror in his voice, questioned, "How much did you hear?"

"Enough to know that you are way out of line, Goldsworthy! And if you intend on having any children in the future you had better get lost before I damage a certain, vital organ."

Eli and my mom both looked positively shocked, and Eli had an undercurrent of horror in the worry lines evident on his face. "Clare, I'm just worried about you."

"We're not friends anymore, remember? You're not allowed to care, so please, just leave."

Leaning around me, Eli made eye contact with my mother, who was watching the exchange somberly. "Just think about what I had to say, okay?"

"Leave!" I screamed, fully aware that I was basically throwing a temper tantrum. Eli flinched, but didn't say another word as he retreated out the door. I turned to find my mother staring at me, a calculating look on her face.

"I have to go to work, but we need to talk as soon as I get home."

I stood in our foyer, befuddled, as my mother kissed me on the cheek and calmly walked out the door. Was that really all she had to say about the extremely unusual morning?

Apparently it was, though, and I was left alone in the house once again. I was not looking forward to the empty day ahead of me, but I knew that I was too keyed up to go back to bed- even to just lie there listlessly. I changed into sweats and a tank top before grabbing a book and trying to busy myself.

Around lunch, I was halfway through The Book Thief; the first book that I even bothered to pick up in two weeks. I took a break from reading to eat before falling asleep on the couch due to my severe food coma.

I woke a couple hours later in a cold sweat after a dream that I couldn't remember a single detail about. I had an hour left till my mom usually left work, but that never meant that she would head straight home. So, to pass the time, I retrieved my laptop form my room and surfed the internet for more information about university.

Finally, five o' clock rolled around, and I was getting antsy. I wanted to know what my mom had to say, and I didn't want to wait much longer to hear it.

Not a moment too late, my mother swooped through the door, dumping her purse on the table in the front hall. "Clare?" she called up the stairs, apparently unaware that I was just around the corner on the couch.

"Over here," I replied softly, and my mom startled though I had kept my voice quiet. She sat down next to me, putting her arm around me and pulling me closer to her chest; an unexpected gesture.

"You know, Eli isn't nearly as bad as I thought he was; I was overreacting."

I almost choked. There was no way that _Helen Edwards_ had just said that about _Eli Goldsworthy_. No, surely I must have heard wrong. "Wh-what do you mean?" I stuttered, unable to hide my shock.

"Well, I've spent all day thinking about everything he said to me, and he was right. He certainly cares about you, and I admire the guts it must have taken for him to come over here and stand up to me. But he also made me realize what an awful mother I've been lately."

"You're not awful," I defended her like a reflex.

"Oh, but I have been, Clare. I've been completely neglecting you; not realizing that you had completely cut all ties off from your friends. I also never thought about how my…choices…might have been affecting you. And I am sorry, dear. We are going to work on it together."

It was all too much to take it; the 360 in attitude. "I…so what does this mean?" I asked skeptically.

"For starters," my mother leveled me with a stern gaze, "we are going to discuss where you have been going, of not to Alli's and Adam's these past few nights. Then we need to talk about why I've been so…active lately. We're going to get through everything together. I realize there is quite a mess to contend with now, but I know we can turn this around together. But, mostly, this means I have no problems with you seeing Eli." My jaw hit the floor, and I could practically feel my skepticism, palpable, like a veil in the room. "I am serious, Clare. Although anything but traditional, his heart is in the right place. I want to give him a chance to let me like him. He seems like a mature you man, and I will try my hardest to see him as such."

"But what about everything you said about me being bad for him?" I pointed out.

"Oh, Clare, I was so mean to say those things. I was willing to do whatever it took to get you away from Eli, and I'm sorry for planting ideas in your head. Really, I want you to be happy again. And if that means hanging out with Eli, so be it. I will do my best not to judge."

My mom pulled me in tighter, giving me a hug. I took that as a sign that our conversation, for the time being, was over.

But that didn't make me any less skeptical.


	8. How to Save A Life

**I can't apologize enough for the long wait I've put you all through. I also can't thank you all enough for still taking an interesting in this story. I really do love you all; every single person who takes the time to read what I have to say. **

**Get ready, this chapter is on the short side, but it has bountiful EClare goodness. **

_June 28, 2012_

You would think, after being given back my freedom to talk to the people I held most dear, that I would have jumped at the chance to reconnect. But, even after two days of this freedom, I was in my room memorizing the cracks on my celling.

Basically I only had one thing standing in the way of reverting back to friendships and happiness and the chance at a normal summer—my pride. Oh, and also my seething, stomach-boiling anger. It just so happened that I had not forgiven Eli for intruding on the way I was handling my life. Not to mention his narcissistic assumption that if he swooped back into my daily routine that I would just fall right back into a mindless bliss. As if my happiness depended solely on him; stupid, arrogant jerk!

Of course, there was always Alli and Adam, but I was too embarrassed and tired to try explaining my sketchy and sudden disappearance from their lives. And they had both given up on me so completely that they didn't even bother to call or text anymore. I had shut out all my old friends so absolutely, and I just simply couldn't access the energy or desire to get them back.

I just wanted to pout and sulk; maybe even disappear inside the mattress without a trace.

Although, if anything good had come out of my mental breakdown, it was my mother's newfound realization that bringing home a new stranger every night was not the best way to deal with her loneliness. True to her word, she had stayed in to hang around with me since our talk. We watched a movie, ate dinner together, but it was an unspoken pact that we didn't talk about what had happened. Not with me and my depression or her with and the promiscuity…we knew that we had issues, but we would work them out individually. We were too ashamed of our respective screw ups that we spent the better part of our time together in silence.

Still, it was nice to finally have my mom around again. I hadn't realized how much I had simply missed being around her.

A loud bang came from the kitchen and a loud strong of profanities followed closely after. Worry and curiosity pulled me from my semi-permanent spot between my sheets with a cursory glance to the flashing green numbers of my alarm clock. It was eight thirty…the time my mother usually left for work. I vigorously swiped the sleep from my eyes and shuffled down the stairs to find my mother frantically expelling a small fire that had broken out on the stove top.

"No, no…today would be perfect. I have to work late so you could take your time….DAMMIT! No, I really have to go—thank you. Bye!" My mother punched a button on the phone and threw it onto the counter as I hurriedly grabbed a dishtowel and threw it over the fire, expelling any feed of oxygen. Slowly, with a good blast of water from the faucet, the fire died and my mother took a deep breath. "Well this wasn't exactly what I had in mind; I wanted to make you breakfast before I left. Let this be a lesson, never get distracted when the stove is on," she tried to be stern but a smile lit up her face.

I, in turn, giggled at the absurdities. Only my mother would almost set the house on fire making eggs. "Who were you on the phone with, anyway?" I asked as I pulled a box of cereal out of the pantry.

Mom started to mop up the water and threw away the singed dish rag before answering. "Do you have any big plans today?"

So she was avoiding the question. That was never good. "No…I was probably just going to read or something."

She nodded and flashed me a polite smile, but not before I saw the flash of concern and suspicion…and maybe pleasure? "I've noticed you haven't been out to see any of your friends, and they certainly haven't been around here. Why's that?"

I did not want to have this conversation; it was supposed to be a taboo topic. She left my issues alone in exchange for me giving her the same courtesy. "They've been busy," I lied quickly. "But Alli and I are definitely hanging out soon."

My mother cocked her eyebrow at me but said nothing more on the subject. "Well, I have to head out. I love you; it's summer, Clare. Try not to spend the entire day indoors. Some Vitamin D will do you good, dear. I'll call you when I am on my way home!" And with that she breezed out the door, leaving me to stare into the depths of my cheerios.

Despite the fact that the entire exchange had been a tad sketchy, it was true that I had not been outside to soak up the sun in far too long. Wistfully, I thought of the many summer afternoons spent following Darcy to the public pool, to the park or simply laying out in our short driveway on beach towels as we read or talked. I missed her; she would know what to say to me to drag me out of my lonely, unnecessary, ongoing pity party. She wouldn't have let me screw up my life so completely and seemingly irrevocably. Hell, she wouldn't have let me allow Mom to choose my friends in the first place.

Wiping the lone tear that had leaked onto my cheek, I rinsed my empty bowl and headed back up to my room. With Darcy in mind, I felt suddenly ashamed of the misshapen appearance of my room and myself. My sister had always been polished—even in the face of tragedy. Just thinking about what my sister had to endure during her high school years made me sick to my stomach. Why was I still sulking about my insignificant by comparison problems?

With a sudden, intense need I went around my room picking up the dirty clothes and placing them in my hamper. Once I had a full load I went down to the laundry room and started the washing machine. Feeling a tad better, a bit optimistic, I returned to my room to make my bed and tidy up my dresser and nightstand.

Smiling in relief at the slightly renewed look of my room I hopped into the shower, washing my hair with care, letting the therapeutic steam surround me in rolling, thick clouds of fog. I shaved for the first time in an embarrassingly long time.

Feeling rather relaxed and centered, I took my personal primping a step further by blow drying and curling my hair. I put on a light coat of mascara, locked the familiar cross necklace around my neck and pulled on a light blue, thin strapped dress with tiny, pink flowers scattered across the fabric.

Somehow, though I had never been particularly girly or focused on fashion, just dressing up and doing my hair and makeup had made my problems feel distance, almost nonexistent. I had even gone as far as tucking a book under my arm as I headed downstairs, phone poised in my hand, halfway through dialing Alli's number, when the front door burst open. "Mo—?" I started, but was cut off when I saw the familiar mop of unkempt black hair slip into the foyer, that annoyingly heart wrenching smirk on Eli's face as he spotted me, frozen in place.

To further my shock, Adam sauntered in behind Eli giving me a bright smile and a friendly wave. "Hey, Clare; you look, like, a million times better than the last time I saw you."

"Uh, thanks…how did you get into my house?"

Eli gave an easy laugh that I immediately countered with a glare so scathing that it would surely have deemed him dead if he had a soul in the first place. "You're mom left the door unlocked for us."

My anger was slightly marred by my sudden surprise. "And why on earth would she do that?"

"She's worried about you," Eli shrugged, still smirking like the arrogant prick that he was. "She called me a couple hours earlier to give Adam and me a mission. This is operation Get-Clare-Out-Of-The-House." At least it explained who my mother had been on the phone with when she had set fire to the stove.

"And what makes you think that I will be going anywhere with _you_?"

Adam was the one who answered, a bemused laugh preceding his explanation. "Dude, we have you outnumbered. We could carry you out of the house even if you try to resist. But we'd really rather not resort to force. Have you forgotten that we're your friends, Clare? We're just trying to be here for you, help you."

I held my ground, rooted to my spot on the steps as I considered Adam's proposal. It was true that they were both stronger than me, quicker and they had the element of surprise. I wouldn't be able to physically escape them. But…did I want to? A resounding 'yes' rung out in my head, but then I remembered my sudden readiness to call Alli and attempt groveling until she had forgiven me. The thoughts of Darcy's struggles had put everything into perspective, woken me up from a seemingly zombie-like dream state. I wanted my friends back, and here they were, literally in front of me for the taking.

But I was still mad at Eli; really, really mad. And I wanted him to know that—I wanted to lash out and yell at him. But it only seemed fair that I let my emotions settle so we could talk about what he had done rationally and calmly. And we wouldn't be able to do that if I pushed them away again. Something told me that if I even tried, it would be the last time; they would try crawling back.

Besides, Adam had done nothing wrong. If he was so willing to look past my absurd behavior I was willing to be let back into his life. Slowly, I descended the remaining steps and pushed past the boys to hold the door open.

Adam let out an excited cheer. "I _knew _it! The old Clare is back!" In a burst of enthusiasm, Adam pulled me in for a tight hug, giving me a soft peck on the cheek. I blushed, but hugged back with vigor.

"Glad you've come to your senses, Edwards," Eli smiled proudly, leaning in presumably to embrace me as well, but I pulled back just slightly. It was enough that Eli noticed, though, and he stopped his advance immediately, searching my face. He seemed to perceive my anger directed at him and him only because he gave an understanding nod before heading out the door.

I grabbed my purse from the couch and locked my front door behind me before noticing Cece's car parked on the curb. I crawled into the backseat without hesitation as Adam and Eli slipped into the passenger and driver's seats respectively. Adam turned around as Eli shifted into gear and pulled away from the curb, apparently he had a destination in mind. Still, Adam's unwavering look of pleasure recaptured my attention.

"What; do I have something on my face?"

Adam gave a carefree chuckle and I realized how much I missed the sound, missed him. After all, my life was a bit incomplete without my friends. "No…you just look really good," he complimented, causing a pleased blush to rise to my cheeks. "I don't buy that you were ever sick, you know, in the literal sense of the word, but you looked like shit for a while there."

"I feel good…or, at least, better. And, thanks," I murmured dryly. Both Adam and Eli chuckled, but Eli had the good sense to keep his mouth shut. Though, every few seconds, I saw him glance at me in the rearview mirror curiously. I tried my best to ignore it—especially the little flutters his scrutiny caused in the region of my ribcage. Damn his effect on me, furious or not. "So where are we going, exactly?" I finally piped up, voicing my burning question for the first time.

"Oh, you'll see," Eli smirked at me, meeting my gaze in the rearview deliberately that time. "It's a place very special to us misfits."

His cryptic comment bouncing around in my head, I started to watch the streets of Toronto pass by in a blur for hints of where we were headed. Perhaps a bit slowly, I registered our exact destination when Eli turned the car on to a familiar, gravel path. "The abandoned church…!" I exclaimed excitedly. It had been a long time, a little over a year in fact, since I had been to the location of many a good time with Eli and Adam.

"Took you long enough to catch on, Edwards," Eli teased and I rolled my eyes.

"Were I you, I would drop the smirk and work harder on earning my forgiveness," I quipped.

With the car parked, Eli whipped around to raise his eyebrows at me. "So that's why I wasn't allowed to hug you…you're pissed at me?"

"Gee, nothing gets past you, eh?"

Eli narrowed his eyes at me. Adam cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Look at that tree over there! I am going to go admire it. Away from you two," he said quickly giving Eli a swift pat on the shoulder. "Good luck—yell if she tries to kill you." And with that he shot out of the car. I wanted to laugh, but I was too busy with the staring contest that I was determined to win.

Eli resigned with a sigh. "Alright, lay it on me; what did I do wrong?"

"You really don't know? I'll give you three guesses."

Eli lapsed into quiet thought until it seemed to dawn on him. Gracefully, after pulling the keys out of the ignition, Eli crawled into the backseat with me, angling his body toward mine. There was a proper look of apprehension and sheepishness on his face. "Clare, there was a reason I came to talk to your mom…and you know it wasn't to upset you. When I saw you looking so lost and broken at the grocery store, though, it scared the shit out of me." Tentatively, he reached for my hand, warming my fingers delicately between his palms. "I know what it's like to have spells of depression—it can feel helpless and you can convince yourself that you're all alone. But the fact of the matter is you're _not_, and there was no reason for you to be living any life but the one that you want. I am sorry I upset you, Clare, but I am not sorry that I confronted your mom. If anyone has the right to be angry it should be me!"

With a scoff of disbelief I removed my hand from between his. "How do you figure that, Goldsworthy?"

"You let your mom tell you who your friends could be! You know I legitimately thought you didn't want to be my friend anymore! How was that fair?"

I didn't want to see his point, but he was being so sincere and genuine that it was hard to keep the warming of my heart at bay. I had to face the fact that I had a huge soft spot for Eli that was never going to go away. So I simply shrugged. He seemed to understand, though, pulling me in for a soft hug. I inhaled the comforting, signature cologne that always seemed to surround Eli as my head rested against his chest for a brief moment.

"Just so you know, though," I pulled away, shoving his shoulder with all the force I could manage, "You are not the sole creator of my happiness."

"You think I don't know that?" Eli rolled his eyes, opening the door to slip out. He paused, meeting my eye with genuine concern coloring his features. "I do make you happy, though, right?"

"Sometimes," I allowed, winking at him. Satisfied, he closed the car door and crossed quickly to open mine. "Thank you," I smiled, letting him grab my hand to pull me out of my seat. He didn't loosen his grip as we approached Adam, and I certainly didn't have any complaints. I was feeling hopeful, happy. It felt almost as if there had never been that break in our friendship; as if the last few weeks were just an echo of a bad dream. I was foolish to ever think that I was better off alone and I made a mental note to call Alli as soon as possible.

"Oh, good, you guys worked it out; and Clare didn't even try to kill you!" Adam punched the air in enthusiasm while Eli and I chuckled. Stealthily, I removed my hand from Eli's grasp. When he shot me a worried look I simply inclined my head toward Adam. Eli gave a sharp nod, seeming to understand that I didn't want to alienate Adam by being overly affectionate with him. This was about reconnecting with both of them…

The boys started to joke at my expense, but I was distracted by the appearance of the church. If anything, I had expected it to look more run-down and decayed since I had last seen it, but it looked like someone was working hard to preserve it. Though the surrounding fauna had grown considerably denser, and the trees provided more shade along the area, the ivy that used to grow along the side of the crumbling walls had been trimmed. The hammock that held a strong connection to one of my fondest memories had been restrung along the back corner and there was a black trash bag hidden in the bushes.

I could faintly make out the blackened spot on the wall—a direct result of when Eli reached the darkest point in his mind. I approached it quietly, strangely compelled, and ran my hand over the charred, damaged brick. Suddenly, Eli's voice sounded behind me and I jumped in shock. "It's kind of scary, huh? To know what I'm capable of?" There was an ancient sadness in his voice that made me want to turn around and hug him…but I just stared at the spot in wonder; a permanent reminder of Eli's struggle with bi-polar disorder.

"That was never really _you_, though," I pointed out in an effort to make him feel better. "Not really, anyway. You have everything under control now."

I turned around to find Eli's eyes searching my face desperately. "Not everything…," he murmured and I thought I understood what he meant, my heart fluttering up into my throat.

"I am so glad you two are talking again," Adam stated loudly as he joined up in the space of the decaying walls. Eli and I jumped about 50 feet apart as Adam settled himself on the hammock. "It makes my life so much easier when we can all hang out. I really like Imogen and all, but I still crave the quality time with my two closest buds."

I smiled fondly at Adam, pushing him aside so I could crawl into the hammock and sit opposite him, my legs tucked underneath me, the skirt of my dress folded, lady-like, over my thighs. Eli absentmindedly rocked up back and forth, seemingly lost in thought.

"How are you two, anyway?" I asked. I suddenly felt so out of loop…which I was. I wanted to know everything that had happened in Adam and Eli's lives since I had pushed them out of mine so completely.

"Really great, actually," Adam blushed a deep shade of red. "We went on a few double dates with Alli and Dave, which are fun, but I like spending time alone with her better. She's amazing. And she really just doesn't care that I am a trans kid."

"She is special, that Imogen," Eli interjected fondly. "She told me what she did to you, by the way," he chuckled, poking me delicately in the ribs.

"What are you…Oh! Yeah, she was not pleased with how I chose to handle my mother."

"She was just worried about you," Adam assured. "We all were. But Imogen really likes you, Clare. I think you two could be great friends."

"I want to be her friend," I insisted. "What else has happened while I've been on lockdown? I want you to tell me everything!"

And so our day went—Eli told me all about the class he signed up for in hopes of expanding on his playwriting skills. Adam told me about taking Imogen home to meet his mother…who apparently, much to everyone's surprise, adored Imogen. Eli told me about Cece's new book club and about all her cookie recipe experiments. Adam told me about the stupid stunt Drew pulled…trying to get Katie to spend the night, which their moms caught on to at the last moment. Eli told me about spending countless hours with Bullfrog at the station and about the new bands he had to expose me to. Adam told me how he beat Zelda for the twentieth time. Eli told me about the latest book he was reading. Adam told me he was working through an old Pokémon videogame.

I listened happily, just drinking it all in. When I had finally been filled in with all the details of their past few weeks we moved on to other topics, talking until the sun started to crawl slowly toward the horizon, leaving the church bathed in an odd, luminescent, green glow. Deciding to call it a day, we headed back to Cece's car and Eli popped in a CD of one of his newly discovered bands. He sang along in a low, deep voice, but Adam and I just listened. It wasn't too bad…a little screechy for my tastes, but the lyrics were meaningful.

"I am dropping you off first, Adam. Is that cool, man?" Eli asked even though he had just turned onto Adam's street.

"Yeah, yeah; very subtle, Eli. My mom is probably pacing the floor, wondering where I am anyway." The car turned into Adam's driveway and I slipped out of the backseat to give Adam a bone-crushing hug.

"I love you," I told him. "I am so sorry I was so awful when you were just trying to help."

"Hey, we all get lost sometimes. The important thing is that you found yourself again," he replied wisely, returning my embrace in kind. "I love you, too, Clare. You and Eli behave yourselves." And, with a wink, he loped off to his front door.

The blush still on my cheeks, I slipped into the passenger seat. Eli and I remained silent as he slipped the car in gear and backed out of the driveway. Tentatively, after taking a deep breath to center myself, I reached over to where Eli's free hand was drumming a rhythm on his thigh and slipped my fingers between his. Fleetingly, I saw Eli glance at me, staring fixedly straight ahead, a light blush on his cheeks. But he quickly turned his attention back to the road, giving my hand a tight squeeze in acknowledgement as the soft smile lingered on his lips.

All too soon, Eli pulled up to my house and put the car in park before turning to me. "I am always here for you, Clare, no matter what, you know that, right?" The intensity in his voice caught me off guard, but I nodded my understanding. "Good. So don't disappear on me again, okay? I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I just really need you in my life; I am too selfish to let you go even if it's for your own good."

I felt touched tears spring to my eyes. "I-I promise not to leave you again…I'm sorry I ever did in the first place—it was stupid."

"You're not stupid, Edwards, but you were confused. And for that I forgive you; I know all too well what that's like." He gave my hand another squeeze, but I felt it in my heart. Unfortunately, though, he dropped it right after the pressure released. My fingers felt strangely cold without his between them.

"Thank you, Eli. For today, for talking to my mother…for not giving up on me."

"Hey, remember, we're stuck with each other. You're not going to get rid of me so easily," he winked.

"Good," I asserted, meeting his gaze. I felt every unspoken emotion surrounding us weighing heavily in the air. After a prolonged moment, Eli's cell phone started to buzz loudly. We both jumped a little, laughing. "I should probably get going anyway. I'll see you again soon?" I checked.

"Count on it," Eli smiled, watching me get out of the car. With a wave, he put the car in gear and drove off.

I waved back though I knew I was too late for him to see.

As I walked into the house, my hand tingled with the ghost of Eli's touch.


	9. Let's Get Fucked Up and Die

**Once again, I am terribly sorry for leaving this story update-free for so long. You guys deserve better, surely, but I am also a busy individual with long bouts of writers block. **

**Have I mentioned lately that I do not own Degrassi?**

**Okay, so this chapter isn't centered on EClare. Well, that's a lie; it is, but most of the scenes will be with other people in Clare's life that she has to reconnect with. So there won't be a lot of EClare dialogue. And there will be drama. Just bear with me. Thanks for reading!**

_June 29, 2012_

Whoever was it that said life has a funny way of working itself out?

They clearly had never met Eli Goldsworthy. He had a funny way of _making_, not only his life, but his friends' lives, work out.

I started at the celling, a smile on my face as I thought again of the day spent at our abandoned church. It had been like old times…like before all the mania and the anger and depression. Back when it was just Adam, Eli and me; back when Eli and I had a simpler relationship. There weren't any extenuating feelings to get in the way of a beautiful friendship, but now we had…I wasn't even sure. An echo, perhaps, of what had made us such great friends in the first place. Still, the feelings lingered; for me, anyway.

With a wistful sigh I rolled out of bed, landing on my feet with a dull thud. I would not let my internal dialogue mess with me. Today was going to be a good day—I could just feel it; giddiness was practically bubbling in my chest. Humming to myself, I brushed my teeth quickly, applied deodorant and pulled on shorts and a tank top. I wasn't sure what I planned to do for the day, but it seemed as though a bookstore was calling my name.

I bounded down the stairs into an empty kitchen, finding a note from my mother wishing me a good day. I smiled serenely, folding it up and putting it in my pocket. Just as I was digging the box of Cheerios out of the pantry, the house phone started to ring. Without glancing at the number, I leaned over the counter to grab it and pressed the talk button. "Hello?" I questioned, poking around the box of granola. Perhaps Mom had eaten the last of my cereal.

"Glad to hear you're finally awake," Eli's voice snarked on the other end of the line. "I've called your cell at least six times since nine this morning. Please tell me you haven't eaten breakfast yet."

A smile poised on my lips, I stood up, pulling my head out of the pantry. "Good morning to you," I retorted with a playful edge.

"The morning is dwindling, Edwards. Just tell me if you've eaten yet."

"I was just about to…" I trailed off, confused as to why he wanted to know.

"Good, don't," I could hear the smile in his voice and the slam of a car door. "I'll be there in a few minutes." Before I had the time to respond, there was a click on the other line. I took a second to freak out, running to the mirror in the hall to assess my appearance. My hair was a mess, and if Eli and I were going out I needed to fix that.

Thankfully, I was able to style the frizz into sleek curls before I heard a honk from the street. Grabbing my purse, I dashed down the stairs, taking a second to compose myself before walking out the door, locking it behind me. "Hey there," I smiled brightly as I slid into the passenger seat of Cece's car.

"Good morning," Eli smiled brightly at me, wasting no time putting the car in gear and pulling off. "Glad to see Zombie Clare is still absent," he noted casually, his eyes sweeping over my appearance quickly before they focused on the road. I could feel myself blushing, ashamed.

"Yeah, I think a couple of boys might have chased her off for good."

"Happy to hear that," Eli spoke softly, and I could hear the weeks of genuine worry I had subjected him to clear in his voice.

"So, are you going to tell me where we're going, or do I have to guess?" I quipped, watching the familiar streets of Toronto pass me by, trying to keep my gaze from remaining fixed on Eli.

"It might be fun to hear you try," Eli smirked, turning to me for a split second to wink.

"Well you already gave me a clue," I reminded him, sticking my tongue out childishly. "I'm assuming it has something to do with breakfast."

"Your deductive reasoning skills are impeccable," he exaggerated an impressed tone and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Any reason why, though?"

"Just…," Eli hesitated, seeming focused on picking the right words, "making sure."

I felt my brow wrinkle in confusion, and I cocked my head at him. "Making sure of what, exactly?"

Eli groaned softly, as if my question was causing him actual pain. "I-erm-wanted to make sure you didn't have enough time to…start ignoring us again." He cleared his throat, flinching, almost as if he were scared of my coming reaction. I sat very still for a moment, absorbing what he said. Many feelings swirled in my head, but I realized that anger was not one of them. Perhaps I should have been angry at his assumption, but I only felt guilty. And more than a little broken that Eli should feel it would be that easy for me to go back into the darkness.

"Eli," I whispered softly. He stopped at a light, turning to look at me. I waited for his gaze to meet mine before I started to talk again. "It's a little hard to admit, but I was depressed. And scared. And I felt like hiding was a better way of dealing with the issues instead of facing them. I needed your push—and I am forever grateful that you and Adam cared enough to give me the extra shove—but I am not going back. I missed you guys too much."

He seemed to hear the sincerity in my voice because tension leaked out of his shoulders and Eli relaxed against his seat. Behind us, a car honked its horn, alerting us that the light had long since turned green, and we were holding up traffic. Just like that, with a timid laugh from both of us, the ice and the tentativeness had been broken. And it was just Eli and me, settling back into a familiar and comforting rhythm.

Still, as we rode along to wherever Eli was taking me, a thick silence hung in the air. In my peripheral vision, I watched Eli glance at me every few seconds, but it didn't feel as if he was making sure I was still stable; that I wasn't about to relapse back into the suffocating depression. No, the moment seemed more significant in a different way—a testimony of sorts. Eli and I had been through so much together, and yet we were still connected. He still knew how to piss me off past the point of no return, only to flip it right around and be the only person capable of making me laugh. He was my best friend in every sense of the word.

The fact that we were sitting in his mom's car, the past stretched out behind us like a joyously painful reminder, seemed like a confirmation of our future. And, even though nothing had technically changed, everything felt different for me.

Sometime during my mental shift, a smile must have snuck onto my lips. As Eli pulled in and parked in an IHOP parking lot, he turned to me and cocked an eyebrow. "Someone's excited about pancakes," he teased, smirking.

"I'm just really glad you're a persistent pain in the ass," I told him cryptically, getting out of the car and heading toward the restaurant.

Eli caught up to me, falling into step by my side. "I'm really glad you're a Jesus-loving freak that refuses to give up on me. Why are we stating the obvious, though?"

I nudged him with my shoulder and rolled my eyes, not dignifying him with a response.

Eli held the door open for me, ever the gentleman, and the hostess—a kind, elderly woman with a limp—lead us to our table with a promise that our waitress would be around shortly.

As Eli flipped open the menu, I fingered a sticky syrup dispenser. My stomach growled, but I just cleared my throat until he looked up, and I took the opportunity to bat my eyes innocently. "Where are Imogen and Adam?" I asked.

Seemingly on to me, Eli raised an eyebrow. "I asked if they wanted to come along, but they had already made plans to go to the beach. Not that I mind; I was just being polite. I much prefer this outing to be the two of us." With a wink, Eli looked back down at his menu.

But, by then, I felt too excited to eat. After all, I was not longer sure if Eli had meant the morning to be a platonic hang out, or if he had asked me out on a date. And I was a little too frightened to put my heart on the line by asking. So, instead of risking his curiosity, I paged through my own menu.

By the time our waitress came around for our drinks, Eli and I had both decided on differently prepared pancakes.

As I fiddled with my thumbs, Eli poured himself a mug of coffee from the thermos, Sandy, our waitress, had left behind.

"Can I ask you a question?" Eli leaned across the table suddenly, a light in his eyes.

"You just did."

"Original," Eli taunted, taking a sip from his mug.

"Fine, shoot," I rolled my eyes.

Clearing his throat, Eli eyed me with an intensity that made me shiver. "Yesterday, when Adam and I came to pick you up, it looked like you were already headed out."

He paused, so I cocked my eyebrow at him. "That's not a question," I accused, flushing.

"Well, were you? On your way out, that is."

"I…yeah," I allowed. "I was going to call Alli and see if she would have lunch with me."

"So what changed your mind?" he asked curiously, studying every miniscule movement in my face as if determined to read between the lines of my every answer.

"Darcy," I answered simply.

Eli cocked an eyebrow at my unrevealing answer. "Care to elaborate?" he snarked.

"Sure," I shot back flippantly, flashing him a smirk of my own. Eli waited patiently for me to go on, narrowing his eyes at me when I didn't. "Fine!" I sighed, exasperated. "It's just a little embarrassing, is all," I admitted.

"Only makes me more intrigued, Edwards," he chuckled, leaning back in his seat.

"It's just…something made me think about her yesterday while I was still enjoying my pity party. Darcy went through so much during high school—enough to break even the strongest of people. And, yeah, Darcy got to a really low point in her life, but she bounced back. She took charge of her life again, and she found a way to be happy."

Eli nodded along, hanging on every word. He knew all about what had happened to my sister…I had told him during one of my many breakdowns pertaining to my parents' divorce. But even I could hear the awe in my own voice when I talked about my brave sister.

"So what does that have to do with you?" Eli prompted, but he had a knowing smile on his face. One that nearly screamed that he knew me better than I knew myself.

"I guess I finally realized that if Darcy could go through all that—if she could be raped—and still live through it…I should take command of my life again."

"You miss her more than you let on."

It was a question; Eli could probably hear it in my voice, see it in my eyes. "She's still my sister. And we've barely spoken in two years. A few e-mails here and there doesn't really cut it, you know?"

Eli was nodding, but I saw a dangerous spark in his eyes that indicated a plan was formulating in that devious head of his. "But she's happy," he reminded me, his voice not harsh, but consoling.

"And I've decided I should be, too," I smiled at him, my voice adamant.

A bright smile tugged at Eli's lips, and he grabbed his coffee mug, holding it up as if to toast. "I'll drink to that!" he exclaimed, waggling his eyebrows at me.

With a giggle, I grabbed my glass of water and clinked it against the mug. "L'chiam!"

XXX

_June 30, 2012_

The next morning, my mother breezed into my room far earlier than I would have liked. "Clare-bear, time to wake up!" she called as she drew my shades, blinding me with the sunlight.

"Five more minutes," I grumbled, rolling over on my side.

"But I think there's something on the porch for you. You'll want to get it before it melts."

"That's not vague at all," I accused grumpily, but curious, sitting up in bed.

Mom simply smiled at me, swooped in to give me a kiss on the cheek and left the room with a promise to be home around 5:30. I heard her running around downstairs for a few minutes before the front door closed and she was gone. "Doesn't anyone respect summer anymore," I mumbled to myself, tempted to lay back down and lapse into sleep for another few hours.

But my curiosity got the best of me, so I threw my covers to the side and stretched. Still grumbling to myself that I should be asleep, I tiptoed down the stairs. Opening the front door, a red box at my feet immediately caught my eye. Actually, there were _two_ red boxes. One was long and rectangular while the other was shaped like a heart. I raised my eyebrow suspiciously at them, but grabbed them both before I walked into the kitchen.

As it could be predicted, the heart shaped box was full of yummy-looking chocolates—obviously what my mother was afraid would melt—and the rectangular box housed half a dozen white roses and a hand-written note that read:

_Just thought you could use a reminder: there are __many__ things to be happy for._

_Yours Truly,_

_EG_

_P.S. I would get on Skype as soon as you read this, were I you._

Confused by the last line, I placed the letter back in the box, a smile poised on my lips. Eli Goldsworthy was going to be the death of me…I did not deserve him. Shaking my head, I picked one of the chocolates out of the box and popped it in my mouth—delicious—before quickly running up the stairs to retrieve my computer.

I brought it down to the kitchen, and as it powered up, I looked for something more substantial to eat besides chocolate. Really great chocolate, but still…

Just as I was sitting down with my bowl of cereal, the computer started ringing. I was getting a Skype call. Go figure.

Assuming it was Eli, I answered it without looking, taking a bite of my Cheerios.

Of course, I almost spit them out the second my sister's tanned, smiling face filled my screen. "Clare-Bear!" Darcy greeted warmly.

I choked for a second, working to force the cereal down my throat so I could answer her. "I—you…Darcy!" was all I could manage.

"It's me, kiddo. Breathe, swallow; I'm not that exciting," she chuckled.

"But you're you!" I exclaimed excitedly, finally clearing my windpipe. "It's really you!"

"I think we've established that," Darcy rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling fondly at me.

"What time is it there? How are you? Why have you never called before now? What are you doing? Where are you?" I spouted off, unable to stop myself from showering her with my questions.

"Slow your road there, Tiger," Darcy laughed, flipping her hair out of her eyes. The simple movement drew my attention to the details of her familiar features. She had cut her hair into a bob, her skin was dark from working in the sun and the top she was wearing clearly showed off her defined arm muscles. She looked good…healthy. "It's about 2 in the afternoon here in Niger," she informed me, answering two of my questions at once.

"What's the project this time?" I took a deep breath, biting back the million other questions I had.

"My group and I are building a school here, and I got to lead this mission. It's going well, actually, so I might be able to lead more often."

My smile echoed my sisters own pride. "That's great to hear, Darcy. I'm glad you're still happy."

"Oh, yeah; there's never a dull moment, and the people we do the missions for are so appreciative. It's the most fulfilling thing in the world to finish a project and see how it affects the community. There's never a moment here that I'm not thankful for what I have."

I blushed with vexation, but my eyes did not waver from Darcy's face. It had been way too long since I had last seen it. "I think I'm learning to be thankful to," I admitted, my mind flashing to Eli, Adam, Alli, Imogen and Fiona. All people who had become so protective and caring—so essential to my life.

As if reading my mind, Darcy smiled coyly. "So, tell me about him."

"Him, who?" I blushed, but I knew exactly who she was talking about. After all, there was no questioning that Eli had his hand in this call.

"This Eli fellow…the one who e-mailed me, hinting heavily that I should call you."

My blush deepened. But I deflected her question. "Why do you have to be told to call me? Why haven't we done this sooner?" I asked, suddenly sad as I thought about all the missed opportunities Darcy could have called when I needed her most: the divorce, when Mom moved on too quickly to Glen, when I started to doubt my faith, when Eli and I first separated. I needed her desperately, and I had appreciated her efforts to constantly e-mail me to advise me about my problems, but it suddenly didn't seem like enough.

Darcy sighed, but she seemed to think the question was fair enough because she didn't steer the conversation back to Eli. Yet. "It costs a lot of money to video-chat like this here," she explained. I opened my mouth to snap, but she quickly cut me off. "I know that's no excuse, but I certainly don't get rich doing what I do, Clare. You know I love you, and I want to be there for you no matter what, but this is my livelihood. I don't expect you to completely understand, but time on the internet is a luxury we don't always have. Please don't be angry. I promise to do this more often—as often as I can, okay?"

I huffed, but since she was really there, I didn't want to waste any more time arguing. "Alright," I sighed, giving in. "So, have you met anyone down there?" I asked, smirking at my sister. If I could keep the topic of discussion on Darcy, we wouldn't have to talk about the ambiguity of mine and Eli's relationship.

But Darcy shook her head, a huge smile still on her face. "I realized something down here, Clare. I like to be independent, and there is a lot I want to do to change the world. I'm not ready to settle down or get attached to anyone. I'm still learning to be myself, and I am content with that."

"Wow, Darcy," I stuttered, impressed with the maturity and assertion in her voice. She didn't sound like the same girl who had left those few years ago, and I supposed that was a very good thing.

Darcy merely nodded as if she understood what I was thinking before a gleam appeared in her eyes again. "You're not getting out of this that easily, though, Clare-Bear," she accused. "What's up with you and Eli? Isn't he the hearse boy?"

I rolled my eyes, the blush back. "He is…," I ventured, not sure what she wanted me to say, exactly.

"And are you two, like, an item again?" Darcy cocked an eyebrow at me knowingly.

"I…not exactly," I gulped.

"But you want to be," Darcy prompted.

"There are, um, old feelings still there," I admitted for the first time out loud.

Darcy giggled like a little girl. "I have to go; I'm running out of time…so I'll leave you with this, Clare. It's clear that he cares for you, and I can tell just by the way you blush when I say his name the feeling is mutual. And you're lucky to have found that; most people aren't so fortunate to find someone so good to and for them. That's why divorce is common. So don't let fear keep you from living your life, Clare-Bear. Just go for it."

I simply nodded, still in awe of Darcy. There had been a time when everyone had considered me the more mature child, but apparently none of them—myself included—ever gave her enough credit.

"I love you, Darc," I replied sadly.

"And I love you, Clare. I'll call again in a few months, promise. But feel free to shoot me an e-mail whenever you need someone to talk to you. Bye, little sis!"

And with that, her face faded from the screen, leaving me alone in total silence with a lot to think about.

XXX

Even after a shower, my thoughts were still buzzing with everything that Darcy had said to me. It had been a lot to take in, but I had the nagging feeling that she had been right about so many things. I had missed talking to her, and it had been great to hear her voice, but there was no doubting Darcy was one of two people that always knew what I needed to hear.

The other person currently deserved the biggest thank you ever for setting up the conversation with my sister.

But there was still one person that I hadn't apologized for my rude and uncharacteristic behavior, and something told me to clear my conscious, I had to talk to her first.

So, after getting dressed, I dialed the familiar number and held my breath. "Oh, so you're talking to me again?" Alli's voice sounded irate on the other end of the line.

"Give me a chance to explain, please?" I started off, already on the defense.

"Give me one good reason why I should," Alli challenged, but her voice had changed. She sounded more playful…more Alli.

So I chanced a smile, even though she couldn't see. "Because you're my best friend in the whole wide world and we can't throw away three years of friendship just because I made some mistakes and bad choices."

I was greeted with silence on the other end, so crossed my fingers and waited. Finally, Alli spoke again. "Meet me at The Dot in fifteen minutes," she stated before hanging up without giving me the opportunity to agree.

I let out a gust of air as I quickly grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Hopping on my bike, I made it to The Dot in ten minutes flat, and ordered a coffee for myself as I waited for Alli.

Since I had chosen a table by the big window, I saw Alli before she saw me—a block down the sidewalk. She was with Dave and her huge smile seemed to be a permanent fixture on her face. Just seeing her so full of joy caused me to smile—a weak echo of her own, but I was just so relieved to see her in a good place.

Dave leaned in to peck Alli on the cheek before heading back in the direction they had come. I saw Alli take a deep breath to gather herself, and I suddenly felt even worse for putting her through everything that I had. It hadn't been fair of me to make myself a stranger.

But I couldn't keep beating myself up for being depressed; it happened to even the most stable people, and I was better equipped to handle it were it to ever happen again. I had to focus on the good things if I was going to make this apology work with Alli.

I wanted my best friend back.

The chair scraping against the floor pulled me out of my reverie, and I looked up to find Alli sitting down with a mug of coffee and a slice of cheesecake. "Help yourself," she smiled shyly, passing me one of two forks.

"Thanks," I muttered back, a little surprised, but I gratefully cut off a forkful. Before I put it in my mouth, though, I took a deep breath. "Alli, I am so, so sorry…,"

Alli held up a hand, silencing me. "Clare, I know, silly. I mean, I want to hear what happened, but you look about ready to grovel. And that's not allowed here…because it's not like you committed some evil sin. I was never really mad at you, just a little disappointed that you felt you couldn't talk to me about it."

I nodded, chewing on the cake thoughtfully. "It wasn't like that, exactly," I mused, my brow furrowed. "It was more as if I thought I didn't deserve to have friends at all, let alone the great ones that I do."

Alli narrowed her eyes at me, incredulous. "And why would you ever think that, crazy girl?"

"Basically…my mom didn't take to kindly to the fact that I had started hanging around Eli again. She gave me an ultimatum, and I just let her push me around and chose my friends. But when I told Eli that I couldn't be friends with him anymore, he looked crushed, and I realized what an idiot I was. I just got…I was depressed, Alli. My mom was with a new guy every night and it was like I had reverted back to fourteen year old Clare. So I shut down; refused to face life at all. And for that, for not handling my stress well, I apologize. I didn't mean to scare anyone, or force you all out of my life."

Alli reached over to place a loving hand over my own. "We all lose ourselves sometimes, Clare. The important part is that you're back."

I smiled appreciatively at my friend, taking another bite of cheesecake. "When did you get so smart?" I teased.

"I was born this way, baby," Alli giggled before launching into an off-key rendition of Lady Gaga.

All I could do was laugh and join in—ignoring the annoyed stares the other patrons of the café were shooting at us. It didn't matter; I had my best friend back, and I was feeling like myself again.

XXX

Since we both had nothing to do for the rest of the day, Alli and I had decided to hit the mall. By the time I rode my bike back home, the sun was on its way down in the sky.

"Hello?" I called as I walked into the house, but I was surprised to be greeted by silence. It was around seven; my mom should have been home.

I dropped my bags on the couch and walked into the kitchen, looking for any notification of my mother's whereabouts. Thankfully, before I could worry too much, I found a post-it note stuck to the fridge letting me know that she was out with Brenda, a friend from the office.

With a smile, I tore off a post-it of my own. After all, I still owed a certain someone a huge thank you, and there was no time like the present. I scribbled down a note saying that if I wasn't home by the time she got back, I was with Eli, before running up to my room.

I dumped my purchases on my floor before brushing my teeth and refreshing a little. Not wanting to be sweaty when I arrived, I decided to take my car instead of the bike to Eli's house.

As I pulled up to the curb, I took a steadying breath, focusing on stilling the nervous quiver in my hands. This was just Eli, after all. Who knew why I was suddenly so anxious to see his face?

Bullfrog answered on my second knock, his face melting into a pleasant smile. "Clarabelle, whatcha doin' here?" he asked in a tired voice.

"Hi Bullfrog, nice to see you; is Eli home?"

Bullfrog shook his head, giving me an apologetic shrug. "The squirt went off to that one diner place," he informed me, stepping out onto the porch and locking the front door behind him. "And I was just heading out to the station."

I tried not to make my disappointment so obvious. "You mean The Dot?" I clarified, wondering how weird it would be for me to show up there with the hopes of meeting Eli.

"That's the place!" Bullfrog gave me a thumbs up as he headed for his car. "But I have to get going—overslept and all," he pretended to tip and imaginary hat before speeding off.

It only took me a split second to weigh the pros and cons of showing up to The Dot unannounced and unexpected. I owed Eli a thank you—I owed him so much more than that, but he deserved to know just how much I appreciated what he had done for me. He had turned my life right-side-up, improved it beyond recognition, in a matter of a few days. And he knew me, knew my bizarre idiosyncrasies; showing up at The Dot would not alter his perception of me no matter how potentially creepy it was. Of that I was sure.

I quickly climbed back into my bug, speeding the short distance to the familiar café. I parked my car on the curb and bounded toward the door, a smile on my face.

I was so hopped up on excitement and anxiousness to see and talk to Eli that it took me a second to register the sight displayed for me in the window.

At the exact same table where I had met with Alli earlier that day sat Eli with…some girl I didn't know. He was smiling at her, nodding his head along to whatever she was saying. In fact, he looked so absorbed—so attentive—in whatever she was saying that as soon as the implications of the image caught up to me, I deflated instantly.

But the final nail in the coffin, the really gut-wrenching sight, was watching Eli reach out and take this stranger's hand so tenderly, his handsome smile never wavering.

I gulped, suddenly aware that tears were stinging at my eyes. Why hadn't I heard about this mystery girl? Why did I have to find out that she existed through happenstance? Were they dating? I could only see the side of her face, but she looked—I begrudgingly had to admit—pretty. With long red hair and a tiny button nose, I could easily see the appeal. Not that I wanted to, but I could.

I took a step back, though. I shouldn't have been there in the first place, and I certainly couldn't stand around and watch more of the scene unfold. It killed me—what I had seen already.

I turned swiftly on my heel and crawled back into the bug, my mind in the process of shutting down; blocking out everything I had just seen.

But before I could clear my head entirely, forget what I already had no hope of ever erasing from my memory, a sharp pain stabbed at my chest. If he had been seeing someone all along, why had Eli let me believe that our relationship was headed down an old road?

With a flush of chagrin, I realized maybe he hadn't. Maybe I had just interpreted everything the wrong way.

But that still didn't make it hurt any less.

Fresh tears of embarrassment, shock and pain rolled down my cheeks and I peeled away from The Dot. Maybe if I went fast enough, I could forget about Eli Goldsworthy altogether…


	10. Depend on Me

**The response to this story has been phenomenally encouraging. Thank you.**

_July 1, 2012_

Trying not to think was harder than it sounded. In theory, it should have been easy and welcoming to just let my mind go blank with comfort.

In practice, my mind was like a broken record, scratched and skipping back to an image in a window that would be best forgotten. I just couldn't get the easy, pleased smile out of my mind…or the way _his _fingers had curled around hers.

Angry with myself for slipping up—yet again—I swiped at the hot, angry tears brimming in my eyes, delving deeper into the fiction section of the library. I wasn't even reading the titles of the books, I could have been in sports and recreation for all I knew, I had just come to find my center. Libraries were usually good for that.

Unfortunately, I couldn't even _smell_ the old, worn pages let alone read the words on them. I was finding nothing but more angst among the shelves. That was disappointing in and of itself, but I also couldn't focus enough to actually see any of the spines. My mind was just so bleary and clouded.

With a frustrated growl, I sunk to the ground, letting my head fall in the space between my knees as my fingers tangled in my hair. I wanted to pull it out—my fingers even tightened their grip—but I was so shocked by the voice that floated down toward me, I snapped my head up, instead, to make sure it really was Eli that had managed to come and make my morning worse.

"You look like you're trying to give birth to yourself, Edwards…it's weird," he said, his nose wrinkling playfully.

I wanted to punch him.

"What are you even doing here?" I snapped, scrambling to my feet and launching myself away from him all in one uncoordinated gesture.

"Bullfrog and Cece wanted to get rid of me," Eli shivered at the implications of that. "I was just going to drive around aimlessly for a while, but I saw your Bug in the parking lot; wanted to know if you'd keep me company."

He was smiling so widely…looking at me with those deep, soul-penetrating eyes…I almost jumped at the chance. But then, on cue, the broken record reminded me of why I was there in the first place. I scowled, confused, before I continued to weave around the shelves—stupidly and desperately trying to lose him.

"Go to hell."

I heard Eli's footfalls stop for a moment, surprised at the venom in my voice. I took that as my opportunity to run out to the parking lot. If he was going to follow, I was going to yell…and there was simply no reason to piss off the librarian. Martha was a nice woman, and I didn't want to be banned from one of my favorite places in the world just because Eli was a jerk who sent mixed signals.

Sure enough, moments after I had taken what had been an attempt at a deep breath, Eli was behind me, hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off instantly, fumbling in my pocket for my keys.

"Hold on just a second," Eli's voice was gruff with confusion; he grabbed my wrists and spun me around, forcing me to face him. I couldn't reach my keys, and he was much, much too close. I blinked a couple times to clear my head, but there was no denying to way my heart still raced at any degree of his proximity. That made it really hard to hold onto my anger…but I would do it. "What the fuck, Clare?"

The words were not harsh, necessarily, but they made me bristle anyway. "Just leave me alone, okay?"

"No, not okay," Eli growled. "There's no way in hell we're doing this again."

"Let me go," I struggled against his iron grasp, needing to put space between us so I could think coherently. As it was, the way he was looking at me so intensely had me wanting to just stop fighting.

"Not until you tell me why you're so mad!"

"Just let me go!"

Eli paused, his eyes searching my face. Not wanting him to find the disappointment and hurt, I cast my eyes downward. When, seconds later, the pressure released from my wrists, I let out a surprised gasp, almost disappointed that he had actually done as I had asked. "Fine," Eli's voice sounded defeated, and he took a few steps back. "Whatever, Clare. Call me if you feel like making sense again."

He was passing me on the way to his car when it hit me that he might actually just walk out of my life. Part of me was frustrated that he would do it so readily after everything, and the other part of me shattered into tinier pieces than before. The biggest part of me screamed at my stubbornness, begging me not to let him go.

So, for once, I actually listened.

"I saw you with her," I whispered so lowly that I was afraid he wouldn't hear, but the distinct clunk of his footfalls fell silent. "I don't know who she was," I continued to get louder, as I confessed, facing away from Eli so I wouldn't have to see the look on his face, "but I saw the two of you at The Dot." Another gulp. "You looked happy. You looked like you really liked her, and I…I don't know," I shook my head at myself, unwilling to elaborate.

"Wait…_what_?"

Eli sounded so off-put that I had to turn around, see his confusion for myself. Sure enough, his brow was wrinkled with the effort to understand. "Yesterday," I emphasized. "I went looking for you; to thank you for Darcy…Bullfrog told me you were at The Dot. And you were, but," I cleared my throat," uh, you weren't alone."

Realization dawned on Eli's face. I steeled myself for whatever rejection or justification was coming—Eli would let me down easy, no doubt, but it would still hurt. I'm sure my face screwed up in a scowl when, unexpectedly, Eli started to laugh. And not just a chuckle or snort of derision. We're talking full-on belly laugh. "You're talking about April?" he seemed to be requesting clarification, but how should I have known what her name was? "Clare, that was Julia's best friend."

Eli delivered the words as if they should have been some great comfort. But I was still confused and hurt. It made sense, after all…maybe she reminded him of Julia in ways that I couldn't. Maybe she was helping him really, truly move on like I never could when we were together. April…I tested the name out in my head. It didn't make me feel better, knowing who she was. "She's pretty," I admitted begrudgingly, looking at my shoes, my face flushed with embarrassment and chagrin.

"I suppose so," Eli admitted slowly, cocking his head to the side. He still sounded confused. There was a lengthy pause. "I'm still…I don't get…Clare, April and I aren't _together_."

My head snapped up in hope. "You're not?" I asked meekly, flabbergasted.

"You thought—and that's why-," Eli's sentences were incomplete, and suddenly he was rushing toward me. As corny as it sounded, it felt like coming home when he wrapped me tightly in his arms, pulling me to his chest. I returned the hug, wrapping my arms around his waist as I rested my head on his chest.

We stayed like that for what felt like hours, even as our conversation continued. "So…why were you holding her hand?" I asked quietly, almost afraid of the answer even though I knew he wasn't romantically involved with the girl.

"She's been having a hard time since the last anniversary of Julia's death," I could feel Eli's warm breath tickle my scalp, his words falling into my hair. "I contacted her and asked if she'd want to get some people together for a memorial service; just a little tribute to Julia. She thought it was a great idea, and it gave some of the people Julia was close to some closure. Including me, I think," he continued his story, his voice strong and deep in my ear, the rumbling of his chest reverberating down to my toes. "But April has an anxiety disorder, and she's still not doing so well; it's really hindered her ability to grieve. I mean, Julia was her only close friend, I think. It's difficult for her to make them, but Julia was an outcast like April…so they had bonded. I don't know; I've just kept in contact with her since the service. It kind of feels right…like something I need to do. She was having a bad day yesterday, I wanted to comfort her." He paused for a while, and I let everything sink into my brain, settle there. I liked the way it fit. "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong idea," he whispered tenderly, pulling away just slightly so he could look me in the eye.

I gulped, seeing something hauntingly familiar in the forest depths of Eli's eyes. "It's okay," I breathed. "Sorry for jumping to conclusions and telling you to go to hell."

Eli let out a breathy laugh, one of his hands moving to brush a curl behind my ear. I felt my breath catch in my throat as his thumb skimmed across my cheek. "You're forgiven, silly girl." The mood had shifted so suddenly, and I saw Eli's eyes flicker to my lips…back to my eyes.

This was what I had wanted, what I had thought was happening anyway. This was the reason I had been so crushed by the idea of Eli with another girl.

So then why, as Eli leaned in just a miniscule amount, his lips parting ever so slightly, was I quivering in fear and indecision?

Everything was happening so quickly, my brain barely had enough time to process. There were only two things I knew for certain. One: Eli was about to kiss me. Two: I was not reacting with happiness, or giddiness, like I should have been.

Before I even had time to make a decision or decipher my thoughts, I felt my feet stumble backwards.

Eli let me go without question, his hands falling from my back and face. His expression was stoic, unmoving…but not before I had seen the flash of genuine disappointment and hurt in his eyes. "Clare?"

I—," but I didn't know what I was saying or how to finish that sentence. My face flushed cherry red, and, without a second's hesitation, I sprinted for the comfort of my Bug; knowing nothing but my desperate desire to be away from the library's parking lot.

XXX

I holed myself up in my room—not even coming out when I heard my mother arrive home. All day I sat on my bed, staring blankly at the pages of Time Stands Still, watching as the words jumped off the page, rearranging themselves into an incoherent mess, before laughing at my effort to make sense of anything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

In other words, I basically sat—catatonic—with a book in my hand.

"Clare, sweetie, dinner is ready!" my mother called to me around seven. I could hear the worry in her voice over the fact that I had been silent the entire afternoon.

"I'm not hungry," I called back. It was true enough—even if my stomach was growling with emptiness, I felt a little nauseated. I was sure that whatever I tried to put in my stomach would find its way back up eventually.

"Then why don't you come keep me company…please?" Her words had lost the worried, pleading edge. That had been less of a suggestion, more of a demand.

With a sigh, and not enough energy to actually argue, I finally released the book. My fingers felt stiff and achy, a similar feeling taking residence in my brain. Walking down the stairs, I thought that it was kind of like waking up from a dreamless sleep. I had forced my brain to lay dormant for so long that my entire body had followed suit—I was cramped and lethargic.

That was why, when I reached the foyer, my mind took several minutes to catch up with what my eyes were seeing. Eli was standing sheepishly at the front door, his hands deep in his pockets, and a light flush on his skin. "Surprise."

I looked to where my mother was standing, and she shrugged. "I guess I'll just eat dinner alone," she smiled knowingly, letting go of the doorknob and quickly retreating to the kitchen.

"Why are you here?" I asked Eli quietly, taking a small step back in case I had to shoot quickly up the stairs.

"I thought we should talk," he cleared his throat awkwardly, nodding toward the door.

It took a second for the spider webs in my brain to clear so I could think things through. If we let this go too long without talking about it, things would get even more painfully awkward than they already were. And I certainly didn't want whatever glitch in my brain that had made me run away earlier to come between Eli and me. It was best to just get everything out in the open and deal with it.

So, with a nod, I propelled myself forward, walking past Eli, out the door. Wordlessly, he followed. We made it a couple blocks before either of us said anything, simply strolling along in uncomfortable silence. It was I who couldn't stand it by the time we had walked far enough that I couldn't even see my street's sign.

"Eli, I'm sorry…I just-,"

He raised a hand, cutting me off. "Hey, you don't have to explain to me. I got…carried away."

I stopped walking, crossing my arms over my chest. "Really?" I raised a skeptical eyebrow. "That's how we're going to leave this?"

Eli ran a hand though his hair before covering his face with his hands. "Okay, when I said we should talk, I might have used the traditional definition loosely."

I tugged at his wrists, trying to read his facial expression. "When I left…it wasn't because…I mean, I didn't…it was…you're right, this is hard," I let my hands fall to my sides, and Eli removed his from his face to smirk at me.

"So maybe we should just pretend it didn't happen?" he suggested hopefully, and we started forward again.

"But it _did_ happen."

"That's the spirit, Edwards," his voice was thick with sarcasm.

"I'm serious, Eli. If we avoid this, it's only going to get harder to deal with. And I don't want it coming between us."

As we approached a bench, Eli let out an exasperated sigh like none I'd ever heard before. He lowered himself onto the hard wood, glancing up at me. "But talking about it makes it all the more real…and I'd rather not think about how you rejected me yet again."

The words, on the surface, were teasing. But I could see the real hurt in his handsome features. I sat down next to him, letting out a sigh of my own. "It wasn't like that," I told him adamantly.

"Well, then, what was it like? 'Cause it feels a lot like rejection from where I'm sitting."

"We've been through a lot, right?" I countered his question with one of my own.

"Undoubtedly," he agreed dryly.

"And…it's taken us a long time to recover from, well, all that we've been through."

"I guess so," Eli cocked an eyebrow at me, waiting for me to get to the point.

"What if, a second time around, we don't recover?"

Eli looked at me, searching my eyes for a few, intense minutes. I wasn't sure if what I had said made any sense, or if he even agreed. I watched as he gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing up and then down. "I suppose that's a possibility," Eli finally whispered, and I let go a breath I hadn't known I was holding. "But what if it's worth the risk?"

I was shaking my head before he even finished the question. "Losing you is not worth it," I argued vehemently. "It's just not."

Eli nodded. "Alright; if that's how you feel, we'll stay friends." He held his hand out, all business-like, and I reached to give it a firm shake. "But that means you're not allowed to get jealous if you see me at The Dot with a strange girl," he teased, poking me in the side.

And there is was: the downfall of our newfound agreement. Seeing other people…

"Yeah," I blushed a shade of crimson, turning away from Eli.

"Come on, Clare, we can't have it both ways," Eli's voice sounded strained, pained.

"I know, I know," I agreed, trying not to feel sick to my stomach at the mental picture of Eli with another girl—holding her hand, kissing her. "It'll just…take some getting used to."

"No kidding," he muttered darkly, and I felt when his back hit against the bench. "But we can do this…we can be friends and be okay if we want to see other people. In fact, it's probably better if we do—each go on a date with someone else, and…," He cut off suddenly, like he realized that he had been rambling and no longer liked the sound of his own voice.

"Okay, so, we'll date other people," I agreed, thinking about how well that had worked for me last time. Jake and I barely spoke, and he had never really gotten over the way I had used him to move on after Eli. Not that I blamed him. With a firm shake of my head, I held out my hand, determined to make this work. "Deal?"

Eli seemed to consider—perhaps he was thinking about what it would be like to see me with a different guy—before he grabbed my hand, firmly, once again. A shiver shot down my spine that I did my best to ignore. "Deal."

With a note of finality, we stood and started back toward my house. I only glanced back at the bench once, and it felt like I was looking at the very place I had left my dignity and integrity.

Because I did not like this deal; no I did not like it one bit. But how many times can one change their mind and still expect great guys like Eli to stick around?

With resignation, I turned to watch where I was going, trying to ignore the feeling that I had betrayed myself once again. Yes, I watched the road ahead of me, but I felt the distinct chill of what I had left behind me hunkering down on my shoulders.


	11. Textbook Cute

**I know a lot of you were upset with the events of the last chapter, but I promise there will be a reprieve very soon. I promise the wait for said reprieve will not be **_**too**_** long. **

**That being said, there are some crackships in the chapter that I just could not resist. There's also a lot of fluff. I hope you like it. **

_July 3, 2012_

I held my breath, pacing awkwardly, as I waited for someone to answer the phone. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears, my face was flushed with embarrassment and I _really_ hoped that it would be anyone beside Alli.

Of course, life was cruel, so it was her chirpy voice that greeted me. "Hello?"

"Hey, Alli, it's Clare," I worked to sound enthusiastic.

"Oh, hey girl!" Alli responded instantly, the smile evident in her voice. "Aren't you so excited?"

I sighed, knowing that she was referring to the group trip we had planned to Wonderland—a nearby amusement park. Initially, it had been a big group endeavor, concocted by Imogen and Adam as a—in their words—required summer-fun activity. Alli and Dave, Fiona, Adam and Imogen, Jenna, Drew (Katie was off at a soccer camp), KC and even Jake had been invited…along with, of course, Eli.

It had been a while since I had seen most of my friends, aside from Eli, Adam and Alli, so I hastily agreed, needing the pick me up and the thrill of an adventure.

Unfortunately, though, Fiona was flying to New York for some fashion show she would die—her words—if she missed, Jenna was refusing to go if KC was there and vice versa. Adam had gotten so fed up he uninvited them both. Jake and his dad were going on a trip to their cabin. Drew, not really invested in our group anyway, saw no point if KC and Jake weren't going.

In any case, the trip had turned into an unexpected and terribly uncomfortable group date. Except, Eli and I weren't dating, so, as Eli had viciously and glumly pointed out, it was the perfect opportunity to try out our new agreement.

Somehow, I had to find a date to the shindig, and that made me significantly less enthused.

On top of everything else…I was terrified of heights, so I wasn't keen on riding most of the attractions anyway.

All in all, it was starting to feel like punishment for not speaking what was in my heart in the first place.

"Yup, thrilled," I tried to sound the part, but there was a catch in my throat.

Thankfully, Alli was so lost in her own happy-couple land that she didn't seem to notice. "Yeah, it's going to be great. So, what's up?"

"I was actually wondering…," I paused, gathering courage, "If, um, Sav was home for the summer?" 

"He's here," she said suspiciously, perhaps finally catching the hint of discomfort in my voice. "Why?"

"I have a question to ask him," I told her, steadying my voice. "That is, you know, I want to invite him along to Wonderland with us."

"Why?" she repeated.

"I—look, it's a long story, okay? I just need to bring a date, and I was wondering if Sav was free."

"You want to…date…Sav?" Alli let out slowly, as if, in her head, she was trying to fit together two pieces of different, conflicting puzzles.

"Not necessarily; I just want Sav, uh, to accompany me."

"Like on a date? I thought you and Eli—"

"Alli, can I please just talk to him?!" I snapped, cutting her off, my nerves starting to fray under her confusion and prodding.

"I mean, I don't know why you want to, but yeah…whatever."

At least she didn't sound angry, just confused. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself back down, when Sav's deep voice grumbled over the other line, sounding like Alli had just woke him up. "Clare?" he asked, yawning.

"Yeah, hi…I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" I asked nervously, glancing at my alarm clock. It was 11 am.

"Technically no…Alli did," Sav replied in his usual, teasing tone. I relaxed further. If I explained this right, of course Sav would come keep me company. He was a sweet guy, one of the nicest I knew. And, yeah, my request was a little awkward—he was a good friend, but was also brotherly protective of me—but it could be fun to spend some extra time with Sav. I _was_ curious how he liked university, interested in his life.

"Well, good," I smiled though he couldn't see. "Hey, I was wondering if you're free tomorrow."

There was a pause as he thought about it. "I think I'm free as a bird, why?"

I gulped. "This might be a strange request…," I hedged.

"You've got me on the edge of my…bed," he laughed lightly. "Shoot."

"Will you, uh, maybe be-my-date-on-a-trip-to-Wonderland," I let out in one, long breath. So much for asking the right way.

"I—what?"

With a sigh, I tried to elaborate. "I'm trying to branch out, get closer to more people. I just thought it would be fun if, uh, maybe you went with me to Wonderland. Alli will be there…and Dave and Adam." I was suddenly hit with just how awkward my request was and clamped my mouth shut, thinking what I was asking could easily be taken the wrong way.

"Let me get this straight," I could hear incredulity in his tone. "You want me to be your _date_ on a trip to Wonderland with a bunch of other high schoolers that I was never really all that close to in the first place. Oh, yeah, and you're my little sister's best friend. And she's going to _be_ there."

"I-I-I," I stuttered. "Um, yeah; basically yes."

I held my breath, sure he was about to shoot me down, when a laugh echoed out from the phone. "Sounds like a good time! I can drive my mom's van."

Suddenly, I was smiling like a fool, much happier that Sav was going with me than I ever thought myself capable. "Great, thanks! I think we're leaving early tomorrow. Will you be able to handle it, Mr. Sleeps Till Noon," I added, flirting just a little…surprising myself further.

"Laugh now…Alli's going to take it out on you for inviting me when it's her job to get me up tomorrow morning," he pointed out smugly, chuckling.

It was amazing…I thought Eli would be the only guy that would ever invoke the urge to stick my tongue out. But I was wrong; Sav was pretty good at it, too.

"Jerk," I accused.

"That's my name, don't wear it out, I'll see you tomorrow, Clare."

"Yeah, see you," I promised before hanging up. I realized a few minutes later that I was still smiling. Perhaps the next day wasn't going to be horrible after all.

XXX

_July 4, 2012_

My alarm went off at 8:30 and I groaned, rolling over in bed to smack the snooze button. I had just drifted back into oblivion when the piercing beep started to resonate again, so, completely unwilling, I lurched out from under the covers.

Blindly and still half-asleep, I turned on water for a shower and brushed my teeth as I waited for it to warm. I nearly fell back asleep, the warm water lulling me back to memories of my quilt, when I banged my head on the shower wall.

"I'm up!" I yelled to no one particular, rubbing the sore spot on my forehead.

Thankfully, after that, the morning was smooth sailing. We had decided to stop for breakfast on the road since the park didn't open until 10 anyway, so I pulled on some shorts, a simple shirt, slipped on my tennis shoes and—just in case—shoved a hoodie in my bag.

I pulled up to the Bhandari's around 9:15 and parked my Bug off to the side of the driveway. An unfamiliar, beater of a red car was already parked on the street, and I was still trying to figure out who's it could have been when Bianca DeSousa emerged from the front door. "What, Edwards, never seen a decent car before?" she snarled, sneering at my Volkswagen.

A sickening thought jumped into my head, and before I could dwell on it, there was confirmation in the form of Eli. "I didn't bring you along to harass my friends," he cocked an eyebrow at Bianca, crashing his hips into hers.

"Keep those away from me," she chastised, but there was a smile on her face.

Bianca DeSousa? Really? How in the world…how did I compete with that?

I was still staring—wondering how the hell they even knew each other—when Sav came out of the side door with a cooler. "You look like you've seen a ghost," he pointed out conversationally, placing the cooler in the trunk of the van with a grunt.

"I, uh…it's still early and I haven't had coffee," I covered, turning to smile at Sav. "Thanks again, for coming along, I mean."

"My pleasure," he really seemed to mean it. "And I have just the cure for a coffee-less morning; just put on a pot," he smiled at me, and I eagerly followed Sav into the house. "We're just waiting on Adam and Imogen, I believe," he pointed out as he poured me a mug and offered cream and sugar.

I scooped a few spoonfuls of the sugar, figuring I'd need it, into the dark, wonderful smelling liquid. A comfortable silence fell between Sav and me—though he _was_ eyeing me with some kind of emotion that I couldn't decipher—and I sipped my vice of choice until the mug had been emptied.

I tried not to think about where Bianca and Eli were…or what they were doing.

Suddenly, Alli and Dave clamored into the kitchen from upstairs, laughing and smiling and holding hands. When she saw me, though, a scowl replaced her happy smile. "You," she pointed, sauntering over to me.

"Me," I agreed, reaching for the coffee pot. Sav, smiling smugly, refilled the mug and crossed his arms. He looked like he was ready to view the show of a lifetime.

"I can't believe you invited this idiot," she jerked her thumb in the direction of Sav. "I thought yesterday…you were kidding, or had taken some hallucinogens. Something! And you're boy toy out there—"

She jerked her thumb in the general direction of Eli, so I was quick to chime in—my face heated and my heart giving an uncomfortable squeeze—with, "Eli is not my boy toy."

But Alli didn't much care. She soldiered on, "—inviting that skank Bianca. Ugh! Gross. I demand to know what the hell is going on with you two…Sav and Bianca…insanity!"

I was pretty sure my face had reached the color of a strawberry in its redness and there was a catch in my throat. I wanted to lash out at Alli, tell her none of this was my fault and she was being ridiculous. Moreover, I wanted to get rid of that sad, wounded puppy look of confusion on Sav's face. Above all, though, I wanted to stop thinking about Eli and Bianca as an entity.

After a moment of sputtering, I reclaimed my voice. "Alli, I happen to like your brother, and I know you two love each other, so don't pretend like you're so upset that he's coming along. Second, there is nothing going on between Eli and me. Third, that thing with Drew was—what—three years ago? I think it's time you let go; you have a great guy now. Let's just have a good time, okay?"

Alli stood for a moment, huffing. Dave seemed to sense I needed just a little boost of help, and wound his arms around Alli's waist. "She's right, you know. Today's gonna be epic!"

"Fine; you're lucky I love all of you," she accused, pointing her finger at each of us. "Bianca's still a skank from hell, though," she muttered under her breath. The three of us rolled our eyes, and Alli turned to smirk devilishly at me. "Next time you invite him somewhere, though," she addressed me, "You're coming here to wake his sorry ass up." With a wink, she and Dave were out the front door.

"Told you," Sav laughed, bumping me with his shoulder as I downed the last of my coffee.

I nodded, smiling up at him. "Ready to go?" I asked.

"Born ready."

As soon we were sure the lights were turned off and we hadn't disturbed Mr. and Mrs. Bhandari, we joined the others on the front lawn, seeing that Adam and Imogen had finally arrived.

"I made the mistake of letting this one behind the wheel," Adam was explaining to Eli, tugging fondly on one of Imogen's bun-pig-tail hairdos.

"Correction: you had the honor of experiencing a master at work."

Adam blushed as Imogen pecked his nose, but he still managed to snark, "What you claimed was a shortcut actually took twenty minutes longer."

"Twenty minutes of scenery and beautacious nature."

"Sure, sure," Adam swatted Imogen away, laughing with the rest of us. They really were a cute couple, and I caught Eli's eye for a brief moment. He smiled and winked, perhaps thinking the exact same thing. A deep blush colored my cheeks and I had to turn away. "So, how is seating going to work…we have one more person than seat," Adam pointed out, bringing us all back to the present moment.

"I can sit on Dave's lap," Alli offered, and then there was a mad dash for the seats.

"I'm driving, so you can have shotgun," Sav leaned down to whisper in my ear, and my lingering blush grew into a deep red again.

"T-Thanks," I stammered out, preoccupied when I saw Bianca slap Eli's butt and tell him move the hell into the back.

When everyone was finally in the car, the seating arraignments had already created some unwanted tension. Sav and I were fine in the driver and passenger seats respectively, and Adam and Imogen were quite content in the spacious pilot seats. I was not thrilled, however, with Bianca and Eli crammed together in the back seat. Also, Alli—on Dave's lap—was next to Bianca. Every couple seconds I glanced back to see her scowling in Bianca's direction…though I couldn't have been doing much better as every now and then there was a burst of laughter that was undoubtedly a result of something Eli had said. Too bad I couldn't really hear.

"Coffee didn't help?" Sav asked nonchalantly at a stop.

"Wh-no, I'm feeling better, thanks."

He cocked his eyebrow at me, his eyes darting to the rearview mirror as if trying to spy what had me so disappointed, before glancing back at me. My shy smile seemed to put his suspicions at bay, though, because he flashed an excited smile back at me.

Just ten minutes out from the park's location, we decided to stop at a Waffle House. "I have to pee!" Alli squealed as she fled from the car, tore across the parking lot and ran into the restaurant.

"She's going to be pretty disappointed when she gets a good look at the bathrooms," Eli guessed, smirking arrogantly.

"You think they're really gross?" Imogen asked, a hint of fear in her voice. I took a good look at her and noticed her legs were crossed tightly and she was doing a dance reminiscent of a toddler. I felt a wave of sympathy while Eli merely cocked an eyebrow at her.

"C'mon, Imo, I'll walk you through the grime," Bianca flashed Imogen a smirk that rivaled Eli's, holding out a slender arm and sashaying off. It was actually kind of amazing that she still managed a sexy kind of gait with a potty-dancing Imogen attached to her, but I guessed Bianca just dripped sex appeal no matter what she did.

Aware of my own scowl, I chanced a glance at Eli. Instead of watching Bianca walk off as I feared, Eli was watching Adam's face with amusement. "Dude, remember Imogen."

Adam shook his head. "What, I'm not allowed to look?" he asked, but a guilty flush traveled up his neck to the crown of his head. "Last one inside is a Psyduck!"

As Adam tore off at a run, Sav shook his head. "Everyone hates on Psyduck, but if he was good enough for Misty, he was good enough for me." He had a goofy grin on his face, and I chuckled when he took off after Adam with the intent of a Pokémon-centered argument, no doubt.

Dave, a little slow on the uptake, slid headphones over his ears and walked silently after the rest of the gang…leaving Eli and me to bring up the rear.

"So…," Eli started off awkwardly, running a hand through his hair. "Sav, huh? Isn't that weird for Alli?"

I was vindictively pleased to hear a note of bitterness—perhaps even jealousy—in his attempt at a casual tone. And then I remembered what he had brought along as a date.

"How do you even _know_ Bianca?" I asked in a far-too-accusatory tone. Eli held his hands up in silent surrender. I sighed. "Sorry, let me try again. How long have you and Bianca been friends?" I rephrased, my voice sickly-sweet.

"She's in the same grade as me, Clare. We've had a few classes together over the years. And she happens to be a fan of Dead Hand…she was at that reunion concert Adam and I went to with Sav. Which brings us full-circle back to you." He cocked his head to the side in faux innocence, holding open the restaurant's door for me.

There was no way I was telling Eli that, desperate to find a date, my best friend's brother had been the only person of which I could think. "We have Alli's blessing," I offered curtly. It was pretty much true.

When I offered nothing else, Eli harrumphed. We had, thankfully, arrived at the table, stopping any further attempt at the conversation we had been having. "I saved you a seat, Clare," Sav smiled, patting the booth next to him. On Sav's other side, Adam was talking to Imogen—who had come back from the bathroom unscathed.

As I slid next to Sav, I was surprised to feel that Eli was following, sandwiching me uncomfortably between the two boys when the rest of our party crowded around the table. Predictably, Bianca was on Eli's other side, sitting on the edge. Alli and Dave smashed up against Imogen. Alli, apparently, had been scandalized by the bathroom.

"That was awful…disgusting! I washed my hands four times, but I'm not sure I have an appetite anymore."

"Told you," Eli had leaned very, very close to me to whisper in my ear. Before I could stop myself, an involuntary shiver ran down my spine. The smirk was back, and all I could do was scowl some more.

It took the entire table fifteen minutes—and some hand sanitizer in Bianca's purse—to convince Alli she was clean enough to order food. After that, breakfast was a whirlwind of interaction and Bianca laughing way too loud at every single scathing comment Eli made. He honestly was not that funny.

But the worst part was when Bianca and Eli found themselves in a duel of innuendos. I promptly turned a shade of plum at their raunchy jokes, and could only mutter noncommittally when Sav asked, very concerned, if I was alright.

I had met Adam's gaze over the table, and he seemed to silently say, '_What did you expect? You brought this upon yourself._'

Eventually, though, there was no food left on our plates and Alli kindly did the mental math as to how we should split the bill. With a self-demeaning shrug, Sav laid down enough money to cover both of our breakfasts. I felt Eli's eyes burning a hole in my back as I feebly protested. Sav shut me up with an east smile and a promise that he was in a band back at university. Apparently, they had a few paying gigs, and Sav was unused to having so much money to his name.

Once everyone had scrambled haphazardly back into the van, we drove down the winding drive that lead to Wonderland. The anticipation had become palpable—Adam was practically vibrating in his seat—and Sav had barely parked before people were piling out onto the asphalt.

"Booya!" Adam called, pumping his fist in the air as he started to run toward the entrance gates.

"Last one in is an extinct dinosaur!" Imogen shouted before following suit.

"They're sickeningly perfect for each other," Bianca sneered, cocking her head to the side as she watched them run off like little kids.

Without further comment, we all set off after the couple—Alli and Dave walked ahead, holding hands.

The rest of the morning passed by in a blur of adrenaline, jealousy and endless screaming. I tried to be brave and go on a few roller coasters, but mostly it just made me sick. Eventually, Sav started to ride every other attraction just to keep me company—which was very chivalrous and sweet. I kept up a string of questions about university, and he seemed genuinely interested in how school was going for me, too. I always spaced out as soon as Bianca and Eli came into sight, though. Something about the way they moved in tandem reminded me of a dance. It frustrated me, and I was aware that I was staring way too long for it to be socially acceptable.

If Sav noticed my distraction, he didn't say anything. For that, I was grateful.

Once lunch time came around, my feet were starting to ache a little from all the walking. Adam and Imogen were not to be deterred, though. Hopped up on excitement, they quickly downed a bucket of fries and broke off from the group. Alli and Dave stuck around until everyone had finished eating, but announced that they were going to see one of the novelty, jukebox shows the pseudo-theaters in the park put on.

Unfortunately, that left Bianca, Eli, Sav and me. Sav, having missed out on most of the morning's rides, was starting to get a little antsy. He was too polite to say anything, of course, but I knew him pretty well after being friends with Alli for years. Nonchalantly, I sipped my drink, cleared my throat and then said, "You know, I'm sure you guys could find out where Imogen and Adam ran off to; I think I'm just going to hang out and people watch or something."

"You want us to leave you in a crowded public place? What if someone snatches you up, Edwards?" Eli's voice was sarcastic, but I could see the flash of real concern in his eyes.

With a flush on my cheeks I snapped, "I'm a big girl, I can take care of myself."

Eli merely raised his eyebrow, but lowered his gaze.

"Clare, I don't mind hanging out with you," Sav pointed out. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Eli scowl. That detail didn't seem to go unnoticed by anyone at the table because Bianca snorted while Sav's face was carefully neutral.

"I don't want to keep you from riding anything; you paid good money to be here."

"I'm fine," Sav insisted.

"No, you go," I set my face in a stern expression to let him know the subject was dropped. Sav just shrugged like he knew better than to push it.

Suddenly, though, Eli pushed his plate away from him. If I hadn't already been observing him with my peripherals, I would have missed the way his features had slipped from perfectly fine to strategically green. "I don't think all that grease agreed with all that thrill," he moaned, wrapping his arm around his stomach. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Maybe if you didn't eat with all the grace of a starving coyote," Bianca rolled her eyes, trailing off.

"You know, I'm going to sit out on rides for a bit. You and Sav should go enjoy yourselves. I'll hang out with Clare," he flashed his most benevolent smile at all of us, patting Bianca casually on the shoulder.

She smirked as if on to him, and Sav just nodded complacently. "What do you say, B? Let's go annoy the other riders with Dead Hand!"

She shrugged. "Cool; catch you on the flip side, Goldsworthy." With a wink from Bianca and a gentle shoulder squeeze from Sav, they were gone.

Eli, not even bothering to keep up the sick pretense, straightened in his chair and smiled at me. I simply stuck my tongue out.

"What, you didn't actually expect me to let you sit here alone, did you?" I shifted on my own seat, turning on him. "Oh, come on—the silent treatment; really?"

I harrumphed.

"Is this because I just went all protective over you, or is this because of Bianca?" he asked, being annoyingly perceptive. I took the opportunity to sneer at him.

"Come on, Clare," Eli's voice turned pleading. "We both agreed to this."

My insecurities got the best of me, and I whirled around to face him again. "Bianca, though? She's basically a goddess."

"Clare, I don't know if you forgot, but I'm an atheist."

I couldn't help it; the absurdity of Eli's comment made me laugh. "You suck," I accused.

"Maybe," Eli conceded. "But you're no picnic either, Edwards. Sav has to be the nicest guy in the world…," he trailed off, leaving the implication that he was quite the opposite hanging in the air.

We both grew uncomfortable; both of us unwilling to admit that we weren't on dates with other people because we were actually interested in them. "Let's take a walk," I suddenly requested, eager to change the subject.

Eli agreed easily, and we started off in the opposite direction of everyone else. We walked in a comfortable silence for a while, and I started to relax. It was nice…just being there with Eli. I let my arms swing nonchalantly at my sides, starting to enjoy myself—really letting my guard down—for the first time that day. I tried not to make the connection of my mood to the fact that I knew for sure Eli wasn't off canoodling with Bianca, but I couldn't hide from myself forever.

Subtly—so much so that I couldn't tell if it was intentional or not—Eli's hand brushed against my own. With a deep breath, and a lightening quick pep talk—I leaped off the edge of my mind. Who cared about Bianca? And Sav was a great guy, but he would never be Eli. So I slid my fingers between Eli's, holding on tight.

He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye, his cheeks developing an uncharacteristic bloom of color. He cleared his throat, squeezing my hand, and smirked down at me. "Tell me something about yourself that I don't know," he requested as we walked aimlessly along.

My brow furrowed. "I don't know if there is such a bit of information," I teased.

Eli laughed, and I took a moment to appreciate the sound. "Well…what was little Clare like?"

"Awkward," I answered immediately, flushing. "She was a little bit lost, a lot naive and really, really horrible in social situations." I chuckled, remembering grade nine. It seemed like ages ago, but also like it could have happened just the day before.

"Oh, so you're telling me you were really suave, right?"

I elbowed Eli in the side. "You're not funny," I accused.

"Fine…give me an example; I want to hear an awkward Clare story."

I wrinkled my nose at his smirk. The chances of me diverting Eli's attention were slim. I would just have to pick the least offensive of all the stories. "Okay, so it was, like, the first week of school," I sighed. "And in a horrid, losing attempt to prove that I didn't care what people thought of me, I got up in front of the entire cafeteria to show off a talent. Guess what I did?"

Eli considered for a moment. "Did you write Vampire fan fiction for them?" he teased.

"No, worse; I decided to sing a hymn for everyone."

Eli stopped walking so suddenly that I almost ran into a young boy. "You're kidding, right?"

My face was burning a bright red as the boy scowled at me, flipped me the bird and ran off. "Nope, I am as serious as a heart attack."

Eli's smile was scaring me. "That must have been fun to watch."

"No, it was traumatizing, actually," I snapped, tugging Eli forward again. "People started to throw food at me…I have never been able to karaoke since," I lamented with mock sadness.

"Oh, we are so fixing that soon." Yup, that was definitely a scary smile.

I opened my mouth to retort when something ran into my side, tackling me to the ground. I let go of Eli's hand, but not soon enough that he didn't fall into the patch of grassiness with me and my attacker. "Are you having a fantabulous time, Clare Edwards?" Imogen was smiling down at me, her chest heaving with excitement.

"You certainly seem to be, at any rate," Eli chuckled, quickly detangling his limbs from mine and Imogen's so he could stand and scowl at Adam. "Control your girlfriend, dude."

"Yeah, right," Adam scoffed, offering a hand to help Imogen up. "It's getting late, though. We've been on the lookout for member of our crew. We should probably hit the road."

Eli helped pull me to my feet, nodding along to what Adam was saying. His hand lingered around me for a second longer than necessary, but he didn't make to hold my hand again. I tried not to be too disappointed.

"You know you have a cell phone, right? You could have just called us; no need for tackling."

"Oh! We could call the others and meet up!" Imogen exclaimed as if the thought had just dawned on her. I laughed at Eli's bewildered expression.

"You'd think I'd be used to her by now," Eli was shaking his head, pulling out his phone.

We all shared at laugh at Eli's expense before getting in touch with all our friends.

It was around 9:30 by the time everyone rode one last right together—I went on the roller coaster, but my throat was raw by the time the ride was over—and we had walked to the car. For the ride home, Sav pulled out PB&J sandwiches he had made from the cooler and distributed them. We ate, sipped on the cola Sav had also been wise enough to bring and sang along, loudly, to the radio on the ride back.

It was fun, and relaxing…much like the rest of the day should have been. Occasionally, I would glance back at Eli, and he would catch my eye and smirk. Everything felt much less important, and I could still feel the ghost of Eli's fingers in between mine.

We pulled into the Bhandari's driveway around 10:45, everyone a little sluggish and exhausted from the day's events. Alli immediately kissed Dave goodbye before disappearing into the house. Dave just laughed, looking at Alli with the utmost adoration, and climbed into his car to speed away. Imogen gave _everyone_ a peck on the cheek—leaving a few of us confused or uncomfortable—before tugging Adam away. "Let's play Halo in your basement till your mom kicks me out!" we heard her voice carry into the night.

"Well, it's been fun, but I have to work tomorrow morning," Bianca smiled slowly, speaking in her dismissive, coquettish tone. "Thanks for bringing me, Goldsworthy." She placed a kiss entirely too close to the corner of his mouth before slinking off. I felt my face heat up with chagrin.

Eli himself looked a little like he'd been slapped. With a sheepish look on his face, he glanced at me from under his lashes. "I—wow—look at the time. I think I should go, too. I'll call you tomorrow, Clare." He stepped toward me, indecision written all over his face. He gave me a quick shoulder squeeze before placing a light kiss to the top of my head. When he pulled away, the pained look was gone. "Goodnight," he whispered huskily, under his breath so that only I would hear. "See you, Sav." And with a wave, Eli got into Cece's car and drove away.

That left me alone with Sav…and I immediately felt self-conscious. "Yeah, so, thanks for coming with me. I'm sorry I'm not much fun," I gulped.

"Clare, stop apologizing. I had fun; thanks for asking me." He smiled warmly at me, and I couldn't help by reciprocate. Suddenly, though, Sav looked confused. "Can I ask you a question, though?"

"Uh…sure."

"Why did you ask me when you really wanted to go with Eli?"

I flushed, the power of speech momentarily evading me. "Wh-I-no," I stuttered out before taking a deep breath. "It's a long story," I offered, casting my eyes downward in embarrassment.

"I don't see why; it's pretty obvious he wanted to be with you, too. I mean, B and I joked about us being third wheels, but seriously…you two have no idea what it means to be subtle."

"I-I'm really sorry," I whimpered. And it was true; I was.

Sav just laughed. "Clare, you're kind of like a little sister to me. This never felt like a date. It was just nice of you to ask me. It's not like I'm hurt. Can I offer you some advice, though?"

I smiled timidly at Sav. "Yes, please; I could use all the advice I can get."

"Don't wait too long to tell him how you feel. Bianca's just a flirt, but Eli is a good guy. It won't be long before someone comes along that actually wants to take advantage of the fact he's single."

I nodded; Sav was right. I really did need to stop being a scared idiot. "Yeah…thank you."

"Any time, Clare," Sav's easy smile was back. "Goodnight, baby Edwards." He chuckled to himself before patting my cheek affectionately and walking into the house.

I'm not sure how long I stood in front of the Bhandari's, thinking about how sweet Sav was and how right he was. I thought about Eli, about how ready he was to hold my hand.

All I knew was that I didn't want to push our relationship till the time when I would reach for his hand, and he would pull away. It wasn't fair of me to take Eli for granted anymore.

By the time I slipped into my car and headed for home, I knew what I had to do. And I knew that I had to do it soon.


End file.
